My husband has left and it doesn’t feel real. We have been married 15 years, together 18 years. We have an 11 yo son.
About 2 months ago I found out he had been having an affair. He went out one night with her and got stuck out due to bad weather, when He didn’t come home I searched his ipad and found emails with a woman, friendly at first, even talking about our marriage and her giving him advice but soon it turned into more. He finally text in the early morning and when he got home I told him what I had found and that I was done with him.
He said he thought we were over as we argue a lot, haven’t had sex for ages etc. All true. I havn’t been happy for ages and this was compounded recently by him going out more, being late home, being longer than planned or was usual and being out of contact. This had been going on for a couple of months, since they got more friendly. I hadn’t given up though. We have had bad patches before and come through them.
I found out a week or so before we were due to go on holiday at Easter so we decided to go anyway. The build up was horrible, she was obviously panicking about him going away and wanted him to spend most evenings with her. We were probably mad to go but I didn’t want to loose the money or disappoint ds who at that point was unaware.
Travelling we were super polite to each other and started to get on really well. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other which I couldn’t understand at the time but have read about since. We talked a lot, cried a lot it felt like death but by the end of the holiday we were going to try to work things out and he was going to tell her it was over.
He went to see her and couldn’t do it, stayed out until early hours while I was just falling apart. Since then he is still saying he wants to be with me but is struggling we are very different blah blah. He wanted to be ‘friends’ with her I said no way. He said they would have no contact but I kept catching him out. Brief messages and some calls. When again I came to the end of my patience and gave him an ultimatum he text her in my presence to say he wanted no further contact. He kept his phone and ipad locked though which I wasn’t happy about but that aside, we had a lovely weekend after that and I thought that was it. He seemed relieved to have told her and said she wasn’t right for him.
The sunday night he ‘popped out’ and was gone over 2 hours when I rang and he didn’t answer. He seemed surprised I was concerned. I don’t think he had snook off to see OW just being thoughtless. Monday and Tuesday he was sad and cool with me, we had been texting in the day but this stopped. He said he missed her. Wednesday he was in a foul mood and we had a row. Thursday he went to a gig (he was meant to go with her, then she decided not to go so he had a call from a friend of theirs (?!) to see if he wanted her ticket! He text me at work to say he was going. He said he would be back mid morning. When I text back, no answer. A few unanswered texts later and I was beside myself and by morning felt so ill I rang work and took a days leave. He didn’t show until after lunch. He took no charger and his phone went flat. He hid his ipad befoe he left which I found after trying to face time him (its really loud). God knows what he thought I was going to find on there seeing as it is password locked and notifications are off!
Anyway since then we have been getting on but not really being close and he is still moping and says he loves me but can’t find a happy place. I have run out of patience thinking he should own his choices and if he chooses me should be bending over backwards to make me feel better and not being secretive and miserable and keep bringing her up in conversation.
Anyway Wednesday he said he thought he should go at the weekend. He stayed at a friends thursday and has now taken our Motorhome in the short term to stay in. I don’t think he will contact OW at the moment but suppose he might. Doesn't matter really.
We told DS last night we were separating and he cried and cried. It went reasonably well and we managed to be united and stay calm and explain as best we could. No mention of OW obviously. We both cried too. Before we told him, my H said he loved me and this was crazy and asked if we should say it was a trial but I said no I didn’t think it fair to DS to give hope if it won’t come to anything and besides I can’t just keep waiting around to see if he comes to his senses, not that I am sure I could forgive him anyway. If we had come back from holiday and he had ended it then and been open and thoughtful I think we stood a chance but not with all this wafting back and forth.
After he had gone last night me and DS talked some more and we stayed up late watching tv to take our minds off it. He slept ok but was awake early. We have had more tears and talking and he looks so sad bless him. I feel so awful. I have had so many mixed emotions. There was some relief H has gone and that DS knows but I still love H and will miss him and there is all the false hope of the past few weeks and the what ifs and plans that will never happen.
I really felt for H walking out the door and we have text last night and he has phoned this morning to see how we are. He said he intended it to be a break so he can do some soul searching but now it feels more permanent. I can’t deal with anymore wondering which way he will go.
I am worried about how to tell people, how to help DS, how I am going to deal with everything and yet I know really I am strong, I will make it ok for DS as best I can, I just feel really lost and small and sad. I think I am fine and then from nowhere come tears and I feel overwhelmed. There is lots to think about in terms of DS and finances /stuff and what will happen long term but one step at a time hey.
I guess the key is to keep busy. I am decorating a room this weekend. Just going to rope DS in to help when I have finished my coffee.
Thanks for reading, I know this is long but it helps to write things down.