Friend’s husband dropped bombshell

[How2Help]

My friend’s husband has decided they are divorcing. He just “doesn’t want to be married to her any longer”.

She is devastated. I have no experience of this. I will get her to a solicitor as soon as I can, but finding it hard to be at all constructive when I’m so clueless.

Can anyone help with any of the miscellaneous questions? Married 19 years, 2 kids aged 10 and 6. She has not worked since the eldest was born.

A) their house comes as part of his job. What position does this leave her in wrt housing?
B) when people say she might be entitled to part of his pension, if that occurs how does that work. Does he have to sort it out when he retires?
C) she wants to fight to save her marriage. How can I support her when I think she would be far better off without him (she knows my view despite me trying to be fair minded). She won’t go to a solicitor just now as she thinks that is admitting defeat.

Thank you in advance.

Her solicitor will give her the run-down of what she is 'due'.

Basically they go through all the finances with a fine-toothed comb to realise assets and work out a fair split.

If her husband has decided upon a divorce already I don't see a resolution to be honest. But for her own sake if she feels that she has to try then you should support her to do so.

Thanks for the reply. I am trying to get her to a solicitor. Her DH seems to be doing a good job of telling her how it will be (she will live nearby, he’ll see the kids to his schedule etc). I really want her to have a broader picture. At the moment she believes she has nothing, is entitled to nothing and that he can call all the shots because of that.

I have said she should try so that she feels she gave it everything she could. But it is clear he is paying lip service to trying and I worry he’ll just wear her down and things will get acrimonious.

Make sure she looks at his pension. Pensions are often worth more than you can possibly imagine.

A) their house comes as part of his job. What position does this leave her in wrt housing?

So, like being a tenant?
Courts will want to ensure that any children are adequately housed, and their wellbeing will be paramount.

Of course, child maintenance as a proportion of his income will become payable.

B) when people say she might be entitled to part of his pension, if that occurs how does that work. Does he have to sort it out when he retires?

There are alternatives. With true pension sharing she would become a member of the pension scheme, or transfer an equivalent value into another scheme of her own, and gain rights to that pension independently of the husband. Sometimes it's easier to 'trade off' pension wealth against another asset, such as a house or savings -- but if a public sector scheme its value could be >£100,000.

C) she wants to fight to save her marriage. How can I support her when I think she would be far better off without him (she knows my view despite me trying to be fair minded). She won’t go to a solicitor just now as she thinks that is admitting defeat.

Counselling, if agreed, maybe?
Any divorce will need grounds, either unreasonable behaviour or both consent after 2 years apart.

Horrible thought, but the way he's done this - all decided with no discussion whatsoever smacks of a mistress somewhere. There there is or isn't though, my advice would be for your friend to look out for Number 1 from now on and don't imagine for a minute her STBXH will play fair. He's not really playing fair now, is he?

*Where there ffs

Thanks everyone, this is very helpful.

I hadn’t thought of it being like a tenant, but yes. Except that I assume his salary is lower in lieu of provided housing and my head hurts thinking about how that can be factored into what is fair.

He has said he’ll try counselling but says it is a waste of time and doubts it will work. I’ve suggested she sets it up regardless. Whether he goes (or engages) is then outside her control but she will have done what she can.

I had wondered about an affair. It’s possible but I don’t think so on balance. He is incredibly selfish and him just deciding this because it suits him comes as no surprise to me. Whether he is or isn’t, I’d put money on him finding someone soon. After all he’ll need his tea cooked and his shirts ironed 😡.

He has told her how fair he will be and that he’ll “see her right”. She believes him.

Thanks everyone, and sorry to anyone who has been through this. I hate seeing what this is doing to her.

I have another question if that’s ok?

My friend gave up her job when their first baby was born. They both had reasonably paid equivalent jobs. They could not afford the childcare, he works long and unpredictable hours so she didn’t work. He has progressed well and I doubt she could go back to her career. Is it possible to take that into account, or is it irrelevant?

Ceasing a career as one person, to improve the career of the other, can be taken into account through ongoing "spousal maintenance", but that is rare unless he is a high earner. Sometimes the mother may get more of any capital if that is needed to house the children -- but that can only happen if there is any capital (housing, savings) to split

Thank you, really helpful again. Appreciate your time and help.

Just thought I would come back and update. Yes, there is another woman of course .

She has now seen a solicitor and she knows it is definitely over.

Thanks for everyone’s advice, and @EleanorHooverbelt I wish I had taken heed and started digging sooner.

I'll start with c) you can only fight for a marriage if both people want to save it. He does not want to save it she will save her self a huge amount of heart ache accepting this.
Now a) any smart employer will have a non-occupation clause for her in the housing contract. Ie. She has no right to the reside in the tide property if she is no longer in a relationship with their employer. I have these clauses in contracts for my staff who are provided accommodation.
Pensions absolutely this sounds like it maybe their only significant asset.
She needs to see a solicitor, investigate what benefits she will be entitled to and prepare to find a job.