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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Ex husband wants overnight access

48 replies

Pixikitten0123 · 01/05/2018 22:44

Hi, just had a massive row with my STBXH about overnight access. He’s currently renting a room from his ex girlfriend and wants both kids to stay - one of my children has serious medical issues. I’ve refused as I don’t think it’s appropriate. He’s saying there’s spare bedrooms for them to sleep in but I don’t think it’s right that they would be sleeping in a strangers house also considering his room rental agreement. Can anyone advise me of my rights. He’s got access once a fortnight at the moment

OP posts:

Original poster

Pixikitten0123 · 03/05/2018 16:22

It’s not anger, there’s the potential for other males in the house. She has an adult son and he’s very close to her. She also has a boyfriend. She as the owner of the house can have whoever she pleases in her home which is fine but I’m not happy for my children to be there particularly when one has special needs.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 03/05/2018 16:30

When they are under your ex's care, he is responsible for keeping them safe. Can you put forward a strong argument that he would not be able to do this? Again, even if he had his own place, he would be free to take them to other houses in which there were male and female adults you don't know and you would have to rely on him to ensure their safety. I understand it might be scary for you, but I'm trying to see it as the law would.

Original poster

Pixikitten0123 · 03/05/2018 16:30

My children have daytime contact with their father already. I’m not stopping contact but seeing as though it’s only been 8 weeks since he’s gone I think it’s too soon. The kids have been really upset and the youngest has been and is quite seriously ill. I’m waiting for a bed alarm to be fitted. She’s been given an urgent appointment for this doing and I’m having to share a bed with her so I can see to her when she’s ill, which can be up to 10/15 times throughout the night.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 03/05/2018 16:33

There's a bit of a drip feed going on here. No one can advise you better than a solicitor who you give all the facts to.

Doyoumind · 03/05/2018 16:42

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but there has to be a serious, evidence based safeguarding issue for the court to pay any attention to it. They aren't really interested in vague or even genuine concerns unless you can fully back them up. That's the truth of it.

Original poster

Pixikitten0123 · 03/05/2018 16:44

Sorry it’s not been my intention to drip feed as I’ve been at work.
Background:
Together 12 years, he’s an alcoholic. Decided in a phone call he didn’t want to do the sick child thing anymore. Has managed to get training for her as in his words “it’s about time I learned about her condition” - she’s been ill for 6 years. Lied for over a month about where he’s actually living and if I hadn’t accidentally opened his bank statement and saw the transfer weekly of money to her I would still be in the dark. Apparently “his children need him” and at any point he could have women there when he has the kids. I’ve suggested that maybe he would be better focusing his attention on the kids as they should be a priority and it’s their right to see him not the other way round. He doesn’t seem to be considering their feelings at all. Like I’ve said he does have regular contact with them.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 03/05/2018 17:46

If you can afford to, I would speak to a good family solicitor. You're going to need to anyway, surely, in relation to the split in general. You/he will be encouraged to go to mediation in the first instance at any rate.

CurlyRover · 03/05/2018 17:55

and at any point he could have women there when he has the kids.

But that would be true even if he lived in his own place? 8 weeks isn't long but they're entitled to a full relationship with him which includes being allowed to wake up with him. Will he consider sharing a room with the ill one?

Doyoumind · 03/05/2018 18:03

According to the law, it's also not an issue for you not to know where he's living or where he's taking the DC when they are with him. After 8 weeks I'm sure it's all very raw but you will be in a stronger position if you fully understand what court happen if he decides to take the matter further.

Doyoumind · 03/05/2018 18:04

*what could happen

Original poster

Pixikitten0123 · 03/05/2018 18:06

He’s unwilling to meet me and discuss, it’s his way or no way. Personally I wouldn’t introduce anybody to my kids unless it’s a proper lasting relationship. My kids are my priority and they don’t deserve confusing further. I completely understand his rights but there has to be some compromise. At least with his own house he can control who has access to it. I would never stop him seeing them as kids need both parents. I just don’t think it’s a suitable arrangement at the moment.

OP posts:

Sistersofmercy101 · 03/05/2018 18:06

"he's an alcoholic "
curly... The children are entitled to be left full time in the 'care' (one of whom is vulnerablely ill) of an alcoholic - really?

Original poster

Pixikitten0123 · 03/05/2018 18:08

Curly : those were his words about the women there at any point not mine

OP posts:

Sistersofmercy101 · 03/05/2018 18:09

Well said pixikitten
I agree wholeheartedly. Whilst, yes absolutely the children deserve and have a right in law, to know their father - they also have the right to be SAFE. Best of luck

zippey · 03/05/2018 18:09

I’m sorry but you would be devastated if you could only see your kids once every 2 weeks, and not even have them overnight.

It does sound he is coming from a good place, that his intentions for the kids are good.

It’s a concern that he’s an alcoholic and with your daughters illness. But what one person can do, another can do.

Let him have them overnight and give yourself some much needed relaxation time.

Doyoumind · 03/05/2018 18:09

Again, however distasteful it might be to you, he has the right to introduce a new girlfriend tomorrow and there's nothing you can do about it.

Sisters, yes plenty of people with a history of addiction or domestic abuse are granted contact with children, unless a safeguarding issue can be proven.

seventh · 03/05/2018 18:12

parental alienation is also taken very seriously by the family courts.

But the OP isn't alienating a parent. She's simply saying she doesn't want OVERNIGHT access in a shared occupancy house. There's lots of other times that the dad can have access

EscapistTendencies · 03/05/2018 18:17

It does sound he is coming from a good place, that his intentions for the kids are good.

A sick child who needs attended to upto 15 times a night needs more than good intentions.
If he won't discuss it like an adult OP I'd let him go to court where he'll have to prove exactly how he intends to provide the required overnight care. Shoving them in a room down the hall doesn't cut it. Or maybe let him have them for a night, 15 night wakings later I bet he doesn't ask again.

Original poster

Pixikitten0123 · 03/05/2018 18:30

I’ve got a solicitor, both kids have got phones so he’s also able to speak to them whenever he likes - he calls once a fortnight. She was admitted to hospital the other week and upon discharge I called him to ask if he could collect us and he refused - he took the family car the day after he left, hopped over the garden wall and drove off so it was planned as he drives a van all week for work as he works away. I know he’s able to introduce whoever he pleases to the kids but just because he can doesn’t make it the right thing to do for the kids. It’s ok having rights but there’s a responsibility that comes with those rights

OP posts:

zippey · 03/05/2018 19:19

Is introducing new people so bad? Children meet new people all the time, at school, clubs etc. They ask questions and adapt. It’s all part of experiencing life.

I get a feeling that he gets huffy because there is a power imbalance and he believes he isn’t being treated fairly.

An overnight stay, I just don’t think what he is asking for is unreasonable. It’s 50% his child too.

Having said all that I know you are thinking about what’s in the best interests of your children. He probably just has a different opinion on what’s best for them.

larrygrylls · 03/05/2018 19:43

OP,

From what you say he sounds awful.

On the other hand you seem to be coming from s position of ownership of your children and you can impose conditions of how and under what conditions he can see them. This is unfair on both the children and him.

I would be more convinced if you were not mixing up two issues: having a private house and his alcoholism.

If it is genuinely not safe for the children, refuse for him to see him and get a good lawyer to show this in the family court. If the reasons are more one of distaste for how he left and how he lives, you will be treated very harshly by a judge (and rightly so).

By the way, if it is unsafe for the sick child to have overnights, why not with just the other one?

Original poster

Pixikitten0123 · 03/05/2018 19:55

The original agreement we had was that he would have them overnight once he had his own house which he was happy with. I have it in a text message. He’s more bothered about his rights than what’s best for the kids. He’s changed the agreement without consulting me. If I hadn’t accidentally opened his statement he would have quite happily lied about where my children are - I can’t accept that I don’t have the right to know where my children are particularly when one has an illness that will never get better.

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 11/05/2018 13:17

Relief this is so far from parental alienation (which isnt even a thing yet) as not to be even in sight of it. stop scaremongering.

Child safety is a major concern for courts and they won't want your kids in a separate room in and HMO unless all checks are done.

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