My DH has called time on our marriage after almost 24 years, together for 29 years since we were 20. DS 21 (at uni), DD19 (recent autism diagnosis, this is relevant) DS 16. He claims he loves me like a brother and always will be there as a friend to support and help me etc but doesn’t love me as his partner. Has been unhappy for years, unhappy with our physical relationship and intimacy, it has been this way too long for him and there is no way for us to get it back (his view).
He has had (or is in the middle of really) a bit of a breakdown. He has finally, at my suggestion, undertaken counselling to help him deal with losing his father at the age of 12. This has shaken him to his core and made him realise that amongst other things, he has never really grown up, has to put on this perfect outward view that he was perfect, everything was perfect to his Mum and 4 siblings (he is the joint youngest of 5 with his twin sister),was never allowed to grieve for his father etc. Our DD’s autism diagnosis was very hard for him to accept, he now realises they share certain traits. He has always been very ‘flat’ and unavailable emotionally, I (due to my upbringing) am very independent and self sufficient, so turn in on myself.
He cannot see how separating from me and the kids is intrinsically linked. He thinks he can move out, stop being my partner, but that we can still have a family life, he has said he is scared of being lonely and losing his family. He has talked about still coming round to cut the grass, walk the dog, go on holiday together etc. He doesn’t seem to understand that he will be splitting up the family and for my own sanity and self preservation I will need space from him (at least at first) and things won’t be the same.
The reality is our house will have to be sold so we can afford somewhere for him to live. He works very long hours and travels abroad frequently for work, so I will have to (and want to) have DS16 and DD19 live with me and my priority will be to have a decent family home for them, but it will not include him. I have told him it is not what I want and I am willing to go to counselling with him and work (or at least try) to get back a level of intimacy that works for both of us, but he says it’s too late.
We are waiting for DS16 to get through imminent GCSEs before we tell them. He has said he needs space from me and that he can achieve this either by moving into the spare room or moving to a flat, but that that is up to me (!).
I am rapidly moving from being constantly on the verge of tears to, frankly,fucking angry with him.
Advice please, how do I handle this? I feel like he wants everything on his own unrealistic terms. Do I let him experience a dose of flat living reality and me not being there as his partner (he still thinks we will carry on texting to ask how day is going etc...) and hope he changes his mind or do I move forward with plans for survival after separation and ultimately divorce.
We have our issues, but I am heartbroken he thinks we can’t work though them.