Separating & stbeh wants to live together...

[Bluezoo41]

Hi,
First time here. Some background: been with stbeh 20 years, married 15, 2 kids (ds 12, dd 13). Over the years I’ve felt like I have 3 kids - stbeh one of them! He’s been dependent on me emotionally & it’s been hard. Each time (4 in total) I’ve built courage to say this & it to be over, he’s threatened and/or attempted suicide. The penultimate time he & I went for separate counselling & agreed to try again - for a while he was more independent but again slipped back. I’ve been hiding/trying for last 6-8months & living the lie of a good relationship (so believable it’s shocked him & no doubt others when they find out). It’s been so hard deciding whether to carry on pretending for the kids sake.
I decided that I couldn’t do this for another 20+ years so told him in as nice a way as possible. He threatened to commit suicide, I said I didn’t want that but wouldn’t physically stop him walking out - called the police to report his plan& they picked him up after a failed suicide attempt.
We are one week on, the kids know we are separating but he’s told them we will both stay in the house & be there parents. I’ve asked how this is separating but he says as it’s what I want & not his choosing he won’t leave the family house & kids, as it’s me instigating this I can leave if I want. Clearly I don’t want to leave my kids. I am more than happy to have the kids between us as he’s a good dad but I can’t see it working living together.
This week it’s been weird as most things are the same - washing & ironing each other’s clothes, grocery shopping, making meals, watching tv - so I’m feeling like he’s trying to keep me in the same position apart from sleeping in separate rooms.

We are seeing relate together later this week to discuss our different expectations- him wanting to live together, me wanting to separate from him & live apart.

I want the kids to be supported by us both as loving parents.

Any thoughts on making this work?

I can't see how it will Work living together. Your STBXH has a point... you're instigating this, so why should he move out of the family home... tricky

No it wont work. You need to stop doing stuff like his washing and meals for a start! Do you both own your home? If so then neither can insist the other moves out, you will need to divorce and the house be sold to provide two properties for you to live in, where the dc live is partly upto them, but starting point is 50/50. Do not be bullied into continuing this life because of his suicide threats and attempts, that is so so selfish. Make a plan, stick to it and dont be swayed or you will be in exactly the same place in 20 years.

Thanks both. I agree that I am instigating this & it does seem unfair to ask him to leave. I am very open & it seems fair to work Phillipa12 with your suggestion. To sell the family home & 50/50 child care in new homes - he’s totally against this as he says he’ll lose 50% of his time with them. He doesn’t spend 100% time with them now.

He is holding you hostage with his suicide threats. It's up to you if you want to "live" that way, but it sounds pretty grim. It's a very common control tactic to threaten self harm, and not accept that relationships fail.

I would suggest you see a solicitor to get an idea of divorce outcomes.

I’d go to a solicitor ASAP. Find out how you can properly resolve this issue.

The way you say your STBXH is behaving he is not going to be nice to live with.

Also tell your dc you will not continue living together once you’ve worked out what you are going to do so they know what to expect.

Thanks I have thought about solicitor & I’m going to see what relate say before I head in that direction (extra costs at the moment!) if I can separate without divorce costs that would really help...not saying I won’t work with a solicitor though if there really is no other way. Thank you 😊

Update: I feel so sad for my husband he says we’re all he’s got & although I’ve reiterated the kids will still be there he’s distraught & crying again. I just know that if I give in again I (we) will have to go through this all again at some point...I’m questioning my resolve but know I need to be strong.

Gone full circle now, he’s adamant he’s staying with the kids in the house & I should go. He’s turning nasty & threatening that I will have to take a small amount of ‘payoff’ & leave the kids - no way! I’m so confused am I being manipulated?? I can’t work out what’s fair & not. So need some guidance & help - hope relate can help.

Don't forget you need to feature in this equation somewhere.
It sounds like you're so used to looking after him and putting him first.
Don't agree to leave the house unless the children are either coming to live with you or at least having 50/50 time with you.
Although I can't see how 50/50 is good for children of that age.

He's doing this so you don't leave at all.

Don't make your life decisions based on his need for you to wash his underwear.

What do you want? If you had a magic wand, what would your life be like next year?

I just think a solicitor's advice would really help here.

How much actual childcare does he do just now, and how much is you?

Who fills in the forms for school places/school trips etc?

Who books dentist/GP appts for children?

Who buys their clothes?

Who washes their clothes?

Who checks them for nits etc?

He's emotionally blackmailing you again.

You need to step back and breath. Can you afford a rental deposit to move out with the kids ?

Please, go and see a solicitor. Please!

PS I am one. You really need to know likely outcomes.

Thanks I really appreciate all the support. I’m divided on the seeing a solicitor as I think I should at least wait till tomorrow when I will have seen Relate (with him) to discuss if we can find an amicable agreement rather than involve legal teams. If we can’t then I will of course move to solicitor.
We sort of split childcare. I’m self employed & work a mix of home & occasional away - around 4 nights a month in London but I could do less travel going forward. He’s a 9-5 locally & is very strongly saying that will go in his favour (I’m not buying that though). I arrange groceries, cook 85% of meals, we split the washing, I do 85% ironing, I arrange 90% school trips/forms/dentist/doctors. He takes son to football training & we split match attendance. I take dd for her hobby once a week & he stays at home & watches a film while my ds plays PS4 or sometimes they go out. I ‘sort’ stuff out so if anything goes wrong, e.g. school friend issues, etc. I’m on it. I have stepped away from sorting STBXH stuff, e.g. will you call the hospital for me...
I so don’t want to mess my kids up in this..that’s why I’d like to get through this as amicably as poss.

You can avoid escalating things without giving in too much I think.
This man is not your friend.
He is threatening to ensure you don't live with your children anymore.
It sounds like you do the bulk of the work for them so it may well be an empty threat but it's very cruel.

A solicitor would be money well spent.

I think Relate can create a situation where one party feels pressure to give in too much and the other revels in the situation.

Would you be able to afford the current house on your own?

Sounds tough OP. He is blackmailing you. You most likely feel as though you are completely responsible for him, his feelings and his actions - you are not, he is a grown up human being with his own mind. It sounds as though he would still be able to play a strong and active role in your children's lives if you split up. He may be going through a grieving process - but this is for him to go through. Please do not rescue this man again, he is manipulating you.

Divorcing someone who doesn't want to get divorced is very difficult - I've got the emotional scars and the legal bills too. You will have to be very strong, and you will also have to have legal advice. I found solo Relate very helpful.

We went 50/50 with the children which could have worked fine if the split had been more amicable and he'd been a better dad. Overall I don't think the kids were damaged any more than they would have been if we'd stayed in our miserable marriage. We did have to live together while the house was being sold though, which was very very tough indeed.

bluezoo another thread refers to STBXH stuff as wifework and that when asked to do anything like that respond with no I don't do wifework anymore.

Thank you all so very much. I was unsure about posting on here but now feel so relieved to have other views & sensible views which I can connect with. I’ll see what tomorrow brings & then make my next plan - taking it a day at a time as I’m also working whilst juggling this stuff. Thanks a million

It will mess you kids up more if you continue this sham of a relationship.

But unfortunately until you are completely out of this situation in your own house and away from him will you see how bad it is.

You need to plan you life going forward.

Yes go to relate even if it helps him understand that you are going to separate.

See a solicitor to get your ducks in row, so when he tell you his rubbish then you can see it for what it is.

For me how can you even contemplate even 50/50 with him when he keep threaten suicide.

And yes STOP cooking, cleaning and looking after him and STOP him doing this for you. If you are separating then you need to STOP being a family.

Perhaps this thread will help it's has posters who are going through the same as you and may be able offer support and help.

@bluezoo41 your children know so there's no need to do act like a family anymore with him, I'm in situation that I don't want dc to know until we've sorted out practicalities of who's going to live where and mine are 8 & 4, you're not though.