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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

I don’t want this

16 replies

notanothermess · 19/04/2018 17:08

Don’t know where to begin really, so hope this doesn’t go on too long! Ok I’m the husband and father (please don’t boo me off) married for 8yrs 2kids (1 a step), it’s been really hard going for the last 3-4yrs and getting progressively worse. All intimacy has gone from her side (she blames it on depression and all the crap she has had to deal with outside our relationship), which in turn has had a knock on effect to our loving friendship side. I love my wife so much and still fancy the pants off her, she has said that she can’t have a intimate relationship as that part of her has died and fundamentally she has no idea if she can get it back (counselling hasn’t helped). So we have just been plodding on but it’s taking its toll, counselling we are going through. But this morning after talking she is thinking about a trail separation, I’m devastated at the thought of having to leave my home, wife and children, I already miss so much being in the job I’m doing, now i will be missing so much more. I want us to have what we used to have, is leaving the family home a good idea, worried about little girl who is all about daddy (the thought of not seeing her everyday fills me with dread). Not that anyone can help but some kind words of wisdom would be nice

OP posts:

waterSpider · 19/04/2018 21:29

Do not move out even for a trial separation. It can be used against you later.

WinterSunglasses · 19/04/2018 22:15

I wouldn't move out either. Can you sleep in separate rooms? That might take some of the pressure off for now at least without you losing everyday time with the kids.

Original poster

notanothermess · 19/04/2018 22:30

We don’t have a spare room, and she wants space to sort herself out. 1st night of putting kids to bed after trial separation was dropped, very upsetting, kids haven’t been told of news yet and everything they said was all family together stuff. Was so hard to keep all the tears in in front of them.

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 19/04/2018 22:47

So let her move out for the trial separation. Why should you?

Original poster

notanothermess · 19/04/2018 22:56

With 2 children and she does the school runs and sorting them it seems I don’t have a leg to stand on and isn’t it the norm for every father to have to give the family and home up! Feeling sorry for myself

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 19/04/2018 23:10

Certainly not. there is no reason why you have to move out of the house. You have as many legal rights as any other man/woman. She needs to take responsibility for her decisions. Stand up for your rights, your the parent exactly the same as she is.

bionicnemonic · 19/04/2018 23:18

Absolutely if she wants space then it’s up to her. Ask around the other parents for help with the school run or look for a part time child minder. It will cost money but hopefully it will be manageable even if you have to cut other corners. School breakfast club? There must be a way...I can imagine you’re upset and feel despondent but you need to work this out quickly before things spiral in a direction you don’t want. Good luck

ReanimatedSGB · 19/04/2018 23:28

She is the main carer for the children, therefore you will be expected to be the one who moves out. If she is suffering from stress and depression, and wants you to leave, the kindest and most ethical thing you can do is leave. Trying to force her out of her home and away from her children when she is the one who does most of the childcare would not reflect very well on you.

Also, how much time have you spent mentioning the fact that there's not enough sex? This may be another reason she wants a trial separation...

Walkingdeadfangirl · 19/04/2018 23:48

you will be expected to be the one who moves out
Potentially a court might or might not decide that in 2 years time (unlikely). He is most definitely NOT expected to move out at this stage.

If she is suffering from stress and depression the worst thing you can do is move out and leave her alone with the children. How would you feel if she couldn't cope alone and the worst happened?

She needs help and you need to look after the children while she gets it. Figure out what happens after that.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 19/04/2018 23:52

If she needs space the only decent option is to give her the space. You're hardly going to fix things if you refuse that basic request. Main issue surely is how long in the first instance and finances. Can you arrange to see DC daily?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/04/2018 23:56

Do you really think it is best for the kids to force their main career to move out and (just in case that isn’t enough change) stick them in childcare full time when the parent who has taken them to school every day of their life is available?

Op - the previous posters are probably right - not moving out will probably give you the best chances of maximising your finances and time with the kids post a highly contentious divorce. But it comes at a price. Damaging your children even more they will be by the separation of their parents.

Sadly you have to decide whether to do the best thing for you or the best thing for your children.

The other thing is that if you refuse to move out then I’d say your current amicable situation will become unamicable very very quickly. And then your chances of reconciliation will be gone forever.

xzcvbnm · 20/04/2018 00:02

OP I can't tell if you're trolling or not tbh, but if you're for real:

a) recognise your relationship is over and prepare for such
b) don't move out of the family home, there is no imperative for the father to have to leave.
c) Despite the other nonsense posted it's not up to her what happens next, you have an equal role to play in your children's lives. You've stated that she is a damaged person, your children need you. You need to decide what is best

xzcvbnm · 20/04/2018 00:03

Btw if you do leave, prepare for allegations that you've recklessly abandonned your children

waterSpider · 20/04/2018 08:11

How much 'space' is she really going to get as (effectively) a single parent to two children?
A man saying that on MN would quickly be accused of having already lined up a new partner.
Stay put, until all the longer term consequences are clearer.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/04/2018 08:31

Is she a 'damaged' person, though? Or is she just sick of OP pestering her? The opening post focuses pretty strongly on the fact that he is not getting his dick wet, after all. Passing mention of issues 'outside the relationship' that have caused his wife stress, but his main complaint is that she is refusing sex.
Of course, it's miserable to be in a relationship with someone who no longer finds you desirable, and it's OK to decide you don't want to continue the relationship, and take steps to end it. But OP's wife appears to be the one who has accepted that the relationship is not working, and that it's time to put an end to it, and OP seems to think that she is not entitled to do that.

Sistersofmercy101 · 20/04/2018 13:56

reanimated
Well said!!
So the main carer is stressed because of OP and subsequently asked he leave - so that she can best parent the children in an environment free from separation /divorce tension and stress and it appears as if OP is weaponising the children to guilt trip his wife into leaving!
So for all those saying that the children's main carer should be booted out - how exactly is that best for the children?

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