How to handle questions from children about split

[Littlemissweepy]

Been reading / lurking in mumsnet for years but new to posting.

Am going through a separation. He has moved out, I am still at home with the children. We have two 6 year olds. Children adore their daddy.

Looking for advice and experience of others in how to talk to their children. We told them the news together , did lots of reading, research and thinking about the right way to tell them and what to say. We were a united front, agreed on what we would say to them in advance etc.

That was about a month ago.

Mostly the children have coped very well. Odd moment from DD in particular where she gets upset but it soon passes with cuddles and reassurance and then distraction.

Last night DD was very weepy at bedtime and a whole flood of questions came out. Some were easier that others to handle but she is really probing on the reasons for the split.

Why are you breaking the marriage with daddy?
Who decided?
When did you decide?
Why don’t you like him anymore?
What did he do wrong? What did you do wrong?

I guess I was not prepared for these and am not sure how to answer.

Truth is STBX is a compulsive lying, alcoholic, drug addict who I have supported through the last 10 years and always pulled him back to his feet. I have decided to end the relationship after the latest horrendous relapse and discovering a whole pile of unsavory crap had been hidden from me, again, as I was utterly broken and needed to protect myself and my children.

Can’t say any of that to my kids obviously and they are not satisfied with my generic “sometimes grown ups relationships change” and “everything will be ok, we both still love you very much”.

Breaks my heart to see them so sad and upset ☹️.

Any advice on how to answer these tough questions, wise mumsnetters??

Mum and Dad glue book is good for that age.

Tell them as much as they need to know. That sometimes mummy’s and daddy’s need to live apart to stay friends. That you will both always be there etc just not in same house.
If can do parents evening etc together. Show a united front. Let them contact Dad when ever they want to. Have pic of him in their room.

My dd is 4 and she was so sad for first few weeks. It sounds like you put a more united front on than us and that’s what they recommend.

Both give the same message, make it age appropriate and without blame and emphasise that it wasn’t the child’s fault and you both will love them regardless of whether you live together or not.

Every now and again dd asks more about it, and they say that’s to be expected. They will ask questions forever, but will grow more accepting.

SHould have said mine were 8 and 6 at time. Did same as you telling them together. I also went round to show them daddy’s new house too with them. Youngest did ask where my room would be and I said I wouldn’t be having a room there.

Take access at their pace. Don’t rush to make them sleep over if they aren’t ready. My eldest wasn’t ready for about 4-5 months. I sent spare bedding from home to make it feel more secure for them.

Mine are now 13 and 10 and don’t ask anymore. Both of us have new partners.

Thanks minimi85. I’ll check out that book. Doing most of that but hadn’t thought about a photo of their dad in their room. That’s a good idea. I’ve just taken down a few photos of us as a couple and wasn’t sure what to do about the ones as a family of four. I don’t really like looking at them, will obviously keep them safe but not sure about them being a permanent feature in my living room!

They are keen to help him choose his next place, and new car etc. He is in a flat share just now until he gets on his feet and it isn’t ideal to take them back to. They won’t be sleeping over with him for a long while. So good to involve them in that stuff I suppose. My DD asked me if I would get a new husband and if daddy got a new wife would he not be their daddy anymore. So sad for them!

Dunnoaboutthat - I have been careful as you say to not lay blame - it is worrying me that I can’t control what my STBX will tell them. He had made a few threats to tell them that it was my fault and he didn’t want to split but I wouldn’t let him come home. Yeah thanks for that . Just hope he can put the children’s needs above his own need to shoot his mouth off.

They tough ones are all the “why” questions - really have no answer that isn’t just glossy and generic which my DD can see right through!

For the why just need to tell them what they need to know. My youngest used to say to me why won’t you let daddy come home. I used to just say it wasn’t as easy as that and we needed to live apart to stay friends.

It does pass. Tell them how much you love them and that daddy does too.

I had no family pics around. But in their rooms they can have what they like. The photos are from when we were all together and I think it’s important not to delete that time from their minds as it were. We still talk about family holidays and things we did all together.

When time is right for new partners you’ll need to reaffirm that not a new daddy or mummy. My eldest won’t entertain the word step dad for my DP and that’s absolutely fine. No one else will ever be her dad.

My DD was 8 when ExH and I split and 12 when DP and I meet and will be 15 when we marry next year.
We ( well I because ExH didn't gave the guts to say it) told her we weren't making each other happy and we thought it was better to have two happy homes rather than one unhappy one.
Sadly ExH's actions of moving the OW in five days after he left the family home illustrated that it was rather more than that. At 9 DD tried to probe further, and pushed me I maintained the not making each other happy line. She pushed back with "that's not the real reason you need to tell me the real reason". I told her "there were complex adult reasons why we were not making each other happy, but actually they were none of her business".
I maintained a consistent home she always knew where she stood with me and I was always truthful with her even if I wouldn't go into detail. So when I meet DP and through a text message she found out about him sooner than I would have liked I was truthful with her. When it was clear he was going to be around for a good while we introduced them in a very casual way to start with. He has no children and is very aware he must not try to be her Dad. She knows he doesn't want to replace her Dad.
She is delighted we are getting married.
As another divorcing friend said you need to hold your shit together no matter how hard it is, you need to be consistent so that they have that certainty of you.

My DD was 8 when ExH and I split and 12 when DP and I meet and will be 15 when we marry next year.
We ( well I because ExH didn't gave the guts to say it) told her we weren't making each other happy and we thought it was better to have two happy homes rather than one unhappy one.
Sadly ExH's actions of moving the OW in five days after he left the family home illustrated that it was rather more than that. At 9 DD tried to probe further, and pushed me I maintained the not making each other happy line. She pushed back with "that's not the real reason you need to tell me the real reason". I told her "there were complex adult reasons why we were not making each other happy, but actually they were none of her business".
I maintained a consistent home she always knew where she stood with me and I was always truthful with her even if I wouldn't go into detail. So when I meet DP and through a text message she found out about him sooner than I would have liked I was truthful with her. When it was clear he was going to be around for a good while we introduced them in a very casual way to start with. He has no children and is very aware he must not try to be her Dad. She knows he doesn't want to replace her Dad.
She is delighted we are getting married.
As another divorcing friend said you need to hold your shit together no matter how hard it is, you need to be consistent so that they have that certainty of you.