Still living together before divorce - new man?

[orangemuppet]

So my H and I are getting divorced. House is on the market but no offers yet - could take months.

About a year ago I was working with this guy - he was the only guy in 10 years with H that made me think "If I wasn't married..."

I got the impression he felt the same but we kept it strictly professional as I WAS married and even though we were having problems, we were working on them. So nothing ever happened and I put that thought firmly in a box.

The project ended and we went our separate ways.

Now H wants a divorce. I went through sadness and anger and am now at acceptance. We are still living together and it is civil but the divorce is definitely going ahead. I kept thinking about this other guy and wondering if my instincts had been right, that he had liked me. He could have moved on by now, or I might have been wrong and he might not have been interested. I didn't want to wait till we sold the house (possibly months) to find out.

So I emailed him.

Turns out he has moved departments in the organisation we both work for, he is now working in the same town as me and is moving house to be closer to work. He has even given me his new address and is happy to meet for a coffee once he has moved.

So now I don't know what to do. It's very early but I think my instincts were on the money. He knows I am still living with my H but that we are getting divorced.

Under the circumstances am I wrong to pursue a friendship with this guy, knowing full well that I would like it to be more?

As long as the guy knows exactly what the arrangements are between you and your husband, that you still live together and it's a long road to divorce. Only fair he is aware of all the facts then I don't see why not

I'm also worried about my H's reaction if I told him. If I keep it secret I feel like I'm doing something wrong. But if I tell him it could make things unpleasant. He might feel I should wait till we're no longer living together to start seeing other people.

You’re not a partnership anymore, so you really don’t have to base your decision on what your STBXH feels.

You’re getting divorced, the house is only a practicality. Go for it with a clear conscience.

Thanks. Logically I agree. Still feels weird though.

How would you feel if your husband started seeing someone new?

Right now, I wouldn't mind. But if he'd done it before this I would have thought "couldn't you at least have waited till we sold the house ?" Which is why I feel bad. Even though I've done nothing yet but email the guy.

But then logically, my H initiated the divorce. Why should I be in limbo for months. If we didn't own the house we could have been moved out and separated in weeks and I'd be free to move on.

Really as you say though you're only initiating a friendship at this stage, with the hope it might become more. Not harmful, I know what you mean that it seems worse somehow because you're still in the same house.
I began dating my DH when he was still in his house with exw, same position, waiting for it to be sold. Exw did the same thing a few months later. Initially it was weird, I found it weird being in their house, but they'd both moved on and it was only a case of sharing the space until it was sold. They lived separate lives.

My stbx started seeing someone nano seconds after our decision to divorce and while still in the same house, and I found it very difficult. Long intimate sounding conversations very late at night. Showering and getting dressed up before going out. Some book I looked at referred to this super quick new person as the warm body replacement and it really does feel like that.

We are still in the same bloody house but stbx's awful behaviour during the divorce and his super quick new person have made me quite bitter and angry I am afraid. Though they have also given me strength of the "sod him" variety.

For me it has been a world of hurt and continues to be so.

Ah well I bit the bullet today and asked the guy (subtly) if he likes me. The answer was that he thought very highly of me but not in that way and he was sorry if he'd given me the wrong impression.

So the discussion is moot. I got friendzoned. Still I'll bear your comments in mind for the future.

Aw well good for you for being so forth coming and brave!