Walk Away Wife

[gpac]

Hi all
So I'm a 39 year old male recently separated from my DW. I found on the internet, a phrase/syndrome called the ''Walk away wife" syndrome.
It describes my situation down to the T. Has anyone else heard of this Walk away wife syndrome and has experienced it?
In my case she admits I haven't done anything wrong ,but it seems its ok for us to separate, because we so different and quote, "I wouldn't have married you if I knew the type of person you are".
The absolute pain and heart ache I've felt over these past months have been crippling. I've had terrible depression and feel awful for my two little girls.
I am now out the house, but I'm building up so much anger and resentment to my DW. I don't know how to move forward. Couples counseling hasn't helped.
I've fantasied sleeping with other women, just so I can tell her, and then she can feel the pain I'm going through.

I'm so tired of the tears and sadness......
Anyones thoughts?????

Hi gpac sorry to hear your situation. Am almost in the same boat, not married but together 12 years and one ds who is 6. She pulled the plug on our relationship in January and it’s been the toughest few months of my life. The anger you feel is normal and justified. It will fade over time but it’s a long process and I’m not exactly over everything just yet. I

Going non contact has helped. I’m sorry I don’t really have any easy answers, and yes it really hurts, but if she is able to just walk away like that, and not think of the impact on you kids when there are no real problems shows her to be very selfish. I guess there probably were problems, there were for me looking back, but that was in my case down to her having unrealistic expectations of who I/we were. I never saw that she really felt that way when we were together but now apart can see maybe I was the wrong person for her. Doesn’t mean I think she’s done the right thing, it’s just love makes us blind and we only see the bits we want to see.

Hope you coping ok, come and join us on the feeling sad thread if you need to vent and rant. Hug

Thanks for your reply Lonelycrab. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I'm just taking things, one day at a time. My emotions are often all over the place.
Friends and family talk about how to get back together and all that I need to do, but to be honest, really don't want to get back together. I don't want to be near her. I associate her with intense emotional pain, and anger. The only reason I need to deal is for my kids.

There must be more to this, is she having some kind of mid-life crisis? It sounds like she's being incredibly vague; her saying that she wouldn't have married you had she known who you are? What does she mean by that?

From an outsider, it sounds like she's gotten bored or is expecting more from life and she's suddenly jolted into action without much thought or regard to anyone else whatsoever. I'm so sorry this has happened, I can imagine how hard it must be to deal with.

Thanks causeimunderyourspell.
Well all the things shes brought up, in my mind are rather petty. When I brought that up, she said that I just don't understand her and to her they are serious. When I spoke to other people about her concerns, they agreed that they are weak reasons and every marriage will have these types of problems. Definitely not reason to break up a family over.

The only one thing I can think of is I'm a veteran of the recent middle eastern wars, and have had some PTSD. I've always kept it under control and hasn't been that much of an issue, until she revealed all these hurtful revelations. Then its like having a magnifying glass on your PTSD. I went to seek counseling as I was having very unhealthy thoughts. That was only due to the emotional stress I was going through because of my marriage.
I must say that she comes from a somewhat dysfunctional family. Her parents would split up and get back together through her entire childhood. We where in fact living with her folks as all this came out, as we had just sold our house.

I just don't want to live the rest of my life splitting up then getting back together, every time she doesn't agree with something.
To much pain!!!

Things change. I left my first husband because he didn't want children. I thought I could live with it but found i couldn't. It's my greatest regret in life as I hurt him very much by marrying him. I have no doubt that he never wants to see me again and that's completely reasonable. Its also true that our relationship was very difficult for me in other ways, but i never told him about any of that because the children issue was overwhelming. However I hope that he has found a way to leave the pain in the past and live an enjoyable life now, and that could well have taken therapy. He had therapy before but always seemed very suspicious of the process and reported times when the therapist didn't seem to get it as victories for him. Why not have therapy for the PTSD - maybe eye movement therapy, there's supposed to be some evidence that it works? It might be more of an issue than you think and surely life could only be better if you addressed it.

Thanks annadale, I've had counseling for the PTSD, and it was ok. I'm feeling a lot better now, but just trying to deal with the pain of my breakup. My wife seems to be enjoying her time alone.

I agree, there are difficult issues in a relationship as you said, and I think every marriage will have them at some point. In your case, the issue of wanting children ended up to big a point to compromise on. At least you didn't have kids caught up in the middle of it all. You and your ex could move on and build the lives you want and hope you have. I hope you now have kids and that they bring you great joy!!!

For your own sake you need to reduce the anger as its unhealthy for you longterm.Sleeping with other women to hurt her is just toxic behaviour and will impact you more as it not behaviour you will be proud of.Its also deeply disrespectful to the other women.

It is always sad when a marriage ends especially if there are children but it can often be for the best.

My ex would have an entirely different perspective on why our marriage ended, its his reality so I have to accept it even if I don't agree with him.

I couldn't live with his anger and walked on eggshells, he however never agreed he was angry, just "frustrated".I guess he felt it was obvious.His anger came from childhood trauma.

Our separation feels unreasonable to him, however to me its liberation and I am happier although very sad that it had to end.

I had hoped to have an amicable divorce but his anger and bitterness has made it impossible.I can no longer feel safe talking with him so have to go NC.
This hurts the children and I wish it wasn't the case but nothing seems to calm him.

Please don't be like this, your anger will seep through even if you think its under control and the children will be aware.

You can have a good life again, it takes time to heal so treat it like a physical injury and be kind to yourself.

Focus on what your life will be like, take small steps to rebuild and over time the good days out number the bad ones.
If you feel bitter, stop and breathe, letting go of negative emotions and take in positive thoughts.
Youtube is excellent for ways to calm and soothe yourself.
Good luck

Thanks lifebegins50, I wouldn't end up going down the road of sleeping with women to hurt my wife, I'm just coming from a place of hurt.
When she seems happy and I am miserable, like she doesn't care, I just don't understand. I've really tried to be a good husband. I'm not perfect, but neither is she, but I wouldn't break up a marriage because its not perfect. My anger is something that is only recent, and I'm not expressing it on her, especially as we have young kids.
In the process of managing my emotions without creating long lasting damage.

Get some talking therapy so you can talk out your anger with someone. There are counsellers that specialize in ex-army / military. Also suggest you take your kids out of the house and do outdoors stuff with them; something to take all your minds off things and keep it in the present.

Thanks Glug,
I'm dealing with the PTSD. I have been speaking to a counselor. Doesn't always help. But I do spend a lot of time with my kids, its what keeps me going!