Grounds for unreasonable behaviour

[helpimgoingcrazyhere]

Hi I am looking at filing for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and wondered if anyone can offer advice on the wording.

The following are a few examples, some are probably more suitable than others:

The Respondent has a bad temper which he has lost on numerous occasions leading to anxiety and a deterioration of mental health and well-being

The Respondent will refuse to talk and bring a bad mood to the table if upset, as he did when on holiday in Dorset (5 September 2017), leading to general anxiety and a feeling of walking on eggshells over minor disagreements.

The Respondent got upset and angry (on the 15 October 2017) when the Petitioner wanted to return a car seat to her parents in the car, not hearing that the car seat would be strapped into the car and therefore was considered to be safe. The Respondent shouted that he would throw the cars seat into the canal, leading to the Petitioner feeling upset and exhausted, with it being the 3rd time he had raised his voice at her that morning.

When upset, the Respondent will refuse to speak/communicate leading to feelings of exhaustion as it is constant work to not upset him and then to try and deal with his low moods/sulleness

The Respondent has consistently neglected to respect and value my feelings and opinions, leading to low self esteem and self worth.

The Respondent has repeatedly forgotten major celebrations such as birthdays and mothers day, leading the Petitioner to feel undervalued.

The Respondent has lost control of his temper on more than one occasion, once pre marriage and the other time after dinner with friends, which has left the Respondent scared and anxious on subsequent occasions when the respondent has had a lot of alcohol to drink.

The Respondent is habitually and excessively critical of the Petitioner, commenting on her abilities as a wife in a manner calculated to cause the Respondent to feel belittled and humiliated.

The Respondent was unsupportive when the Petitioner was looking to return to work, following a period of maternity leave, leaving her feeling like her opinions, feelings and desire to return to work were unimportant in the relationship.

On 16 March 2018, the Respondent was angry when the petitioner accidentally left the house keys in the front door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell and knocking so loudly that the panels from around the glass fell on the floor. This continued until the Petitioner was able to get downstairs to open the door, leaving the Petitioner on edge and anxious when the Respondent returns home, just in case she has again failed to remove the keys.

Can anyone help?

Advice to me when I was doing my own divorce is not to swamp with what may come across as little incidents to a judge but to choose the first, the last and the worst, ie when it started, the most recent incident and the worst incident. You can refer to the fact that there has been a series of ongoing issues without going into the "he said she said" of it all. Also, refer to yourself in the third person as the Petitioner (never me or myself) and him as Respondent.

And focus on keeping to facts and in particular any incidents of violence. Have you reported any incidents to the police or other authorities? If so put that in. Any witnesses?

Avoid stuff like "calculated to cause hurt" (or whatever) as that's subjective. Stick to the facts. Any judge will know that behaviour like this hurts feelings, there's no need to point that out.

Hope that helps. You can do this.

Thanks newyearoldme. I wasn’t sure if it should be specific examples or the more general statements. Nothing reported to the police. Just calls to the National Domestic Violence Helpline at the end of it all and now counselling support.

I’m also worried he will contest so in two minds whether to share the draft before submitting to try and avoid him contesting through court. He’s too angry for it to be amicable split unfortunately.

I'd be wary of sharing the draft if this is very hostile. He's already been violent towards you and his might trigger further incidents. It sounds as if he'll never agree to anything anyway. Once it's served on him he has a chance to respond through the court anyway. Maybe speak to someone at Citizens Advice Bureau who can advise on wording and/or out you in touch with divorce specialist to help further. Women's aid helpline should also be able to advise further.

It might be wise to get a solicitor anyway as if he will contest everything then for your sanity (and safety) having a representative helps to keep everything at arms length otherwise you'll have to deal with him directly each time and it'll be awful. Sometimes respondents in that situation also set out to deliberately make it hell anyway and if you're unrepresented then it often becomes a personal attack on you.

I seem to remember that although legal aid isn't generally available for divorce any more that it is if it is a domestic violence matter. I would therefore strongly recommend that you go and see a solicitor to discuss all this.

Let a solicitor see it. My solicitor wrote it as a general narrative even though I had given her a list of specific incidents.

Thanks. I was trying to keep costs down by self representing thinking I could just fill it in myself and file. He is taking me to court for a child arrangement order and I have legal aid for that I am just waiting for it all to go through so I can speak to the solicitor and take advice before court.

Newyearoldme I think you are right in that it will be hostile however I play it as he will just want to make life difficult.

Thanks oneapenny it’s hard to know what to write that suggests how crap the marriage was without inflaming the situation. I just want to tie up the finances etc but am a little scared of issuing it whilst we live under the same roof.

My only advise is get in there first with the divorce due to this being how they assign the cost for divorce. It won't be finalised till the kids order is sorted

I did my own for unreasonable behaviour. You need about 6 points. You need to included specific events. I think the keys in door one is a good example. (My ex did this too) try and keep emotive language out of it. You can only use specific dates examples from last 6 months.

I included things like I wasn’t allowed to socialise with him and his work friends leaving me isolated.

That he sat in kitchen on his phone away from me and wouldn’t communicate.

I went to solicitor to get general advice re finances etc and then filled it all in myself.

What is he taking you to court for? You don’t go straight to court anyway you have to mediate first, have you already done that?

I did show my exh the paperwork first so it wasn’t such a shock when it landed on his door step. I think it helped. But we both wanted the divorce.

We tried mediation and he didn’t want to continue so pulled out after the first session. He is taking me to court for shared care 50/50 equal time. He always said he’s he would as this is his rights too as a parent. I don’t disagree with shared care but I disagree with equal time. I will also be working 3 days a week and him 5 so im not sure it’s practical anyway. There is also a question of continued bf. I started a different thread about that on relationships.

Is it 6 months before we separated (September 17) or 6 months before I file for divorce? I want sure on that one.
Thanks for taking the time to respond x

I’ve made them less emotive and more factual. I think these fit more with advice on here (though I will just pick 4-6):

The Respondent has a bad temper which he has lost on numerous occasions.

The Respondent refused to talk at the dinner table whilst eating out on holiday in Dorset (5 September 2017).

The Respondent got upset and angry (on the 15 October 2017) when the Petitioner wanted to return a car seat to the Petitioners parents in the car.

The Respondent did not support the Petitioners intention to return to work after a period of maternity leave (November 2016).

The Respondent has consistently neglected to respect and value the Petitioners feelings and opinions.

The Respondent lost control of his temper after dinner with friends, under the influence of alcohol.

The Respondent is habitually and excessively critical of the Petitioner, commenting on her abilities to look after the house, becoming angry if the housework was not up to standard.

Maybe just the first sentence of the key example.

Six months separation. Not filing. Most courts will want to keep things as equal as possible so 50/50 is not unreasonable. He sounds like an arse.

I'm using an online divorce company and was told I didn't need to give specific occurrences, just along the lines of "The Respondent has a bad temper which he has lost on numerous occasions causing the Petitioner to be scared."

I’ve just found mine out. I’m generic on one of them but the other I give a generic ‘the respondent has displayed a lack of interest in affection towards the petitioner which has caused the petitioner to feel isolated and lonely’ then I say ‘by way of example’ and give a dated example. I filled mine in after one consultation with a solicitor who advised about including examples. Don’t punctuate it. Punctuation can change the meaning

In fact OP I included the key in the door example in mine. I opened it with the respondent was abusive towards petitioner and then I put by way of example etc etc

I deliberately down played my examples and was much less specific to reduce the risk of antagonising him. I can understand why you might prefer the opposite though I also did everything myself with no solicitors except for the consent order.

Thank you. He was and is an arse. Ive started counselling this week which feels like a god send. I feel like I have down played it in the second version but hopefully will not antagonise him into further rage. I will take out the punctuation and see if I can get legal advice on the wording and get it sent off.

My ex wanted to choose his own reasons why I was divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour.

Yeah he was a bit controlling lol!

Actually it was easier that way, he chose the most ridiculous reasons that made him sound like a misunderstood husband who worked too hard. He was happy because he sounded good, I was happy that I didn't have to get him to agree to my reasons.

Oh wow strawberryshortcake! That takes it to the next level.

Minime, dontknowwhatimdoinghere, ceirrno and newyearoldme were your divorces contested?

No nothing contested. We did our own consent order too. My current DP had less on his than mine when he got divorced and his wasn’t contested either.

What I typed it word for word what was on mine. Just use wording respondent and petitioner. No full stops or commas. Happy to DM you more of mine if it helps just let me know.

Thanks. He’s already said that any conversation about splitting assets etc needs to go through solicitors and he won’t discuss that with me to try and keep it simpler and costs down. I think I will just use the minimum of 4 and try and keep it as pain free as possible

The irony is there would be no extra cost and simpler if you could settle it all without solicitors and court. Stupid man.

No, he didn't contest it- which is why I downplayed everything. I kept everything sexual or about the children out of it and we careful how I worded things so that it would go through smoothly. I was also overly lenient financially- made no claim on his pension etc- to make sure he had nothing to argue about.

I filed n unreasonable behaviour and it was agreed that I would but down mild things.However when I took my list to my solicitor she asked for examples and I only had pretty horrific ones for most.She just write it all down and said that he would be advised by his solicitors not to contest but could say that he didn't agree to all the points.I was so relieved to get the decree nisi ,and the word untenable applied to our marriage was the one that gave me the resolve for the rest of it.