Do I go to court or not????

[Divorce18]

Sorry for long post... get wine/tea/cake ready!

So I’ve been separated from my husband for just over a year after him walking out at Christmas 2016 telling me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore because I wasn’t a good enough wife/mum and after 20 years together I was devastated as were our kids. Then found out that the real reason was he was having an affair.
So cut to now, he has dropped the kids as much as he’s dropped me only seeing them every other weekend ( although one day he is playing sport so leaves them with his girlfriend) and sometimes in the holidays but purely so he can go over the 52 nights a year so he pays less maintenance. He is currently earning a six figure sum but is happy to only pay the minimum the government say for child maintenance after counting in the 52 nights and that he now lives in a house with another child... so around £650 a month and doesn’t want to pay a penny more for anything.
So I married in my early 20’s and had kids straight away as that’s what he wanted and have never worked. I have however provided a house so no mortgage or rent for our time together and have raised our children who are now 11 and 14.
I can’t get a job that is going to pay the bills as I have no cv/references and need to take the kids to and from school (live in the middle of nowhere so no public transport) and need to drive them to their sports (both county) and inset days/holidays etc. I’m happy to work if I can find something that fits in but it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack!
So do I go to court to fight or let him keep his £5k a month and seriously struggle? I want to train to do something so I can support myself (ideas on a postcard please!) but I need to be there for my kids as they are an emotional wreck now realising their dad doesn’t give a 💩.

Well you’ll need a financial order as part of the divorce. It isn’t just about his earnings, you need to look at all assists - the house, pension etc.

I suggest seeing a lawyer and getting ball rolling on the divorce (if you have not done so already). They will be able to advise on what a fair settlement might be.

Don’t be passive - find out what options are open to you via the lawyer.

financial order is no longer part of the divorce. depending on you lawyer they may or not advise you in your best interests or you may or may not afford one so do as much research as possible, not just on forums but on things like spousal maintenance, your rights as a spouse, which are separate from your children maintenance. divorce, children and financial orders have to be applied for separately fut you can get help with fees through the court and that he pays the fee. in your situation, if you have no income look to apply for an urgent order of spousal maintenance if you are in hardship. You will probably have to go to mediation first but ask a lawyer (some offer 20-30 min free sessions) if you can skip if you're in urgent need of money. In a normal couple, start with half of everything, that includes future provisions such as future income and pension. Then you'll look at things like kids and where they live, your potential to earn , etc.
Email your ex and ask him for spousal maintenance (in addition to child maintenance), if he refuses you can go to mediation and court. Do not procrastinate, he may use it to say that you are in fact able to live without any help from him. and consult a lawyer asap regarding what steps you should take if you have no income as the normal process can take many months, even years.

£650 a month for 2 children? In terms of the child maintenance aspect that is a huge amount. You have an obligation to pay for them too.

I really don’t think it’d be worth it. If you’re struggling now, how will you afford a solicitor? Are you already divorced? Hopefully you can come to some arrangement that suits you both and is fair on yourself for being the main carer, do the dc enjoy overnight stays? If not stop them.

In terms of work, you could do care and one to one home care. You need no experience and they usually take anyone. Pay is usually around £9 an hour depending on location. Don’t give up hope. You will have many valuable skills even if you don’t realise it yet

£650 is a huge amount? It is £10 a day per child??? That is not a huge amount? and it is all relative.

Anyway yes go to court.

I have a solicitor who is costing a fortune (borrowing money from my mum to pay for it) she’s pretty useless as I started divorce proceedings last January! Although to be fair my ex has only just disclosed his finances after a court order! The downside is that he’s had a year to hide money (his dad is an accountant)
My solicitor seems to think that if I go to court I could end up better off but if the judge decides I should get a full time job to make ends meet then I may not...
My ex and I were together for 20 years, met at 18 and married for 15 of those years. We started a family when I was in my early 20’s on his suggestion and I’ve done all the donkey work supporting him to allow him to eventually work his way up to a very senior role earning him a six figure sum... all the birthdays and Christmas days he was on call and had to go into work were supported as well as all the ridiculous overtime.
Now he’s earning serious money he thinks he should just be able to start a new life leaving me with the kids (thankfully) and just pay the minimum he has to. He is not prepared to go halves on school trips or pay for anything that the children need on top. I have tried to get a job but I have to take the children to and from school and we have a family dog so trying to find something that fits in and pays enough for a dog walker/petrol/parking with no previous experience in anything is near impossible. I’m happy to do anything eg cleaning etc, but don’t think it’s fair that I don’t even get a quarter of his wage to provide for our children, pay for all their activities,food, clothes, uniform, shoes, things like mobiles etc and the bills .... meanwhile he is living it up with a sports car, flash holidays every few months etc.
Maybe I’m delusional but should he have his cake and eat it after behaving like such a ?!

Divorce 18 I think you deserve so much more than this. Every firm of solicitor will offer free 1/2 hour sessions but you will have to ask. None of them will volunteer it. If money is tight why don't you visit them all. Go armed with a list of questions. Armed with your new knowledge go back to your ex and ask for more. Being married for that length of time I think you would be entitled to half of his assets, that includes his pension and any savings and investments. Do you know much about his investments?

There's also a free calculator on line to work out how much your entitled to with regard to maintenance.www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance. There may be something similar with regard to spousal maintenance.

Hope that helps.

Thankyou for all your advice, so I figure that after 20 years together the kids deserve more than 1/3 of one year of his wages spread over 6 years so am prepared to go to court unless he comes up with a more realistic offer. X

Def go have that first solicitor meeting. Get recommendations of a good one. Judge looks at the whole situation, length of marriage and assets that came to and from marriage too. You have to both say what monthly/yearly earnings are.

You have to go to mediation before it goes to court anyway you can’t just go straight to court. Both of you have to pay for mediation.

You don’t have to legally have a financial order as part of divorce but it protects both parties in the future.

We’ve done mediation, it didn’t work as he just did what he wanted despite what was agreed in the sessions such as cutting my money, clearing and closing bank accounts etc. We have a court date imminently but I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that. He’s taken the children away this Easter without any consultation before hand and I have no idea exactly where they are or exactly when they’ll be back. He seems to think he can still walk all over me so maybe a judge can explain to him that he can’t.

You are in the eye of the storm right now. Stay strong and keep on going with the legal clarifications. I hope the judge kIcks him up the arse.

Don't forget that what you have is also taken into account, your house.

This sound like my husband . I have a court hearing too next month as his proposal was a joke . He wants me to rent for the next four years then when daughter is 18 with a lump sum plus my mothers money (ive not inherited anything as she is alive and well) buy something outright mortgage free. I am registered disabled and unable to work or contribute to mortgages payments while he lives it up lavish holidays and boozy brunches and spending sprees with is new OW.

I’m in court on Monday 😩 the house I live in isn’t mine it’s my mums and because of the current situation she’s not charging rent... however she is prone to being difficult so no guarantee that we can stay here forever rent free or at all... she’s already mentioned selling it.