Ex and phone contact/FaceTime

[lycheemartini]

How do people manage their children speaking to their non resident parent on phone or FaceTime?

My ex is a narcissist and abuser, he visits 8 year old dd once a week but is encouraging her to text him from my phone and wanting to FaceTime her whenever he desires it.

If FaceTime is arranged in advance he rarely answers.

My daughter is a very anxious, highly charged little girl and gets obsessed with waiting for responses, worrying that she needs to write back instantly.

I don't want her on my phone constantly for a multitude of reasons.

Things are hard enough here at home with her without having the intrusion of him making contact constantly.

As background he v frequently mucks her about with contact. Often not coming and always late etc. History of saying to me he won't bother seeing her again over smallest things.

Yesterday she saw him and came home saying that he said I am horrible, because she claimed to him that she wants to message and FaceTime every day and I 'won't let her'. He said to her 'what excuses does mummy make?' He said he will get her a phone so they can speak to each other whenever they like.

I have lost all objectivity/confidence in what to say over this as he twists everything and has no understanding of parenting or kids emotional needs - what do others do? Any advice? Thank you.....

My boys facetime their dad twice a week between a set timeslot unless its been prearranged for another time. They can if they wish speak on the phone to their dad at any time but its incredibly rare that this happens. None of this is court ordered but recommended by my solicitor as he was face timing every day which was far too much. Hes stuck with the rules but then hes not a narcissist.

Thanks Philippa. That's really helpful. That sounds perfect. How often do they see their father if you don't mind me asking?
How did you explain to him that it was was 'far too much'? I don't have the words to explain why that is, to someone who has barely (less than 10 occasions) ever even looked after a child, unsupervised. He thinks he should be able to FaceTime her every day - not that he does, he often goes long periods with no contact, but he definitely thinks he should have the 'right' to...

Oh sugar - wrong name. Not v good at this.....

Exh likes to FaceTime whenever he feels like it. I started to put an agreement in place with him for a set time/couple of days a week. He barely stuck to it and then gave DD her own iPhone so he could ring her anytime he liked rather than the restricted time on mine....
It drives me mad. He rings her every night, unless he has something better to do and then he’ll not bother with no explanation. Last night DD phone was switched off as I’d removed it due to bad behaviour. He text me and then rang me to ask why her phone was off. Like it was a crime yet when he doesn’t ring her we’re supposed to just accept it. Grrr.

I’m sorry op, i offered nothing useful to you there except to rant about my exh!

I also at one point had his number blocked apart from between 6.30pm-7pm for him to ring DD. I had to do that as his messaging and ringing was incessant. Show this to DD, what’s she doing, can I speak to her, DD tell Mam this.... he was also fond of getting DD to tickle me or whatever when they were FaceTiming. Nothing to do with sharing the story of their days, everything to do with annoying me.

What 'he' wants. What does your DD want? That's actually what matters more.

For me and ds, it’s once a week, usually after school, before bath time at some point. I see him once a week but soon to be going eow Friday pm to Sunday pm. Op your ex sounds a nightmare. I’m far from happy with my ex for splitting us up as a family, but i know how important it is for my son to present a calm, amicable atmosphere, and to stick to pre arranged times as stability is important after splitting up. I have quite a bit of resentment towards my ex, but letting my son see this is only bad for him imo.

Whatififall - Your ex sounds very much like mine. Just like that! Beyond infuriating.

My dd does want to message lots currently but she loves writing messages and emojis to anyone, not just him, and its linked to being glued to a screen, but it definitely causes her stress especially with him acting like a victim over it, and I know that set times would be better for her. I very much doubt he could stick to anything though as he refuses to stick to anything/has no boundaries whatsoever.

How can I justify set times, but not every day....?

Is your DD at school?
I started implementing set times when my DD started after school clubs as I found it easier to say “DD is at Brownies on a Monday and then at club on Wednesday and Friday so please ring on tues/thurs and Sunday. Also, we do homework and tea and bath stuff so ring between 6.30/7 and I’ll make sure she’s available to speak to you and not doing anything else”.

Of course, it lasted only a week before he would ‘forget’ what days she was at clubs or what time she had her bath. And he twisted it to say I was controlling, I admit I did try to take control of when he spoke to DD purely because of the anxiety it caused DD. If he rang early she’d worry, if he rang late she’d worry, if he text and she didn’t reply she’d get a phone call saying he’d text her and to read it. So by me trying to control I tried to help her.

I’m sorry I have no real advice lychee, just do what you think is best for you dd and hope it works!

Yes she is at school - he can never ever remember what time she finishes on the different days - and it's honestly just like that for my DD and for me.

I'm so angry at him calling me horrible, to her, for not letting her FaceTime. If I ever say not now, it's always for a good reason, and the amount of excuses I have to make for him, constantly.

I guess I just need to think what will suit dd best and insist on that...

Argh - posted in wrong name again!!!

op they see their dad every other weekend. As for the face times i told him that would he rather a 30 second miserable child saying hi and bye or a 10 minute chat with a child that wanted to talk, he backed down when i said that, and that what he was doing was also very intrusive.

I think I would just state "Her time with me is our time but as I will permit contact between x and y on this or this day but if you use it to bad mouth or x y z I will no longer permit it" send a copy of the letter/email to his solicitor?

Random - my ex's partner tries the first part of your sentence "..time with me is our time" when my DC spend time with her and their father. Only that's not how any decent person deals with contact. It is the child's contact with their parent and as they grow older flexibility is better. All my ex's partner is doing is ensuring that the DC don't like or respect her. Silly woman.

@greenlanes I hope your partners ex isn't a narcissist...

I co-parent very well with my ex, total flexibility and so but he wasn't abusive, controlling or a narcissist!

Hi random, that's the result isn't it? Co-operative co-parenting.

I am certain my ex is narcissist and abusive as he perceives that only his needs are a necessity. As for her? She enables his narcissistic behaviour but there is an additional spite to it. They are an unpleasant couple,