DD won't stay with her dad

[JudgeyJudy]

I am divorced and have two DDs - 11 and 8. They have gone to their Dad's most weekend over the last 5 years.
Over the last year, every Saturday night without fail, DD who's 8 has called crying saying she wants to come home. When she used to tell her dad, he would drop her or them home without warning. Now she calls to tell me because she is worried about hurting his feelings. She is often inconsolable. I don't know what to say. I want her to know she can always see me or come home if she needs to but I want her to stay with her to be comfortable staying at his house which she won't be if she always comes home.

DD who's 11 wants to come home too but doesn't ask. She often comes home too but sometimes stays with her.
Unfortunately my ExDH blames me for this so the problem is never addressed. He just drives them home seething with anger then calls to shout at me.
What should I do?

Have they told you what the reason is? We used to get this sometimes from my DSS, he’d say he wanted to go home if he couldn’t get his own way. DP always took him home if he asked but now he refuses. It turned out he had issues with my DD (same age) so we addressed this and things seem to be better although they’ll never be best friends but we can deal with it now.
I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it.

DD2 says she misses me.

DD1 says her dad is aggressive. He gets very moody and angry when things don't go his way.

(eg today he was supposed to be collecting them from school but his car broke down. He had to get a taxi but didn't want to. He grabbed DD1's phone forcibly to shout at me about it)
Also he doesn't put them to bed so they are often up until the early hours eating junk food and watching films they'd never be allowed to watch at home.

Do your DDs have to stay with their father? It sounds like they don't want to stay and ex is not overly keen to have them

Your ex sounds a very angry man........

Eating junk etc when at his is not your concern.

Unless they can give a solid reason as to why they don't want to go, then I'd still insist they did but maybe make it EOW.

My DS don't like going but l need the break and it's only because they don't have games consoles there so are "bored"

They don’t want to stay because he lets them stay up late watching films? I don’t believe that for a second!

An angry father puts the fear in his kids and that feeling rarely goes away.

@auntnelly I never said that staying up late and watching films were reasons they didn’t want to stay. I was trying to say that he isn’t hands on, they have no routine or boundaries and the structure and familiarity of my house maybe make them feel more secure.

@clemfandango I suspect you could be right. That is why I left!

Hahahaha indeed it was!

Your 8 year old is afraid of him. Your 11 year old is probably afraid of him too but is afraid to tell you.

Similar position here. DD(9) doesn't want to stay, DS(11) does sometimes. DD says his place is smelly and untidy and there's hairs all over the bathroom (🤢) . STBX is pushing for more time at his but I don't want to force the kids. We have no formal arrangement. He doesn't actually have room for them either, it's a very small one bedroom flat. Pants situation