50:50 care - his house is a mess & he feeds them junk

[littlepill]

I have quite a good relationship with my (previously incompetent ) ex husband but I am struggling with how he cares for our DCs and as a consequence find myself jumping in to take on more than half the care.

I could do with some advice & an offload. Some of it, I realise, is my ASD and also I have OCD traits.

If is worth mentioning, too, that he has retired from a high-earning profession and receives around 4 x my income. I work FT but have to be strategic because of my disabilities.

I was careful to help choose 2 houses of equal size & worth to make happy homes for DCs. They don’t mind his mess, but:

• he doesn’t open windows
• he cooks smelly, fried foods so kids’ clothes smell
• he continues to buy junk foods for the children. This forces me into creating shared meals so I can retain a bit of control over their diets, he continuously buys the following: Pot noodles, chicken Raiders/nuggets, Dominos at least once a week, bacon, economy tins of meat,
• he hoards
• he leaves dog stuff around
• basic hygiene: dishes not properly clean
• every ledge has piles of his stuff, kids find it hard to find things

Also (and partly why I instigated the split):

• he is forgetful
• his mobile is often not turned on/out of range
• he splits costs if he is paying for something but if I do, I tend to overlook. This is probably my call to set the boundary

• he still expects to take holidays with the DCs yet confessed to being overdrawn. He was always rubbish with finances but I am worried about how he will pay his half of upcoming university fees.

Generally, I am concerned for how our DCs are being raised when they are with him. He is not a bad person, but our standards are very, very different.

Did anyone else have the same? How do I deal with this?
Writing it down, maybe some is about my control issues and the OCD. I am seeing a counsellor but wonder if I need medication, or if it is him?

How old are your children?

I can see why you are concerned but you might have to see the bigger picture. If he is a good caring father who has time for his children then mess and a bit of junk food are not huge dangers.

You could see if your children can learn healthy cooking (how old are they?) so they can educate him in a way.

Mess is not for you but probably won't harm your kids.

DCs are 12 and 16

I think you need to learn to step away and leave them to it. If there is equity in his house he may have to take out a loan for university fees...

You need to massively detach. It's hard when his standards are so low eventually the DC may vote with their feet tbh.

I’m assuming your children are teens if your talking about them going to university in a few years. I am basing my responses on them being that age.

I mean this kindly but you need to step right back. If none of the issues noted bother them then it’s not your concern.
Re clothes smelling - I’m assuming he has a washer and if it’s true 50/50 then he or they wash clothes as needed. As teens they should be able to use a washing machine and if they don’t you need to show them.
If he’s not doing his share of laundry then you need to stop doing it and send dirty smelly clothes back with instructions to wash them.

Re the food. If it’s not bothering them then it’s not your concern. Yes it’s not ideal but if your providing healthy food when they are with you then that’s the best you can do. If they don’t like it then they need to go with him to the supermarket and make sure he buys food they like.
Stop proving shared meals immediately it’s not your responsibility.

Stop financially subsidising him too.

It seems to me you are trying to compensate for him - let go it’s not your responsibility anymore.

Re his memory/phone again his responsibility and if he forgets events etc he has to manage consequences. If he doesn’t answer phone then that’s up to him also / just make sure dc have phones so you can contact them.

Living in clutter and mess - that’s up to him too. If dc don’t like it they need to raise it with him, look after their important possessions, tidy up themselves or if it’s that unpleasant reduce the amount of time they spend there. If it doesn’t bother them then it shouldn’t bother you.

Holidays - if he wants to take dc on holiday that’s up to him to plan and finance. If he wants to come with you - that’s just a plain no.

University funding- very few parents pay their dc uni fees and most students get loans it’s not an issue these days so don’t worry about it.
However he will be expected to support them but that will be assessed nearer the time and by then they will be adults so it will be for them to deal with him and it won’t be your responsibility.

Thank you for replies. This is massively helpful, and I need to hear it from someone.

FruHagen Yes, "see the bigger picture" needs to be my focus now. Yes, true, better that he is a good and caring father. Will repeat this.

I was thinking that at least this has made me teach the children how to do things for themselves a bit more: laundry, cleaning... ditto the cooking. When we are all together I try to reinforce good food choices: e.g. I showed ex the other day how I buy these seed mixes instead of Clubs or Breakaways for the son, and he enjoys them. I can only go so far without sounding patronising and critical...

RandomMess Yes, this is exactly it - learning to detach.
I hadn't thought about that re. equity in his house. Maybe he will have other projects by then, too. Maybe I am worrying unnecessarily. Counsellor said the same - hang on in there and the DCs will vote with their feet

Berthatydfil Thank you, very helpful points. Yes, I do need to learn to step back, and to stop caring for him so much. AT the weekend I was buying the DCs something to eat at his house and I got some for him, too. I should stop doing this.

He is doing his share of laundry but the smells are lingering food ones. I guess the DCs will learn if it causes concern to them . Some of it may be my issues. One child was wearing a dirty (food stains) jumper on Saturday and I suggested to son he change it. Ex heard and nodded in agreement. When they returned on Sunday, he was wearing the same again, so I ended up washing it myself - this is on a weekend when he was supposed to be caring for them. He agreed that the DCs need to wear clean clothes.

Yes, I need to stop so many shared meals. I think a lot of this is about the demarcation between when he has them , and when I have them. As you say, I need to stop taking responsibility for him...

I had forgotten about student loans, etc.

Thank you for advice. We are adapting...

I think you need to step back.

My parents were divorced and although we didn't have shared care there were clear differences between the two houses (though in the other direction - mum not a keen cook and worked ft so house pretty messy, stepmum a clean freak and always cooking).

We got used to nice meals and basically started cooking at home ourselves. My sister and I are really good cooks now because we started cooking for mum and dsis 3 from the age of about 12. Starting with simple things but soon moving up to better stuff. We went to the corner shop if there wasn't any food in (there never was!).

At 12 &16 your DCs are more than able to do this. The fact that they don't suggests they are not bothered. Ditto clothes - if they don't want to wear smelly clothes they can bung them in the washing machine. But it seems they are not bothered. If they are not bothered, you should not be bothered.

Of course it's nice to think they are getting their five fruit and veg a day and eating proper meals three times a day every day. But it's more important to know that they love their dad and he loves them.

Hey thanks, Backingvocals it helps to hear from someone who has been on the receiving end of this. Your post inspired me to think of it as a good thing: they have an obsessively clean home, and a messy one. Has to help them adapt, right?! Similar with the cooking, like your example...One DC is doing cookery club at school and is inspired in the way your describe in his house, so maybe there are a few things like that going on already. Yes, they don't seem all that bothered. Very difficult to know how much is my OCD and how much I need to be concerned. Sounds like it will be ok, he does do a lot with them and is very involved.

Thanks!