50/50 custody - missing my son

[user1475842882]

Hello,

Just wondered if anyone has any advice to get you through the heartache of divorce - we separated Nov last year and I've moved out, we have a 2 year old DS who seems to be coping well with all the change but I'm not. I've been there every single day of his life and now his dad and I have a 50/50 custody arrangement.

Giving him over for a few days breaks my heart, especially when he's ill. He cries and holds on to me and I walk out to my car in pieces, from trying to keep a smile and positivity to help him transition to going to his dads. Once he's there and I've left he's fine. He's not like that when his dad brings him back, he runs into my house.

I constantly miss him and worry about him and as much as I know the separation was completely the right thing for all of us, I can't bear being apart from my baby. I feel guilty that I'm not there for him 24/7 like I used to be.

Does it get easier?

I hear you. One month ahead of you; same emotions. My boys are older but it is tough here too. For me it was the fact that it was a curve ball I didn't see coming at all. Keep posting i think it helps.

Honestly, at 2 I think 50/50 is too much.
Which of you was the primary carer when you were together?

Shorter bursts of more frequent contact works better for tiny ones, IMO.

My son is nearly 5 now, been split since he was 6 months old.

He does every other weekend with exH fri - Sunday.

He struggles with being away from home and I miss him loads but it does get easier and now I look forward to a quiet weekend but if it’s totally shared care does he have a main base??

I’m not saying the primary residence should necessarily be with mum by the way...

It’s so hard Op, it’s hard to know what to do for the best but he is so tiny still

I've had 50/50 since myself my vile exp split. It is hard. It got easier in a way, I started to enjoy the "me" time but it's since got harder, the realisation that it will always be this way, that I will miss so much.

My ex has now lied and got himself a prohibited steps order, so I haven't seen them now since 7th Feb and counting. I have never felt pain like it. So I really do understand how you feel x

Thanks for your replies. I'd argue when we were together I was the main carer, I took a years mat leave and went back to work part time to look after DS. My ex was always full time. He was hands on but I did the majority of the child care stuff (which I happily did).

The thing is he's very controlling and he'd never agree to anything less than 50/50. I'd love to have DS mainly at mine as a base but my ex has stayed in the marital home (it was his mortgage, he would never put me on it although I paid half of it - that's a whole other story) so he argues that's DS's main base but I've rented a lovely house which DS and I are very happy in. We both work essentially full time now on opposite days (I have to so I can afford my rent) so it's difficult.

I feel so angry at my ex - the split was my decision due to the controlling and other stuff but he's still pulling all the strings and I have no say. I feel angry that I've lost the future family unit I dreamed of for DS and that for half of his life essentially I won't see him. It's heart breaking.

to you. That sounds very tough. Sounds like you absolutely dodged a bullet getting away from your ex, well done. Things will settle down and get easier I'm sure. Is the 50/50 split court mandated or just agreed? Is it worth getting legal advice?

Sounds tough. Don’t let him pull the wool over your eyes about the house it doesn’t matter that you aren’t on the mortgage it is a marital asset. Get a good lawyer for the divorce and financial settlement.

Married? If so please get legal advice.

You don’t have to agree to this. Consider seeing a lawyer. He just doesn’t want to pay maintenance!

Were you married?

Hi also sharing your pain. My DH announced he was having an affair and didnt want me anymore. He stayed in the house and kept our child for 4 agonising days with only 1 hours contact for me which I virtually cried throughout. He stood behind my child and pulled faces and told me to pull myself together we had to be friends for the sake of our child. We 50/50 as he has always been involved but moreso since his business has been failing and I have had to take on more hours at work. I miss our child terribly and feel it has been handled badly by my OH who compounded the betrayal with this loss of my child. Forever getting a lecture about needing to be a grown up.

I too reckon 50/50 shared care is too much for a 2 year old. Is it a court order or a decision amongst yourselves? If it’s the latter I’d see a solicitor and see to getting it changed and soon.
I have a 2 year old and could not imagine only seeing him 50% of the time. My children spend every other weekend with their father and for 1 night only. My 2 yr old has huge separation anxiety which I feel heightens when they spend prolonged time with their father in the holidays. My ex left before he was born so has only ever known it to be me and he is away with work a lot.
I feel your pain and hope you can stand up to your controlling ex for the sake of your child x

It will get better with time. It feels absolutely miserable for the first months, but as long as you know your child is safe and loved while in the care of the other parent you will be ok.

IMO the important thing is to keep the lines of communication with your ex open so you can pass relevant info to each other about what is going on with your son and work together on fulfilling his needs. As long as you are working as a team, the three of you will be fine (I know, however, that this may be very difficult to achieve with a controlling man)

No advice but sorry you are having a tough time

Sorry for not replying to be honest I've been a bit of a crying mess - I can't walk by the baby aisle in the supermarket without a lump in my throat.

I have got a solicitor and she's brilliant but so far I've been agreeing to the 50/50 split because I don't have a choice (I have to work the hours I do) and trying to keep things amicable.

I'm thinking of getting a new job (which is hard as it's not just a job it's my career) but I'd give up anything for more time with my baby.

I just need to find a way to enjoy the time I do have with him as I'm always counting down miserable for when I have to take him back.

My husband walked out a year ago, he to wanted 50/50, but kept on changing his mind he also kept on letting the kids down. He took me to court, my two children were 3 and 4 at the time, my solicitor does not believe that 50/50 is is right for such young children (its not a critazisum for anyone who does btw) i also agreed with her. Its believed that often but little is the best way and its certainly worked for my children.

My stbxh is very controlling and manipulative so 50/50 also would not have worked for that reason, as he wont communicate anything with me , so there's no consistency with the children. I was advised to keep a diary about anything significant, eg if children wet etc etc. Also if you dont believe its correct for your child don't let it continue as your setting a precedence and this could go against you in court.
Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat more. Please dont feel as if you have to go with 50/50 because your both the parents, the courts main interest is the child, even if one parent sees the child less than the other.

I am sorry you are struggling. I will soon have to face the reality of my kids going with their dad eow and that is killing me. So can only imagine how you are feeling

I can only surmise that it gets easier. He has had the kids one weekend day so far as has no place of his own.

I am planning on a lot of decorating and keeping my self busy and going out with friends. It is hard to adjust and I don't like it at all but have to remember this is what is best for the kids. Sadly that means him too.

I hope Find a solution and adjust quickly.

Sorry, I realise that this has been over a year, but I’m in a very similar position and was wondering how you are doing now?

My ex is very controlling. He has our two year old for 50/50 schedule. But when he has our son he communicates nothing. Won’t tell me about activities, meals, sleep or developments. Won’t even reply to my messages. He’s even started toilet training him without telling me and now our son is confused.

I’ve attended mediation, he has been requested to too. But has ignored. I’m now going to go to court. I wanted to be able to co-parent, but it is impossible with someone who refuses to communicate.

I’d love to hear from you about how things are now

@QuiteLikely5 - I assume you know the OP's ex?

Otherwise, it seems a bit of a leap to assume that he only wants 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance. Dads love their kids too, you know! This Mumsnet trope that dads only seek 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance gets rather tiresome.

Op - I'm sorry you're finding it so hard. I'm three years into a 50/50 arrangement, and it's natural to miss them when they're away. My advice would be to fill your time when they aren't with you with lots of activities that you love. Could be anything (for me, it's hiking in the mountains with friends), but find things that you're passionate about, and try to view the time when your kids are away as an opportunity to pursue those passions.

Since your son is fine when he is actually with his dad, I don't think the crying at the point of separation from you would be sufficient grounds for changing the arrangements you have. It's pretty natural for a child of that age to find the actual point of separation hard, but then be fine immediately afterwards (it's the same thing that happens when you drop them at nursery or the early days of school. And few people would argue that 5 mins of tears of drop off time is enough to outweigh the benefits of nursery or school). And there's ample evidence out there that plenty of time with both parents is in the best interests of the child at all ages, because it ensures that both of those bonds stay strong. That's heavily associated with much more positive life outcomes. So definitely worth reminding yourself that you're doing the right thing for your child whenever you're finding it hard.

Oh hell - just realised it's an old thread