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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Children telling me to leave partner

25 replies

Lollypops20181 · 03/03/2018 14:06

I've been an emotionally abusive relationship for about a decade. The hell I've been through has caused me the most awful anxiety and depression.

My husband started on me again this week, ebbing away at me, everything wrong in his life is obviously my fault, I'm fat, I'm a bore, I only talk about work, I don't do anything fun....

Frankly I'm sick of it and my children said to get out of the relationship because they cannot bear to see me so hurt and upset anymore. They think I'm stupid to keep forgiving him. I do too and I don't forgive him (really forgive, I actually despise the bastard) but it's easier to work things out for a few weeks and because in honesty I'm afraid of what he will do to me. He has been violent in the past.

I have no one to turn to because I've lost all my friends because he basically made it super difficult for me to see them.

I'm literally crying writing this. I have no motivation to do anything.

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 03/03/2018 14:08

You need to get out of this relationship. Others on here will point you in the direction of how to get help.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/03/2018 14:09

I agree with your children. I would really hate to see my mum in a situation like this.

What is your financial situation? Do you own or rent your home? Do you work?

Aprilmightmemynewname · 03/03/2018 14:11

You are risking your dc mental health and respect for you by staying. Lean on them for supper until you are strong enough to support your family again.

PixieCutRegret · 03/03/2018 14:11

Would you be able to stay with one of your children OP? I know if my mum wanted to leave her arsehole husband I would put her up in a heartbeat, even if it meant her sleeping on in her sofa. You need to get out by any means necessary. I'm so sorry your going through this

babyfreenight1 · 03/03/2018 14:13

Hi op

You seem like your in a situation in which you want to leave but at the same time aren't motivated enough to do it. What I would advise because you are unsure is to at least make some basic plans just for yourself.

Some examples

Call women's aid and just have an anonymous chat about how you feel and express your concerns with an experienced person
Research your financial situation and just make notes on what you can do etc.
Have a good long chat with your children and gain their understanding about your situation.

Small steps which might in time help your motivate yourself to leave. It's not hopeless, many other women have done this and you can to.

What age are your dc.

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 03/03/2018 14:20

The children are 13&15.

I'm in absolute turmoil, they want him gone. He is equally as nasty to them. One of us will always be the enemy.

I work FT and have a great job. husband doesn't work and hasn't in 15 years or more.

He literally flits from being the nicest to most evil bastard you can meet. It's so manipulative and the children keep telling me too. They say the one thing that irritates them most is that I keep forgiving him. I'm desperate to leave. My only problem is the bastard has destroyed me emotionally and financially. He got me into so much debt.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/03/2018 14:25

Well, it's awful you're in debt but if you stay with him you'll be in even more debt.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/03/2018 14:25

How do you think your children feel, living with him? Surely you can't continue to do that to them?

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 03/03/2018 14:30

I know they hate living with him. I am trying to get advice to get out of here safely with my children.

Why do I feel so responsible for him? Like being responsible for a child.

OP posts:

Dvg · 03/03/2018 14:36

tbh think it's unfair on your kids. you don't seem to be doing enough to save yourself. you could easily call up some charities asking to be protected. or just move out with minimal stuff and never look back, don't disclose where your going and he wont find you...i personally feel like maybe your just self sabotaging yourself. You shouldn't need advice firstly there's google with hundreds of articles secondly ... there's charities.

thethoughtfox · 03/03/2018 14:53

You have no motivation? Yes you do: your children.

Holland00 · 03/03/2018 15:04

You feel like that because you've been manipulated and conditioned to feel like that.

The fact you've posted This, suggests to me your ready to leave.

I made that choice with 4 children, no job and mentally broken down.
Seeing my daughter crying and pleading with her dad not to hurt me, as he yet agsin became violent,gave me the strength I needed.

I moved house, got a job and am less stressed than I have been in years, the whole household is.

Contact womens aid, there is a lot of support out there for women in
your position.

Branleuse · 03/03/2018 15:09

call womens aid x

Dragongirl10 · 03/03/2018 15:14

Whilst l feel very sorry for your situation Op and no one deserves to live like you have....

WHY are you not listening to your poor children???

WHY are you keeping them in an abusive situation???

YOU have a choice difficult as it may be, they have none.

You have a full time job.....get advice on how to do it from Womans Aid and posters here and GO, or your children will possibly hold it against you for ever.

Perendinate · 03/03/2018 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frutti · 03/03/2018 15:41

At 30 I am so angry at my mum for staying with my dad. Imagine your dd’s cutting you out in the future because you refused to hear them.
Your motivation should be your girls. My mums 35th wedding anniversary this year. She’s still ‘stupid’ ‘dumb’ ‘why would you do that’ woman at home.

I can only read this post feeling sad there are other mothers like mine. Putting themselves before their dd’s. Debt is awful but your dd matter more. My mum had no job as well and no education and I’m still angry. I’d rather have grown up chasing hostels than in a house of emotional abuse and violence.

I have diaries from 15 years old saying I wish my dad would get away from us.
Get out or force your dd into a lifetime of potential poor relationship choices and resentment for you. Think of them and then think of yourself. Maybe contact some old friends and tell them why you are in the state you’re in. Some might forgive you.

frutti · 03/03/2018 15:44

Ps i also think you have been brave admitting your dd are upset about the situation. It’s a good step forward.
I am planning to cut my mum off this year. We row all the time about her not leaving him. She used to say it’s for the kids. Now she’s running out of excuses.
It’s still very upsetting for me but more so that I have my own dd. I could never leave her in this situation. Please think about the choices you have. It’s never too late to get it of this.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 03/03/2018 15:45

My exh left me with debt, I rang all the companies and explained, they allowed me to pay what I could afford - took 2 years but I don't feel so stressed about it after being honest. They won't make you sell a kidney to pay - they are reasonable.

PandaPieForTea · 03/03/2018 15:48

Staying with him isn't going to improve the debt as he doesn’t work. You need to get rid of him for the sake of your children.

BewareOfDragons · 03/03/2018 15:50

You do understand that if you don't do this, your children may up and walk away as soon as they can. Not just from them, but from you, too. You have kept them in this terrible, terrible situation. They are being abused, too. And there you sit. With him. And them.

Call Women's Aid. Tell them you need help getting out. Tell them about your situation. Tell them about your children. Get out of there.

RubberJohnny · 03/03/2018 15:50

I asked my mum to leave my step father ( and he was in no way as bad as your dh) I am pretty fucked up. Just about to get a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.
Please, please, find the strength from somewhere so your kids aren't left like me. I'm angry with my mum for not doing anything. The fact she says now that she didn't realise how bad it was is just bull shit.

RubberJohnny · 03/03/2018 15:52

And to echo what @BewareofDragons says above, I am not talking to my mum. Because she got funny over my behaviour and tried to tell me what to do. ( more in depth than that obviously but why the fuck should I listen to her?)

MrsBertBibby · 03/03/2018 17:50

You need to see a solicitor. They will advise on how to get out, bearing in mind your housing situation etc.

You won't be in any less debt by waiting.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 03/03/2018 20:23

My ds is still having therapy ten years after I left...

MyBoysAndI · 04/03/2018 13:28

So what are you going to do OP?

Stay there and make yourself and your children miserable. Exposing them to violence and negativity which will impact them for the rest of their lives ( sorry to say OP but if l was one of your children l would hugely resent you as l grew)

Take action and start making plans to leave?

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