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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband left but wants contact in the family home

25 replies

MINKY75 · 27/02/2018 16:14

Long story short...husband had a breakdown and left. Underwent a complete personality change and decided never to come home, instead to live in a bedsit and withdraw from friends/social media (and I'm apparently to blame). He's said some horrible things about me and has completely refused to undertake any kind of mediation. He left the week before xmas, stated two weeks ago that he didn't want to be married anymore and this week has a new place, all bills etc placed in my name (I'm the breadwinner) and no communication except in regards to our children. I'm dealing with this sudden change in circumstance, his hatefulness towards me and also trying to factor in how to manage a household around a hugely demanding job. As his new accommodation is unsuitable, he has asked if he can see the children at the family home. This means being here when I am not, cooking for the children etc. I am nowhere near able to be civil to him and to add insult to injury he is leaving dishes, full bins, towels on the floor etc. As his parents live just around the corner I have suggested that contact happens at their house instead but they have said they are unwilling to do this as the children need 'normalcy' at this time. Can I ask if anyone else is in this situation and how you manage it? Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

MINKY75 · 27/02/2018 16:16

Just an edit...meant that all bills for the family home now in my name, not his new accomodation!

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 27/02/2018 16:16

No, he wanted out so he can stay out.

Rubyslippers7780 · 27/02/2018 16:19

Agree. He needs to sort this out. His choice to leave. Not his house anymore. He does not get to dictate and decide everything.

Inretreat · 27/02/2018 16:19

No chance would I agree to that. You've tried it, he's not respecting your home. He can take them out or to his parents. All you have to do is offer contact, where that takes place is not your problem.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2018 16:20

Can he take them out for contact? Who owns the house? Is he working?

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/02/2018 16:21

Of course not! That’s not how it works and he knows it.

Myunicornfliessideways · 27/02/2018 16:22

You will obviously find this highly stressful, and there's no reason you should have to do this. The children will cope fine with contact at GPs house - the fact their parents have separated and things are now different is their reality, and it won't help them for things to 'carry on as normal' or to pick up on your stress from ex being an arse while he's in the house. It's also not helpful to you or ex. If the relationship is over then it's no longer his home, any dynamic that keeps you and the kids in stasis for him to come in and be Daddy and then head off again to his new life isn't a good one. (And for some exes would be about keeping tabs/control). His contact time now happens in his spaces.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 27/02/2018 16:24

Things aren't normal. He chose that. Coupled with the lack of respect around the house, treating you like a skivvy, I'd be insistent that another solution was needed.

Legal advice though!

TheMerryWidow1 · 27/02/2018 16:25

you poor thing that's awful. If he can't behave in your home then that's it, you aren't his general dog's body. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility for his children and that means providing a nice place for them to visit, he can relinquish everything. Keep strong.

sirlee66 · 27/02/2018 16:29

He wants normalsy for the children but him coming to your house for contact wouldn't be normal at all. Quite the opposite and very confusing for the children. The tension created from him being there would not be good for them.

Contact at the grandparents sounds much better.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/02/2018 16:31

No it’s not normal. He’s made his bed and decided to live separately from his kids now he needs to lie in it!

I would tell him that from a certain date and time you want a contact schedule in place and that it must be outwith the home.

By coming to your home he is trying to make it your issue that he has nowhere to take them - well guess what it’s not your issue it’s his problem and he gave up your support when he left you in the lurch!

Stand firm

FogCutter · 27/02/2018 16:38

Absolutely no way would I be letting him use the house for contact with the kids. He left the family home.

He needs to find somewhere neutral to have them like his flat, his parents or a trip out to eg soft play (depending on age of kids).

SunshineAfterRain · 27/02/2018 16:44

I would not agree to that. He has chose for you to have separate lives and that's what should be done.
It seems slightly controlling that he wants his own life but he still wants to swan around you home like it's his also.
He is no longer part of YOUR household so it is up to him to maerrangement for where he can ensure contact takes place.
His parents house was a reasonable sugetion.
If worst comes to worse that is why there are contact centres.

Mitzimaybe · 27/02/2018 16:47

You didn't say an outright no, you tried it. It didn't work. You can say no with a clear conscience.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/02/2018 16:47

No way. He can take them to the park or take them to his parents' but he does not fuck up your house. No way.

FreckledLeopard · 27/02/2018 16:47

How old are the children? If you're still married and I assume that his name is on the deeds of the family home, then you have no right to prevent him from being there. It's his house as well as yours. It may be that it's better for contact to take place elsewhere, but fundamentally, bar abuse, you can't stop him from being in the family home if he also owns it.

Myunicornfliessideways · 27/02/2018 17:01

Hopefully someone with the legal knowledge will chip in, but I think there's a difference between 'can't make them leave if they choose to stay living in the house' and 'can't change the locks/prevent access to the house' and the OP having the right to say no, I don't agree to you having the children's contact time here.

I seem to remember from another poster, if the ex had moved out and was living elsewhere he could of course make appointments to come and get his stuff/ do things to the house they were getting ready to sell etc, but he couldn't float in and out at will. She had a right to a private home and life as well as him.

thethoughtfox · 27/02/2018 17:17

He needs to take them out and actually engage with them. I bet the time in your house id spent eating your food and using screens for at least some of the time.

IceBearRocks · 27/02/2018 17:42

So when he is having contact do you get to go to his new home???

crimsonlake · 27/02/2018 17:48

I cannot understand why your name is on the bills etc for his new accommodation? Regardless of you being the breadwinner up til now he needs to find work and maximise his income. You are not responsible for him so get your name removed off everything asap.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2018 17:56

crimsonlake op corrected later in thread to say she means for the family home

CPtart · 27/02/2018 18:57

He needs to sort suitable accommodation in which to see them then doesn't he? Not your problem. Is he planning never to have them overnight? 'Normalcy' doesn't involve him swanning in and out of their lives on an ad hoc basis. Closer to 'normalcy' would be him taking responsibility for them half the week, he being one of two parents. Frighten him with that one.

Original poster

MINKY75 · 27/02/2018 20:27

Thanks all. Great support as always. I think his parents feel that if he spends time here he will realise what he's lost but in the meantime we're all suffering. Now that he's gone this needs to be my safe space and it can't be while he is coming and going as he pleases.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 28/02/2018 23:23

Not a chance would I allow that!

serena5610 · 03/03/2018 03:40

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