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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex moving round the corner - really stressed

11 replies

Rioja1 · 23/02/2018 10:45

Quick potted history, 2 years into a messy divorce not at all amicable. Just found out that my ex, his girlfriend and 5 month old baby are moving into a house literally 5 min up the road from myself and our two boys (7 & 8)

His point will of course be that it's better for the boys that he's close, but for me it feels like my privacy has been invaded and I'm going to have to manage the boys expectations that they can pop round whenever they want, which is not the situation here as it's not happy families. Sad

My other worry is that they'll just want to up sticks and move there instead as what difference it's only 5 min up the road...Hmm

Has anyone gone through similar as I'm so anxious about it all and what it could mean?

OP posts:
InaConfusedState · 23/02/2018 10:53

It sounds like it could be stressful for you. Is your ex likely to change his behaviour at all if you lay out your concerns to him?

If not, then you need to find a way to manage your reactions.

If you think it’s going to be hard, your adrenaline will be pumping. So think about scenarios and how you can react serenely - eg you bump into them in the park, you could just wave and smile, or maybe enquire about the baby, say you’ve got a few emails to send and go and sit somewhere with your phone. It would be helpful to discuss coping strategies with a counsellor so you are prepared.

InaConfusedState · 23/02/2018 10:56

If he’s moving anyway, there is honestly no point in discussing/arguing with him. It won’t change the outcome - he will still move- but it will worsen an already bad relationship.

You need to detach detach detach, never discuss things that you know he won’t be reasonable on (apart from DC safety) and work on how you give him the impression that you are calm and serene and couldn’t give a flying fuck what he’s up to. To do this is hard!

Original poster
Rioja1 · 23/02/2018 10:57

I think I can handle my own reactions as/if/when I bump into them but it's more managing the boys as I don't want them to think we have a 'Coronation Street' mentality as that is not our situation. He has chosen to live close and I really don't understand why or why in fact his girlfriend would want to.

The only think that has held me up through the divorce situation so far is having my own space and now it feels that has also been taken away Shock

OP posts:
pigsflybackinfeb · 23/02/2018 11:00

My ex lives 5 mins away and I never see or bump into him.

0ccamsRazor · 23/02/2018 11:03

Oh Rio I feel for you Sad

there isn't anything you can do but be outwardly calm as you can. Don't get drawn into things and be untouchable emotion wise.

Flowers
Original poster
Rioja1 · 23/02/2018 11:04

That's reassuring - how do you handle access arrangements with kids?

OP posts:
InaConfusedState · 23/02/2018 11:04

Managing the boys expectations will be tricky. I wish I had advice on that. Maybe start off on the assumption they won’t go knowing on dad’s door/your door when they are with other parent? If your ex is not on the same road as you, they might not even realise how close it is and that they could wander over there.

Original poster
Rioja1 · 23/02/2018 11:12

They def know where it is and how they could walk there although obv they're not the age where they could do that on their own. When that happens it will obv be slightly more out of my control.

My youngest said 'if we're not doing anything at the weekend we could just pop to daddy's' so it's helping them understand that this is a move and only a move not a complete change of routine, without looking like the evil parent. I have contacted my ex about helping me with this but because he's 'Uncle Daddy' and racked with guilt he won't want to upset them and will alway say yes rather than be sensitive to the situation he's put us in.

OP posts:
InaConfusedState · 23/02/2018 11:30

Ah - I have opposite issue of my DC moaning about going to ex. I’ve found that if I get into a debate it’s worse for DC. You could try being very matter of fact and saying it’s a weekend here and try to distract them. I wouldn’t indicate that it’s even possible for you to phone dad and ask, then there is no chance of your DC even realising ex will say yes. You won’t look like the evil parent, but the sensible one.

Original poster
Rioja1 · 23/02/2018 11:49

That's good advice thanks - luckily ex has never called on phone although I've always let them call him on the rare occasions they have asked to do so. It's more them thinking they can nip by but I'll just have to reiterate he works all week etc and 'you'll see daddy on..... same as always' etc

Just so frustrated I've been put in this position, we don't live in a village we're in London he didn't have to move to the next bloody road Blush

OP posts:
serena5610 · 03/03/2018 03:26

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