I'm absolutely SHATTERED. I do not know what to think or do anymore. I need an outside perspective, please be kind. My heart can't take much more.
My husband and I've been married for 6 years, friends for 15+ years. I have a son from a previous relationship (15yrs old) and two sons with my current husband (2 yrs (B3). & 6yrs (B2)).
After having B2 our relationship took strain, I was sleep deprived and our LO was extremely sick. In and out of hospital for the first 4 months of his life. Hubby hardly helped me with any feedings and crying sessions etc. It caused fights...I was exhausted. But I compromised and our relationship settled as B2 got older. Life went back to normal.
Hubby then wanted to try for another baby. Honestly, I was not too fond of the idea as 3 kids are not only a handful but expensive. AND I was worried about how I would cope AGAIN. But he promised high and low that he would help...well...you know how this sentence ends. Funny how they cannot hear a hysterical baby at 2am. So we ended up having another little boy (B3), What a gem, but things between husband and I never really settled post B3's birth. Things just got worse.
He has been emotionally distant for months now. I kept on asking what I can do to help, is something wrong? He just shrugged it off. I thought it was work and continuously reassured him that I would support him no matter what. What can I do to help etc. Last week he told me he was moving out. That he can't do this anymore. "Do what"... well it comes down to me. I'm the problem, I'm breaking his personality, I'm inconsiderate, I'm selfish etc. Basically said he can't even look at me anymore, there is nothing. SHATTERED - SHATTERED - SHATTERED. The pain, I've never cried like that before. Because he is leaving me or of the insults...think a good combination. I've not been able to concentrate at work. Child visitation schedules and budgets being emailed backward and forward.
Then suddenly he arrives at my office. He wants to talk, hear if we can work on "us". He wants to talk now as he has to pay the deposit for the flat he will be moving into...if I do not agree to work it out. ummmm....did I initiate this separation? Noooo, so why put everyone through this emotional shipwreck and then run back because you had second thoughts?? Or maybe I'm just over reacting again. Anyway, I did not say any of the above to him. Proud of myself for keeping my YAP shut.
So I agreed to work on us...what else could I do....I love him dearly, he is my best friend and I should not give up - right? We raised our issues with each other and agreed on a plan, He made it clear that he could not live without me and the kids. That we are his life, his world.
today 19/02 - Yet he is still distant, emotionally unavailable, no physical contact (not even holding my hand) and not really talking to me. I asked him if he changed his mind as I've noticed. He said his heart is in "pain" and that he was adamant to move out, so it will take him some time to adapt to everything and for the pain to heal. But that has not given up on us...
so tell me...what do you think is going on here?? I'm so confused. I continuously hear what a bad person/ wife I am. And believe me, I can get verbal too. I've always felt it is my right to defend myself, to ask for help and to get upset when he doesn't want to help. Why do I have to beg in the first place when you can see I'm struggling. He is not interested in counselling, which means these issues will keep on repeating itself until we destroy each other...if not already. I work fulltime, do everything for the kids, arrange everything for schools, wash, clean and cook. I can only do so much...
So back story: I had a difficult childhood, which made me "hard". I do not yes and amen to any man. I voice my opinions and yes, this gets me into trouble. I don't always know when to keep my mouth shut. But something happened where I think I totally lost RESPECT for my husband...we had a fight about something small again. Things got out of hand and he head-butted me...on the nose...and broke it. Now before you comment and say "this is where you had to leave" I have to tell you that he is a gentle person and I had pushed him to the limit. Of course not acceptable, but it takes two. I've forgiven him and we moved past it. Never to be mentioned again. BUT ever since that day, I do not think twice to tell him where to get off. Or swear at him when he swears at me. Total lack of respect for each other.
Does this sound like the end? My kids are going to be devastated, but why am I thinking it would be better to struggle financially than living like this. I love him more than I can express, but I don't want to hurt him more than I already have.
So sorry for the long post, please if you have any questions you need answers to in order to guide me - go ahead! I'm open to approach!