Hello,
I feel compelled to ask for other opinions on my situation. I’m sure regulars here have read such posts hundreds of times before, but if I may I’d like to add one more. I’d appreciate any constructive advice or criticism.
I’m stuck in ambivalence over what to do in my marriage. Been married for 3 years to my wife, together about 6, with a child approaching 2 years. Six months ago something I never thought would happen did, and I’m still struggling with the implications.
I was travelling with a couple of friends with whom I have some common hobbies. It was a late night drive and I found myself chatting passionately with a female friend I’ve known for a couple of years. It sounds so cliche to write, but something clicked and I realized we had a lot more in common than a couple of hobbies. It had been so long since I had enjoyed such varied and deep conversation where the hours flew by and I guess I felt we bonded. We’d had interesting conversations and traveled together before, but she lives with her boyfriend and the thought of being anything more than friends had never even crossed my mind.
Since then I feel like something changed within me that can’t be undone. I realised I enjoy spending time with this friend more than I do with my wife. I realised I can have intellectually stimulating conversations that I’d forgotten I cared about, share common interests and hobbies I can’t with my wife and experience a deep emotional connection I’ve never really felt before. To keep things short, after talking with her about the feelings I’d developed I discovered the attraction was mutual not long afterwards. We live quite far apart, so we can only meet to once a month, and otherwise message each other most days.
I’ve spent the last 6 months burdened by this discovery, torn inside with guilt and sadness, but happy at having bonded with someone in a way I hadn’t before. I’ve spent days reading forums, books, talking to friends and even a divorcee about my situation to try and gain insight. I recognize that, certainly in the early stages, I was probably overcome with limerence as I started to obsess about her. Recently it has calmed down as I got to know more about the girl. We’ve had a few big arguments and disagreements, mostly due to the complexity of the situation and my desire to become closer despite not being in a position to, but we have managed to talk them out and become closer as a result. There are things about her I dislike and faults I can see more clearly now, so I’m somewhat sure I’m no longer just gripped by infatuation. But I still find myself wanting to be with her and excited about that possibility.
At the same time I recognize that this has probably crossed over into emotional affair territory. I have always been deeply opposed to the idea, and it has taken everything I have not to kiss her or take things further. I’ve managed to draw the line at cuddling, whether that’s worth anything at all. I realise I need to try and work on my marriage, but with all my deep thinking and analysis and research, including going through the book ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay’, I find myself, as objectively as might be possible, arriving at the conclusion that I want to leave my marriage.
I’ve talked to my wife about my unhappiness a couple of times, and I’ve tried to articulate some of the things above, but not gone as far as talking about my feelings for the other girl, as I think that would hurt my wife deeply and only make the situation worse. Of course, I feel a great guilt at having to hide this, but I also feel a responsibility to get my head straight before saying things that will leave scars. My wife has already realized that I might have feelings for this other girl due to things she’s said in passing comments, but hasn’t outright pressed for details. My wife is obviously very sad, although she doesn’t show it, and I’ve found it very hard to be affectionate towards her at home anymore.
I’ve tried, rather half-heartedly I have to admit, re-igniting the passion in my marriage by trying some new activities together and talking about my feelings starting to disappear and how it bothers me we can’t enjoy the same hobbies and have deeper conversations. My wife tries to help by being loving and kind, but we both seem to recognize that my requests aren’t something she can just change. My stomach churns every time I have to kiss her or say I love you because I don’t feel it like I used to. There’s doubt there now. I know that in these situations the advice is often to keep trying and the feelings with return, but how can I try with earnest when my heart isn’t in it? I feel by being warm and loving I am deceiving her, but I care for her deeply and don’t want to hurt her.
When I got married I never for a moment thought that I of all people would be considering divorce or that my feelings would change. I’ve always dreamt it is a lifelong thing and that with enough effort anything could be overcome. I’ve always believed love is work and I still do, but at the same time, I do not want to try and blind myself to the feelings I’ve developed, nor do I think it a good thing to cut off all ties with this other girl to save the marriage. I guess I don’t believe in the institution of marriage so much that I would kill my own feelings and desires…
The illusion that I would be ‘in love’ forever has shattered. I’m not confusing wanting the initial rush of ‘love’ – I know that disappears after 1-3 years – but, as far as I can tell, I feel like the deeper ‘love’ I felt towards my wife has gone, or at least changed significantly. The best way I think I can identify this is that I find myself sometimes fantasizing about being in an accident to not have to deal with the situation, and that it would make it much easier for me to make a decision if I knew she had someone who could make her happy. I recognize that this might be an early mid-life crisis (everyone involved is in their 30s), and that I'm going through some hard belief-transitions to make sense of the broken illusion. I feel perhaps I need this for my personal growth and happiness, but that I could be deceiving myself.
I try to think back to the things I enjoyed with my wife and the good points about our marriage. She is a fantastic mother and a very caring person, we enjoyed travelling together when we first met and she hasn’t done anything wrong towards me. But our marriage, like many I guess, has become boring, and as disgusted as I am with myself for writing it in this way, I just don’t find myself wanting to spend time with her anymore. I realised that this has been the case since before our child was born – I would spend most of my free time with friends, or we would just lounge at home. Perhaps it took this other girl to wake me up and see that. I realise that some couples can have very different interests and work well together, but I crave a life partner that I can share the bulk of my pursuits and passions with. My wife just doesn’t share these, although she gives me the freedom to pursue them, and I try to return the favour by looking after our child when she wants to pursue her hobbies. It feels like I could have this with the girl I developed feelings for, though I’m aware I may be misleading myself.
I feel like I’m arriving at a point where, if there wasn’t a child involved, I would want to break up to risk pursuing these unknowns. But I’m very aware that, worst case scenario, I may lose my son. Joint custody isn’t legal in the country I live in, and there have been cases where the father is cut out of the child’s life completely and has no legal means to even see them. Those are the horror stories and ultimately what I risk losing most. But, having gone through many thought experiments, I no longer fear being single. I’ve become okay with the idea that a relationship with this other girl might not work (grass is greener and all that), and might not even happen should I leave because of the distance and her financial situation. And yet I still find myself feeling like I need to be single again – or perhaps I’m causing myself to believe that I feel that way..?
So I’m stuck, gradually starting to hate myself for being a person I never hoped I would be, but torn by the realisation that, yes, my feelings have changed and I don’t know if I love my wife anymore or why I should even fight for it like society says I should. I’m afraid that maybe I’m still being misled by temporary emotions and chemicals in my body, and that maybe I will regret not trying harder in the future, but at the same time I find myself depressed and in a dark place anytime I’m not busy at work, and I find myself crying when I seriously think about all the hurt that is and will be brought by this situation.
I guess the problem is I can find any number of ways to doubt my own thoughts and feelings, and that nothing is certain, and because of that I’m stuck. What other things can I do to try and figure this out? Is there anything I’m not clearly seeing that you can? Does anyone have a similar story that can share things they learned?
I thank you in advance for any frank and constructive advice. Apologies for the long post.