My reaction to divorce, feeling numb

[couchtospecialk]

As it says really. 6 months ago found out exH had been having an affair on and off for 6 years. It wasn't the first time. I told him I was going to divorce him. He hasn't contested it at any stage. Felt like a drudge after 16 years & 2 DCs together, supporting his career while mine stagnated, sex life was crap, growing resentment on both sides, his interminable narcisscism.

After initially feeling my world has crumbled I decided (QUICKLY like, 6 weeks) that I needed to feel like a woman again so began online dating which has led to a few months of fun, sparks and feeling desirable again which is great. I've also met a nice man who I feel quite strongly about. We're moving very slowly and things are lovely but I just feel numb, not like I should do by month 4 with a gorgeous man. I know it was too soon, knew it at the time but couldn't stop myself. I've been keeping myself busy mentally and practically, laughing and joking and on the face of it living a good and positive life.

My daughter asked me last night why I'd stopped crying so quickly when she was still so upset. Stopped me in my tracks a little bit. I did stop after about 1 month but also didn't want to cry in from of them anymore. ExH came over for pizza with us on friday night (girls had been at Grandparents' for 5 days which made me feel empty inside) and they'd missed him were crying so asked if he could come round. Hence the pizza... but I'm crying now not because of how he hurt me or that I'm angry he abandoned us etc. but that our DC's hearts are still completely broken 6 months on. I can see on their faces that they hope we will get back together it just kills me. Any advice how to talk to them about this? Reassure them? Iwant to reassure them that mummy and daddy are still friends but don't want to give them false hope.

Also whilst I would say I'm happier in some ways than when I was with exH (so relieved not to have to live on eggshells and to know there's nothing wrong with me) I just feel numb inside. I'm so sad and angry that I let him treat me like that. I didn't see it. I can't connect with any angry feelings towards him but presume I must be angry given the circumstances.... I can't concentrate on anything, can't get my shit together to do DC's homework with them, I've got a great support network but I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I make arrangements to see people but sit there empty and going through the motions. Sometimes I want to scream.

Am I depressed? I can't afford to crumble, not now.
Also does anyone have a polite way of saying that I don't want to see people right now because my head's all over the shop so don't want to meet up? Ugh please don't flame me for that... see this is why I need help to be diplomatic... I'm struggling.

As an adult who experienced similar as a child, I would say stop dad coming over. I know that seems ridiculous but whenever my mum would come over (this was reasonably regular and done in the best interests of myself and my brother), we found it very difficult to move on. It made us constantly think ‘if Mum and dad keep spending time together then they’re bound to be together again’ then when the next thing happened it was like a mini heartbreak all over again.
I think the best thing regarding the children is to be honest. Protect their relationship with dad by not saying bad things but again explain you both want to be happier and are happier apart.

It is always worth speaking to a GP. These things have incredible internal effects and some times the damage isn’t felt right away as the body and mind hasn’t absorbed what’s actually happened.

Wishing you much happiness

Thanks lozzalou - that's really helpful. I had a feeling him coming over was a well-intentioned but bad idea. Will knock it on the head.

Think I do need to speak to someone.

See your GP,I I had antidepressants for a few months just until I was on an even keel
I f I had needed to talk I would have gone for counciling as I was unable to say everything to friends/family and that does get in the way if just being relaxed with them.I knew what was going on ,yours is a more traumatic situation.
As for friends just ask them to be patient with you,good friends are just that.And be honest with children(appropriately),that it is sad but for you but that not all sad people cry and that because you and her dad can't be together doesn't mean either of you love them and that you will all be happier in the future.
I does get better,you just need to be kinder to yourself,maybe say to friends that you don't feel much like being out but would they like to pop round for coffee ,lunch,or wine at yours,I found that took the pressure off whilst keeping friendships intact.

I separated from my husband about 4 weeks ago . He has left the house with his dd - my dsd. I ve had friends around but the last few days have become really unbearable and I can t stop crying . What’s really awful is my sbex is a good person - we just could nt stop arguing- a lot about the dsc who lived with us . Will it ever get better - I keep thinking about the future and that I ll be alone forever .