How my divorce settled...

[Goldilocks3Bears]

So many people in here have questions about what to ask for and what will happen so I thought I’d share my story in a few points and feel free to ask anything you like.

1. whole thing took 18 months and we ended up in court. We have two small kids living with me that he sees every second weekend and half holidays
2. I spent 19k on the divorce
3. the sticking point was house equity and his final salary pension
4. I asked for too little - the judge would have awarded me the whole house he said but as I’d set out my stall lower he couldn’t do it in reverse
5. I earn a 30% more than him but combining his and his gfs income they earn the same as me
6. he pays statutory cm according to the online calculator and thinks that needs to cover everything so wants me to fund stuff like bday cards and presents on weekends he has kids
7. court was tough. I got just over 60% of the house and a third of his pension. He could have just given me the house and walked away and we’d have been at same money. I asked for that but he thought he deserved half.
8. relations are hard still. He’s very controlling and tries to undermine me every step of the way.

To all of you going through this, hang in there. Things get resolved and there’s life and love afterwards xx

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the battle as it were. I sold most of my stuff and spent all my “fun money” on the legal process. Stuff for kids was funded by either selling off their younger toys to buy new stuff, days out were Tesco vouchers, my mum paid for Xmas, etc etc.

The biggest positive - other than being rid of him - is that having gone through the process, I’m totally on top of all my spending, have the best deals in the market for absolutely everything, and weirdly feel mire at peace than when I was was sharing the burden of adulting with him.

Maybe that’s why some exes become so weird and controlling - they realise that they’re actually not wanted or needed and that rattles them.

But yes i will argue that oh is running up costs that are disproportionate to mine as it seems ridiculous now

Tbf it would have to a very very big difference for a judge to comment.

I agree piglet - ours were not far apart but it got raised by XH as he was trying to recover his debt so the judgeroo looked at the figures and saw that we had both spent similar amounts and that those i had spent more than him was also weighted by XH deciding to sack his solicitor because she didn’t agree with him. The judge said we were roughly equal in terms of what was spent and dismissed XH’s request.

Thanks Goldilocks your posts have been incredibly helpful to me, I have FDR soon after a hell of a time trying to get a form e out of ex, my legal costs after that will be similar to yours (I only appointed a sol after he refused to cooperate with process) and he has none as has not sought legal advice at any point. I totally get where you are coming from about the positive after effects as I am definitely much more aware of my spending and also in looking after what dc need emotionally from me. I don't know if we will achieve settlement at the FDR, and I expect a massive mental crash if not, but just taking one week at a time.

Hang in there tooty - it will look insanely bad if he doesn’t comply with form e requirements and your solicitor will know how to stress this to the judge.

Expect a mental crash - it would not be natural if you didn’t have a reaction and better out than in. Self care is the key here and make sure you get headspace and rest (or go out and get shitfaced and dance all night - whatever works!)

Hang in there tooty - it will look insanely bad if he doesn’t comply with form e requirements and your solicitor will know how to stress this to the judge.

It again depends on what he isn't complying with and whether the judge seems it important or not.