Hi all. So I’ve just literally this minute joined. I’m at the end of my rope and could really do with some advise and opinions. If I could ask you all to please not criticise. I’m feeling pretty low as it is and tears are always at the ready...
so here I go. Myself and my husband have been married for 5.5 years. Together 7. It’s safe to say that it was a complete whirlwind at the start. Met in May, bought a house in October, got engaged in February and got pregnant in June. Since then, we have had 2 children. (Now ages 2 and 3). They were both quite turbulent pregnancies for me. I had some serious anxiety etc... however my feelings towards my husband and our marriage started to really change in the middle of my second baby. The first time I mentioned it was shortly after she was born both to my mum (with whom I’m very close to) and my husband. They both didn’t pay much attention to me and put my feelings down to hormones etc. I partly wondered if they could have been right so left things and brushed it under the carpet. The petty arguments and low tolerance of each other continued. When my daughter was about 6 Months, I asked if we could go to counselling. He wouldn’t hear of it and said we didn’t need it. Over the next few months, I kept asking but kept being refused it. I then brought up my feelings about divorce and it of course fell on deaf ears. I was half expecting a reaction but didn’t get it. We haven’t had sex for over a year now and as awful as it sounds, the last time we did, I remember it was because I wanted to confirm if my feelings were true. And they were. There was nothing there. For me. Since then, he just hasn’t tried because he knows now that I couldn’t do that again with him. I’ve told him as much. I took my wedding rings off in May last year.
In the last 6 Months, I’ve been saying that I want a divorce. We don’t get on, I don’t love him anymore and I can never imagine being intimate together again. I told him 3 months ago I went to see a divorce lawyer (which I had,) and it really hit home. Since then he’s been begging for counselling. I at first refused it as I thought being petty was the answer and told him he didn’t agree when I thought we needed it, so now why should I? Also, I knew and still do know, a counsellor can’t do anything for our marriage. For me it’s done. I explained all this to him but he kept on so I agreed to go “for him” it wasn’t great. I told the counsellor in front of him that I didn’t feel like I needed marriage counselling any more, I was there because my husband begged me to go. I explained I need separation counselling. This was in December. When I said that, he walked out of the session and hit him hard again. Since then, he found someone else for counselling. He went to see her and told me she’s great and she’s made him see things from a different angle. He asked me to just go and talk to her on my own. I did so and she was good. She said to me if I can’t see myself with him in the next 40 years and I’m as unhappy as I explained I was I should think about myself and try to constructively end things. She agreed after meeting him and seeing how determined and strong willed he is, that it would be hard, but she agreed it it what I need to do.
My question is this. Do you think it’s possible to fall in love again? Even when you’re at the point where you can’t even kiss. It make me feel such a way. I love my husband like I love my sister. It’s that sort of love. He’s my children’s father. Of course I love him. But purely platonic. Nothing whatsoever more. He tells me he loves me and he wants me. I’m 30 and he’s 36. I think we’re both very young to just settle and be unhappy. We try and not argue in front of the children but I know children pick up so much on the fact that mummy and daddy never kiss or cuddle or love each other. And they can too pick up the tensions some times. I have another appointment with a divorce lawyer next month (this time a proper paid appointment. £300 for 90 minutes!!) the last one was a volunteer service. I feel like I need to know my options. I feel like the grass must be greener on the other side but I’m not sure it is. Right now, we have a lovely house, 2 beautiful children, both have good jobs etc... but I don’t want to just stay together to not break all that up. Or is that me being selfish? I’m so confused and I’m crying daily just because I think to myself, what a shame. What a shame it’s come to this. We used to be so in love and we used to have it all. Please let me know what you think and what you would do in this situation. Or if anyone has been in this situation and how you handled it. Anxiously awaiting replies. Thanks for reading this long novel! Xxx