Split-up but still living together, I"m finding it really difficult.

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So background.. after 20ish years together, last summer I instigated a split after some aggressive outbursts from xdp had pretty much ruined our relationship.

Realistically we have to stay in the house together as there's just not enough money for two separate houses. I have a low paid part-time job, but am looking to upskill and get something better so I'm more self supporting. I'm thinking 2 yrs max and I'll be in a better financial/employment position, so we could sell up and move on ( house in joint names 50/50).

The thing is its just so uncomfortable living together, living in such a crap atmosphere can't be good for the kids either.

Was just looking for some advice/ experiences from others who have been through it.
*How long did you manage?
*How did it effect your DC?
*How did you cope mentally?
*How did you split the practical side (housework and stuff)
Thanks xxxxx

I've been doing this since the summer but in my case it's because he refuses to leave until the court orders it.
Both my children are having counselling.
We clean communal areas alternate weeks, he never tidies anywhere and just pushes stuff to the side.
He won't pay for his share of cleaning materials unless he can do that instead of giving me money for the children.
I do 6 days of child care.
Mental health wise, it's very stressful, he was financially and emotionally abusive before we split but is very careful not to be violent.

I am also doing it (though h does spend some nights away every week - I never know if he is going to be here or not) and it is horrible. Reminds me all the time that I would rather things worked between us.

Sorry, not much help .

I managed about 15-16 months. It was horrible. I was at work full time in a fairly stressful role and coming home not knowing what to expect. Everything that had annoyed me when we were together became even more annoying. I moved out when I realised that I was close to breaking with the stress and I thought it was starting to affect the kids.

We are doing it at the moment mainly due to dp being in denial .
I'm not too bothered about it I'm taking it slowly , I've started a new job so concentrating on that. Seen a solicitor and I have a plan.
We get on ok but that's because I'm being an adult about it even though I found out he was messaging girls on tinder when we were still together , I actually just don't care.
In his mind he thinks we are getting back together, he will have an out burst every so often but I ignore him.
Hoping he will leave soon but I don't bear him any ill will and we are focussed on parenting our 4 year old together

Am doing this at the moment, very similar to you - 22 years together, 3 older dc although 1 at uni, working pt but gradually increasing skill set & hours. Tbh I’m hating it. Have tried to put a routine in place so that we both know what to expect & when, but he’s just not following it & I can’t rely on him for anything even more so now than before the split. He works nights so a few nights a week he not in the house which helps a little, although everything has to be about him in the few hours between getting up & going work. It is extremely draining and quite stressful, sorry not much help :/ I’ve put together a sort of rota for chores/cooking etc but he’s only sticking to it when feels like it and even though I’ve offered to step back/stay away on his days off so he can spend time with the dc he is still just doing his own thing like always, so they come looking for me anyway. I need his financial situ to improve so he can move out - I am paying all bills/housekeeping from this month but he has a lot of business debt so still can’t afford to go yet, but then I found out he’d recently joined a gym! Not an expensive one but not the point, although I hope it makes him feel better in himself I’m peeved that the cash could go towards clearing
debt or paying his keep/towards kids needs etc! They are not 109% obviously & thankfully older so can see for themselves The situation but the atmosphere is awful and I really do wish I could make it better for them as quickly as possible! Good luck & feel welcome to inbox me if you want/need to chat x take care everyone x

Hiya Popup Im still at 'home' with halfdivorced xh its been nearly 10 months. We are civil although I despise him for ditching the 30 year relationship, and are lucky in other ways being mostly retired and solvent. I do much less housework than I used to but with kids its more complicated, try and get him to continue to do the bits hes good at maybe bills etc though always get a copy. I do dishes, dusting, bathroom he does recycling, hoover and floor mop. Keep a joint fund for household if possible. But keep doing the shopping then you can sneak in all your toiletries he won't notice and anyway who wants to eat prawns and swede which xh brought back once or indeed fxxxing cooked chicken every night? We usually eat separately

How old are the children and are you their primary carer? A primary carer with a lower income should expect to get more than 50% of the house and other assets. So you sell, you and the children get a bigger chunk of the equity to buy a main home, he gets a smaller chunk to buy somewhere mostly for him but adequate for housing the children during his contact with them. With his higher income, he'll be able to improve on that in time, but with your lower income, you won't - that's why you get the bigger chunk now.

See a solicitor and find out how to proceed with this. You may be stuck short term while you sell your current house, but it doesn't have to be 2 years.

I'm in this position. Been separated about two months and can't move until April. It's killing me. Very early days though. I was doing ok whilst angry but now I'm just miserably unhappy) Trying hard for kids sake but when your oh tells you he hasn't loved you in most of your ten year marriage and sees you as a friend it kind of breaks your heart. Any tips on avoiding emotional break downs gratefully received.

I am also separated but still living with my husband. We were married 16 years. He had at least three affairs. The last one began just after we moved to Hungary to be closer to his family. We decided to live in the same house for several reasons including support for our children (most importantly) and financial reasons (we just relocated to another country and just bought a house together). We have been separated for 3 months and so far it is working out OK. I wrote a set of "Ground Rules" which he mostly respects including no bringing new relationships home or exposing children to new relationships unless the other agrees. I also saw a lawyer to understand the legal ramifications. He says he is not interested in dating anyone, but...well he was dating someone for the last 6 months before we separated so his attitude is rather amusing. I think it is important to establish ground rules if you will live together for an extended period of time. We have a common goal of protecting and supporting our children, so we work from that base.