Children’s wishes and fathers access

[Bridget543]

Any guidance would be gratefully received!
My husband left myself and our 2 young children 5 months ago. We have agreed that the children need to see us both and he has them overnight midweek and every other weekend with some additional access by taking them for supper sometimes. I have no issues about him spending time with them and indeed encourage it. I have had to move closer to friends and family 20 miles away with children moving schools with his consent...my issue is that when he has them they either just spend time with him or spend with his sister and her children. That is of course fine but is limiting their opportunities. The children would like to go to after school activities with their friends and they have been offered swimming lessons but they fall mid week and he says he refuses to take them. He is incredibly inflexible with the children which means they are missing out on social and friendship interaction which I feel is having a negative effect on them and their lives. (He refused to let me take them to their cousins birthday party as it was his time) I am the primary carer so am wondering if I have any case to insist he takes them for their benefit or do I have to just put up with it and deal with my kids disappointment? It’s so hard seeing them sad about missing out! Please help! Thanks

He has them 1 night a week and every other weekend? Is the weekend Friday evening to Sunday evening?

I'm saying this with experience here, I agree with him. Your children need to spend as much time as possible with him right now, it's only been 5 months and he gets limited time. When they are teenagers, they can make up their own minds but right now find things that are done on other days, they do exist. I sometimes want to go out with my friends but things don't work out that way and promoting their relationship is important. Don't tell them their cousin has a party on his day, otherwise you're the one giving them false expectations and raising their hopes, why should he give up his time with them?

My actual father didn't give a toss when I was a child, you are lucky he cares because I'm sure you'd have something to say if he was asking you to reduce time which is kind of what you are doing.

I'd get something formal in place about contact if he's already being a bit of a knob.

Can you swap his night so they can do swimming? Why is he refusing to take them?

I'd make plans not on his nights with them.

Dermymc, how is he being a knob? OP has asked to take the children on his night (deviating from the agreement) to a party for OP's family member. Whilst nice, separations mean that children do sometimes miss out on these things if the other parent has them. In situations where co-parenting works amazingly it may work well swapping but for most, it can quickly go downhill and one becomes a CF. If he agrees to it, OP may keep asking or alternatively HE may keep asking, sticking to an agreement is fairer than getting into a sliding scale of chopping and changing. I'm wondering what would have been said if the request to take them came from him to OP, asking for a night on her limited time

my issue is that when he has them they either just spend time with him or spend with his sister and her children.

Jesus, what an absolute bastard eh......

He has much less time with them now - it's fair enough he doesn't want to spend that taking them to swimming lessons.

I don't like your emotive language about him leaving your children. I didn't "leave" my children when my marriage broke down. He hasn't left them.

There are other nights of the week - choose activities on those.

It does sound a shame that they missed a family party. But some people are more comfortable with a fixed schedule - maybe more so in the early days when they are trying to make it work? Was it a similar aged cousin? I'd would be less likely to swap my schedule around for a party of a much older child.

Thanks for replies. I’m afraid it’s not as clear cut as that. I am pretty flexible with him in that he goes for a weeks holiday with the boys to “destress” for example and I offer him my time to compensate so children don’t miss out. I don’t tell children about anything they can’t go to but their friends ask why aren’t they coming. I do everything possible not to compromise their feelings. I guess I am trying to make their lives as happy as possible when their parents are far from amicable and it means it feels like we are letting them down by not letting them socialise and join in with what their new friends are doing. I suppose I just have to work around it and see what happens

Spending time with both parents is more important than friends though, when they can see those friends on other days. Every child I know (I have an 8yo) has nights that can't do things because it's dad's night / other activity / childcare cos parents are working.

Don't tie yourself in knots about them missing some things.

Thanks Ellisandra, I feel a bit better now. It’s been incredibly difficult. I said he left as he had declared he wanted to go travelling and didn’t want to be with us anymore. I’m sure you had much better and loving reasons for making your decision. My husband has been using the children in our split quite a lot and I’m very upset to say he had not much interest in seeing children at all until solicitors mentioned maintenance payments...but I needn’t go into all that. I will see what happens and I very much hope husband supports and wants to see our children long term 😏whatever happens I will be there for the children.

Not really loving reasons - I left him because he wouldn't stop fucking prostitutes!

It is really annoying when they do nothing before then super dad, isn't it? I had a slightly similar effect - my XH suddenly ramped up the quality time to show off his involvement to his new girlfriend who had 2 kids!

And that really irritated me! But you have to stay sane and not bitter by looking to the positive - however if came about, it's generally better for kids to get that increased time.

I know there are occasional times when I can't do something with mine because they're with him (luckily we're both flexible, but it happens). I have to remind myself that even if we were together, kids don't get to do everything all the time. So do try not to feel guilty on that score x