Ending my marriage - how do I know it’s right?

[wishiwasbetter]

Hoping I might get some pointers from anyone who’s been here? Been with H for 19 yrs, married 13, 2 DCs 8&6. For the last yr I’ve been struggling with whether I love him. We haven’t had sexlife for yrs, he almost cheated last yr (been texting someone and was arranging to meet when I saw the texts). I’m not desperately unhappy but there’s no joy, and think he feels same. We’ve had a couple of ‘talks’ but keep deciding it’s best for the kids to try harder. Apart from sex-life/almost straying, there’s no real event or issue I can point to. There’s definitely no one else on either side. He’s a nice kind hard-working man, a good dad, and my friends & family all like him. I think I’ve grown apart from him & there’s no feelings at all. But I’m scared I’ll make a huge mistake chasing my own personal happiness at the expense of my childrens’.
I feel like there’s nothing about him that makes me happy - we have different opinions, outlooks, tastes and we don’t make each other laugh. We are not the best versions of ourselves when together. But I really don’t want to have that life - less money, losing everything we built together, swapping the kids on doorsteps, possibly growing old alone, being a FT working mum on my own. I keep veering wildly from ‘surely we both deserve to find joy with s/o else’ over to ‘I don’t want to be alone or damage my kids’. I’ve spent the holidays talking myself into being grateful for all the things that I have. But it’s not sticking. Day to day, the atmosphere is amicable and actually not unpleasant at all, but there’s a voice in the back of my head that I can’t shush telling me I deserve better.
I’m just too scared to make a decision in case it’s a mistake. I know he would never go for a trial separation. Is there a magic set of questions to help decide? Is counselling useful? Is there one event or thing that helps you realise it’s over? Do I suck it up & accept this is the man I chose and make the most of it, or do I leave a permanent scar on my kids and change all our lives just so I can maybe find happiness? I feel helpless.

My Dh's parents finally split up when they were 65 and DH was an adult with his own family.

He says he remembers the icy atmosphere and the rows.

It's not worth it OP. You only get one life. Who says splitting will ruin your DC's lives?

What's so bad about dropping kids off on doorsteps if the homes they're going to are peaceful and happy?

I'm in a similar situation to you. I would suggest counselling either for yourself or for the two of you. I'm also going to see a solicitor in 2 weeks time, just to find out the financial implications to splitting up. We only have one DC who's in their teens. I feel I need to know the whole picture.
It's a massive jump. I hear you.

Change is scary, but looking back in 20 years time and wishing you'd followed this through, is even scarier.

I am the same situation its scary been married for 20 years its been 1 year I am not happy goes out a lot cant take it anymore its getting worse sometimes for 2 days . He does not want a divorce and all he says its sorry all over and make the same mistake . I know I am wasting my time splitting everything scare me a lot he is a good dad but is that worth it staying on the marriage thats the question I am asking myself over and over

Lillie it’s rotten for u. I sometimes wish there was an affair because at least then I could have an excuse to leave? Sounds stupid. Think might try counselling :-(

Hi @wishiwasbetter and @lillie30101968 I'm in a very similar situation to you both. I've got to the point I know that my feelings for my husband are not going to improve - if anything over the last 6 months the have deteriorated beyond repair. The trouble is what to do about it? With such a long marriage splitting everything we have is just too big a task to contemplate - let alone considering the kids!! I don't think I've ever felt this low before with not knowing what to do about it.

Also @wishiwasbetter I know exactly what you mean about wishing there was an affair - if there was another man for me (preferably a rich one of course!! LOL) at least I'd have somewhere to run too

yes wishiwasbetter an affair but the problem is I dont know he keeps denied it and I dont even know who he hangs out till late everyday . Counselling is not in his card . Its gone to a point communication is zero I cant see things improve I Have to do things myself to be happy thats not right . kids are grown up 17 and 13 its now we should have catch up the time when they were younger to go out more but its not happening. he does want separation and dont want to change

I did my first counselling session today (get free access through my employer) and she gave me good questions to ask myself and him, to test ourselves about whether there really was something worth saving or not. So I thought I’d try them out this week together. And then I put the kids to bed tonight, and he told me he thought we were through, and should split up. I’m shell-shocked, even though I have been thinking the exact same thing. The whole conversation was awful and horrible, and I’m crying my eyes out grieving for the life I thought we would have with the kids together. But do u know what? There’s some kind of relief there, and I’m grateful that he initiated it, because I’m not sure when I would’ve been brave enough. Iamthrough - I feel for u. I also know my feelings for him will never improve, and I’m now really really dreading disecting our finances and possessions and plans with a massive caving knife. It feels like such a loss

I’ve been with H 22+ years, our 20th wedding anniversary March, yet that’s when he will be moving out instead :( and I’ve spent the last few days looking round the house wondering how I’m going to unravel our lives together so that he can go! I’m a little relieved that the atmosphere should improve and in one sense looking forward to the thought of being able to have my own space almost, but in another I’m so very sad at the loss of what could have been & im so anxious about finances :( Kids are older, 19,17,13 which helps in some respects but also off at uni, College, getting older/going out etc as they should be, so can’t help worrying am going to end up an old hermit on my own after devoting my life being mum/wife etc. Such a cliche! Will be the first time living alone as met at school & started seeing H at College before moving in together. But saying all that, deep down I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m so sad and lonely because of the rut we are in. Am going to find a counsellor for myself I think (H doesn’t want to go), just to have someone to talk to as no fam support etc. Hope you are all ok & good luck! X

@wishiwasbetter What questions were you given to ask??

Long term marriages always go like this. I personally wouldn't let them go without reading some John Gottman beforehand. Look up his credentials.

www.amazon.co.uk/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0752837265

Read the reviews

Thanks Bibbidee, think it’s too late for us now unfortunately. He’s away to work today with a list of people to call - bank, solicitor, estate agent. We both said a lot last night, I said I didn’t love him and I could tell it really hurt him beyond repair. He’ll react now by protecting himself and go super organised & efficient getting ready for our separation. Still ‘amicable’ though as much as it could be.
JooMooMies - I am so sorry ur going through it too. It feels like throwing away a lifetime doesn’t it?. I’m also part relieved but mostly so very sad. It feels like I’ve lost an actual person, haven’t felt this sense of loss since my mum died.
An Airborne - questions were: when did you start to feel differently about each other/what was going on at that time/what makes u unhappy now/when was the last time u were happy/what have u tried/how have u made problem worse/how has he/is there anything else either of you could do differently/what makes u joyful/what do u want from life/how do u imagine ur life in 5-10-20 yrs & how would u get there/how does your current situation factor into that vision

Bibbidee, downloaded the book anyway. Trying not to give up all hope in the space of a morning x

My husband has left me after 27 years of being a loyal army wife. I'm just working through my options. Does anybody have a rough idea of what his pention may be worth? He joined as a private soldier and may be promoted to.Lt Col next year after 33 years service.

Sorry sweetpeagirl to hear. Is there another wife you could ask, or a dept in army u could call. It’s opposite in my circumstance, I have the better pension and salary, so I’m guessing H will be asking these same questions himself today.

Thank you wishiwasbetter. I spent my entire life following his career so have no pention of my own. Difficult to ask any army friends because they are 'his friends'.
Due to confidentiality laws, only he can request a pension forcast. Appreciate your support. Sweetpea

Sweatpea- there is a section on MN called "Forces Sweethearts", maybe post on there, and people may know?

I have just bought the kindle version of that book (99p) and am going to read, but I fear I am in exactly same position.
I just can't bear how hurt my children will be- they absolutely adore him, and will struggle/ suffer not seeing each of us every day. That sounds dramatic, but both my children have AS, and have anxieties. It's what has kept me with him for so long, as I just cannot see how living arrangements would work. But I am losing more and more of myself every day, week, month I stay.

Very similar here

I won’t give advice because i don’t know the detail but I will say that my ex were very similar to your and your husband and we have a very amicable divorce and now do parent really well together. Over Christmas we did lots of activities as a family of 4. To look at us you’d think we were the perfect family!

The difference is that i am fundamentally more happy and optimistic about my future than I was when married to him.

I've been through this. I wasn't happy for a few years before I was able to deal with it. I really think you should take some action otherwise it really will be a slippery slope. From what you have written he is not happy either and you're both stuck in a rut.

My advice is to think about what would need to change in the relationship for you to feel differently about him. Has anything changed over the years? What was he like when you were first together? How is it different? Take some time to think about things and when you have, find a time to talk to him and find out how he is feeling. You might find counselling helps - individual or couples.

I decided to initiate our split and I can honestly say it was the hardest thing I have ever done. The only thing I can hold on to is that I did everything I could to make it work and felt I exhausted every avenue... And now here I am on my own (although never really alone because of my daughter) and the reality is sometimes pretty lonely. But I take comfort in the fact I really tried to make it work, and I know I couldn't sustain it as it was. And who knows what the future now holds for me.

As an aside, I can't help but wonder where you would be now if you hadn't seen those texts? The decision may have been made for you.

Now is the time to act - whatever you decide - there is no wrong or right answer but I can guarantee you will feel better for confronting it.

Been there done it, married for 21yrs. Separated finally in 2010, ex has remarried. I have a new chapter moved to a new area, new job. Absolutely loving my new life.

There is life after separation/divorce.

Hope it pans out for all posters having a hard time.

Great post Claudia... same boat here. Those questions are very thought provoking, not easy to answer honestly, either.

Answering the questions during my more wobbly moments, like today, remind me that we were dreadful together. I believed in partnership of equals, he didn't. We married because we were parents, not because we loved each other.

It's very difficult to disentangle feelings and memories. I'm still terrified I am doing this all wrong. Really scared.

Difference is I'm no longer scared of him, or his reactions, or how I'd grow old with him. I'm scared of how I will manage myself, that I might remain single forever. They're my fears tbh.

Good luck OP

Sosog - I found a huge burden of responsibility to be the one to initiate the split - it feels like it's all on me (even though he wasn't happy too) and I too have times when I worry I've done the right thing. It's also easy for rose-tinted specs to take over sometimes. It can also be hard to imagine a happy future when you're not there yet and the wound is still raw.

You will (and I too) will be able to manage ourselves. We're parents after all and surely that has already thrown more than enough shit at us that we have managed to deal with. And as for being single forever, I just tell myself that at least now I'm in a position where it can happen and maybe that alone is reassuring in itself, whatever the future holds.

I could be writing your post myself ! Dh of almost 20 years has done a couple of thoughtless things this weekend and I am livid. I feel like I just want out but am worried about the effect on our 4 kids , 2 dogs etc. He has all his money ( inheritance ) in his own accounts , I don't even have money to leave to rent somwhere.