She won't accept it is over

[david1978]

Having searched around this seems the most active place to possibly get some help...

Have been married to my wife 15 yrs together 20 yrs. We have three children between 7 and 11 yrs old.

I found out she was cheating about 4 months ago. Don't want to go in to details too much but it had been over the course of several months at least. She claimed it was over when I found out but could not have been over by more than a few days.

My first instinct when I found out was to walk out. For various reasons to do with things going on with the children I didn't.

To cut a long story short I have since spent a couple of periods of a few days away from home but otherwise have been there. Every day I have battled in my mind with what I wanted to do. About a month ago I had persuaded myself to try to keep our relationship going, although if I'm honest on reflection the only reason to do so has been about the children. At that time we had sex for the only time since I found out about the cheating. Since then I have gradually realised that I just don't want to be with her and there is no changing that.

I got through Xmas and have yesterday told her it is over. She won't accept it. She wants us to "fight" and for the sake of the children etc. etc. She doesn't accept that is exactly what I have been doing for months.

I will be moving out and in the short term staying with my parents. Who knows after that.

I want to be able to talk to her about practicalities in the short medium and long term.

But this is going to be impossible while she refuses to accept it is

any advice??

Yesterday?

You aren't going to get this resolved overnight.

You just have to tell her what your plans will be from now on. Get legal advice and set up a meeting with a mediator and hope she comes. If she refuses to engage, use the advice you get to make your own plans, put everything in letters/ emails so you have a record and forge ahead. I'm so sorry.

She is right to try to fight for the relationship if you have children. Separation is deeply damaging for them and will have long term implications for them.

You are well within your rights to want to leave and to move towards that. It seems likely that you have made a choice that will be right for you longer term. She has cheated and inflicted very serious damage on your family.

However, since there will be no winners from this situation, and it is traumatic for you all, you can work to make sure that:

1. You are making the right choice not one in anger and hurt
2. You have done all you can to minimise the impact on your children
3. You maintain a reasonable relationship in which to parent your children.

The best advice is to arrange couple counselling immediately. (Yes, it is expensive, consider it an essential cost.) Go to counselling together often - they will help you to see a way through, including a more amicable break up.

Hi David, sorry to hear that you're going through this. You'll find a lot of people will reply with unhelpful and crappy comments. Ignore them.

I think it may have been a good idea to tell your wife when you found out that you weren't sure if you would stay with her, I think by carrying on and sleeping with her, you may have sent mixed messages.

However, having said that. She cheated. So of course you are within your rights to tell her it's over. maybe this time you may need to sit her down in the next week or so and explain your decision. she may still refuse to accept the decision after that but atleast you've laid it all out.

After that, collect whatever evidence you can and continue with divorce proceedings, she will have to accept it.
Good luck

@david1978

Did your wife know you were fighting for your marriage?

Thanks for the replies

I didn't expect this to be easy or sorted quickly

In our first conversation after I found out about her cheating I told her that my first instinct was to leave and say it's over straight

A few other conversations we have had since have made it clear I am trying to find a way to want to stay with

I am dreading the next steps but the last few months have been hell so couldn't continue

If your wife is anything like my stbExH, until you serve divorce papers, she will still be taking it for granted that you're sticking around, as you have previously, so the actual leaving will be a bit of a shock.

I'd been trying for 2 years to mend my marriage (including counselling on my own as he wasn't bothered) and then when I stopped trying and started divorce it was all "aren't you going to put any effort in to saving this marriage?"

Just remember she started this journey by cheating, but it's your journey.

Just remember she started this journey by cheating, but it's your journey
This.
You have tried to make it work and are at a point where you can't.
You seem to have thought about it carefully and are trying to put the kids first.

As PP said, it's all well and good her talking the talk now but she chose to cheat. Some people can work through infidelity, others can't, some might depending on the situation. She created this situation, not you.

Sorry to hear this David. very difficult for you. She was unfaithful and it must be very hurtful.