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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Those of you who initiated the split - how long until you felt OK?

21 replies

Standstilling · 26/12/2017 20:52

I have been split from XP for about 9 months now - my choice (had v v helpful thread here, he was making me v unhappy after 20+ years of coping for him, emotional labour, wifework, etc), 3 DC, he moved on very quickly to someone else, financial stuff not yet sorted.

I have slowly been feeling more like myself, enjoying my solo weekends, concentrating on getting through the weeks, caring for the DC. On ADs since before the split.

So why have I felt so low these past few days? XP picked up the DC earlier today and I am tearful (more so than usual), feeling flat, lifeless, can't enjoy things (apart from eating, of course).

When did you start to feel properly better? On an even keel again? I feel like I am just keeping my head above water, yet going round in circles with my emotions.

OP posts:

swipeleft · 26/12/2017 21:00

I can't answer your question but I think Christmas is one of those times where you reflect and old feelings are bound to come to the surface. My split is more recent, it's been almost 5 months for us but we've been in limbo as I'm not moving out til next week, and Christmas has been really hard, wondering if I'm doing the right thing splitting my family up. Hopefully you and I will both feel more positive in the new year when life gets back to normality.

Original poster

Standstilling · 26/12/2017 21:06

I think you're right Swipe - I've never felt anything negative at Christmas before so this reflecting thing has taken me by surprise.

5 months and still living together - that must be so hard. We had 2 months before he moved out and that was almost intolerable. to you.

I crave time alone yet it seems it might not be the best thing for me. Crap Christmas eating and hormones not helping, perhaps.

OP posts:

HoneyWheeler · 26/12/2017 21:13

When I split from my ex my cousin (who works in neuroscience) really helped me by saying that our brains need tomboy socially change and make new pathways after a split - so that we change then associations we have with certain things and how they relate to our ex partners. So even if we rationally know we made the right decision to end things, our brains and emotions really do take a while to catch up. It might not make a hot of difference to you, but I found it incredibly comforting to hear that. I just knew I had to sit right and the low feelings would pass.

It took me about a year to really feel 'over it' if I'm really honest- I still think of him fondly in some ways but it most I am SO relieved!

HoneyWheeler · 26/12/2017 21:14

Tomboy socially = to physically

Original poster

Standstilling · 26/12/2017 21:26

Thank you Honey - science reassures me

OP posts:

Secretsout · 26/12/2017 22:54

After a long marriage to an EA narc....the day I decided to end it was the day I never looked back. Despite every bit of shit he has thrown at me I’ve grown stronger each day.

Nikitasol · 26/12/2017 23:09

It's been 10 months since I left EA ex and I can't say it hasn't been tough, mostly cos he's been so vile but I've never regretted it. I was unhappy for a long time before I made the decision.

He met someone else almost immediately and that's been hard to take but that's his dynamic (always being with someone) and I have mine.

It's been hard as we're in mediation and he's been shit with childcare but have a parenting plan to start on 1st Jan so hoping a routine will help improve things going forward. I think it'll get better in time but some people seem to be able to get over stuff more quickly than others. I take time to process things and try to learn from them so I'm almost thinking it'll probably only be better this time next year. Assuming he doesn't throw more shit at me in the meantime that is! Hope not.

Good luck with it all. It will get better. And Christmas is a trigger for everyone, Divorced or not. 🕯xx

Layniboggs123 · 27/12/2017 09:19

I'm finding it tough at minute ! I initiated split due to him just been at pub all time no thought for me or ds. Was hoping for a fight from him but instead he just left after weeks of trying he admitted to having an affair, they are still together now 5 months on. He has turned into perfect dad to her dc's and been the man I wanted him to be. Everyday plasters over Facebook his love for her ( hear from mutual friends) . I know he will revert back eventually it has he finally changed for her ?

Onlyoldontheoutside · 29/12/2017 16:15

I think we put a lot of energy into making sure Christmas is OK for the kids and when it's over their naturally comes the down.
I'm on Christmas no. 2.Last year we went to my brother's a family rallied around all spoil as exhibition didn't call DD to wish her a happy Christmas and wouldn't pick up his phone.
This year he called first thing in the morning and even though I have had a bad cold(having our meal today and I am sipping medicinal champagne to ease the throat) and there is just the 2 of us it has been good.She is off to her dad's for new year and I have booked some links Ng shifts at work,not because I need to be busy but because I can and a bit of extra pay will do no harm.
I am lucky as DD is a teen so can say where she wants to be and it will always be me for Christmas but with no exh spoiling it .
Due to his behaviour during the end of our relationship it has been a bit of an uphill battle to ensure DD kept contact,he hurt her a lot mentally and expected a then 12 year old to phone him to arrange visits,but didn't tell her that so added to everything else she felt rejected.
Another year down the list line,I am off ADs,she has had council IMG and after a few whobbles is doing well and he is no longer being an utter bastard.
So ,have a long soak n a bath,find a slushy film/good book with chocs and wine and take a deep breath.You got out,it carries on getting easier,you will have down days especially when your kids are away but that is normal and does not last and is always better than the life you had before you left.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 29/12/2017 16:19

Auto check keeps changing exh to exhibition,it may be right!

Original poster

Standstilling · 29/12/2017 19:21

Thank you for your stories. It is really helpful to hear your experiences. Am feeling better- is right about putting loads into making Christmas special then crashing afterwards. That's exactly what I did.

OP posts:

MollyHopps · 12/01/2018 19:33

I'd like to bump this if I may.

I initiated the split with DH a while ago. Took a little while for us to move out a
afterwards which we did over christmas.

This week it has all suddenly hit me. I keep crying at the drop of a hat. He dropped the kids off tonight and I nearly burst into tears and begged him not to go.

Thing is, I've moved on and I am really happy with DP. It's so confusing.

Onlymeeeeee · 12/01/2018 20:14

I feel ok most of the time, but I have a strong feeling that I have made the right choice and life will be much better than it was. We are nearly at 6 months living separately under the same roof, he only has the children one day per week, i do everything for them and struggle to get money off him.

I say to people who ask, that yes it is horrible, but I mainly ignore him and when he finally leaves, our next lodger will be lovely.

We barely speak, because even my politest comments about the weather are met with sweary insults from him.

It will be better, all i am seeing now is the real him, that i tried so hard to love.

rabbitrabbit12 · 18/01/2018 15:33

Took me about 3 yrs to fully recover after a 15 yr relationship plus 6 mths of anti depressants

Blossom5 · 19/01/2018 10:27

I'm in the same situation I initiated it and at first he was lovely and wanted to make extra efforts then he got really nasty including using the kids to get at me taking me.off the car insurance pushing my 70 year old mum. I'm going for a non molestation and occupation order as he is firmly in the house. I have conflicting thoughts all the time of what I've I've done the wrong thing and I might regret it to I've wasted my life and hate him! Why can't my brain just settle on a place ?

Pekiche · 20/01/2018 18:07

I was married for 9 years 17 years total with mmy husband ...he has a temper and will get mad or frustrated when thunbgs don't get his way ..he used to hit me nothing crazy but stopped once my 7 year old got born ...he changed but he just kinda forgot about us his phone took a lot of his time and it was just m and my daughter doing fun stuff...I started talking to my ex and things got out of control thus new guy was giving m everything my husband wasn't ...I started to see everything bad about my husband and thus guy asked m to move out so one night I fought with my husband and left with my daughter...my husband knows everything begged m to come back is willing to get counseling my daughter misses her dad and I feel i made the biggest mistake of my life...pleasehelp

Blossom5 · 20/01/2018 20:34

Why do you think you made a mistake ?

Pekiche · 21/01/2018 18:25

Leaving my husband cause I should've talked to him and try to fix things before moving in w the other guy

Blossom5 · 21/01/2018 18:52

But you mustn't have been happy and we make the best decisions with the info we have at the time it might be a blessing in disguise maybe your looking at it from rose tinted glasaes. It's hard I know and I've left my husband after 10 years and 5 children I wasn't happy and I question my choice daily hourly but I wasn't happy..

RubyRed2017 · 25/01/2018 13:33

bumpity bump. Its a year on for me since XH moved out. I am having periods of feeling great, then periods of feeling pants again. Spending time with friends, and exercise, seems to help.I do feel like I am going to be single forever though.
Although I ended the marriage, he moved on straightaway and found a new partner within weeks, whereas I am on my own with 3 kids to look after. (He has moved 3 hours away and has them alternate weekends). Although I couldn't have been happy with him, I am still mourning the loss of my hopes and dreams for a happy marriage :-/ and I can't see that changing anytime soon.
.

Pekiche · 25/01/2018 14:54

I guess is difficult for some people to understand cause of little details here is my whole story...
18 years ago I met a nice guy but we were very young we worked together and that was the issue people told him things he went away to train and got an offer but his boss told him to stop seeing m so after a year of being together he broke up w me...I met a new guy who had a strong temper from day one he put his rules and I just fell for him he hit m when we were dating he always wanted everything his way...we went to live together no change then we got matried had a daughte and no change...like i tell everyone not all the tume was bad i had great times w him...he has 2 jobs came home by 10 and I had to figure out how to get my daughter and everything else...I was fine w it I mean I being w my husband for 18 years until 10 months ago my ex reached out to me he has always being looking for me so we saw each other he had a knee replacement surgery so he was getting better..when I saw him is like nothing changed we laugh joke look at each other the same exact way that we did years ago nothing had changed nothing..i tried to avoid getting involved w him but started an affair and cheated on my husband who was focus on his phone all the time and the new guy asked m to leave my husband ..my husband hasn't hit me in 3 years but one day he threatened m to hit m if I didn't listen to him..I stayed but nothing was the same I don't want him to touch m so one night we fought and he said he was leaving so I grab my daughter and went to the other guys house ..him and my daughter get along well she is 7..he had an i faction in the knee again and had to b fixed still he will take my daughter to school pick her up took us to sesame place is an amazing person...I just started to miss my husband and my daughter is telling she wants her family back..he just had another infection and his leg has to b amputated it...I think this is to much for my daughter,and now I'm in a mess cause I have no one to take her to school or pick her up so I was gonna move in w my parents and I told him he started crying and I feel bad. I miss my husband but I can't b mean

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