Morale boost please!

[NewBee3]

This will be a pretty pathetic post I'm afraid. My husband and I just agreed to separate after months of counselling and misery. We're still pretending things are fine for the sake of the 2 DCs, I'll be telling them the news just after Christmas. He's already moved out without them noticing but is around the house a lot. It was his birthday 2 days ago and I did a big party tea with balloons, cake, crackers, the works, just so the children were happy. And the pretence and situation are killing me, I am so so miserable. Any tips for surviving this time?

The separation was mutual, he's an angry man-child and I've been so unhappy for a long time that I know this is the right decision. But I'm dreading telling the children and there are so many decisions to make, about the house, finances, work and childcare, that I just feel overwhelmed. I know I need to get some backbone and get organised and be a supermum for my children's sake, but at the moment I'm just feeling lost, desperate and not coping. I'm quite scared of my husband because of his past behaviour and feel I've lost any oomph I ever had. I'd just love some coping and thriving tips from those who've been here - thank you very much

My one tip is get the practical and financial support of a solicitor.

Seriously. Once you have knowledge of your rights, you will feel so much stronger.

Yes i agree about the solicitor, i also was scared of my stbExH because he was threatening to call the police on me, so I called them (on 101, how delightfully mumsnettish, i am a cliche) and not only did they reassure me that they'd be trying not to laugh at him in the situation he'd threatened they'd arrest me, they logged everything else he's threatened and done so that if his behaviour escalates, i can call 999 and they have some context.
Information is your friend.

Hello newbe I am in a similar situation although husband decided to leave.

I’d agree with trying to see a solicitor but in the meantime if you want to you could try and identify some small tasks to do. I think breaking it down and not trying to solve everything all at once can help with feeling overwhelmed.

Some things I have done - checked exact amount on mortgage, worked out rough value of house, worked out a rough estimate of how much I could borrow, started to look at all outgoings, started to look at childcare options.

Maybe just pick one or two of these to begin with. Having the information really helps.

The other thing someone advised me was try to identify your two most important aims - accept you might not get them or may have to flex them but use them to guide you.

For example for me I know we will have to sell the house but I would like to try and stay in it for 12 - 18 months - as at that point I could afford a higher mortgage, plus it gives me time to decide where I can live, should I change jobs etc. I’m therefore talking to my husband and also identifying things I could do to stay in the house - so getting a lodger, reducing child care etc. It has helped me feel a little more in control.

It is very hard though, I am also telling the children after Christmas. Awful as it will be I hope I will feel better after that as at least things will be in the open and moving into the next phase with its challenges.

One other small thing I have done is tried to make my bedroom a bit nicer - nothing major, just keeping it tidy, using the nicer bed covers. I may even get a bunch of flowers for Christmas.

Although it may seem like it you are not alone.

Great advice from crumpets - be nice to yourself and get a grip on the finances. Maybe also start noticing and appreciating the good things about not having DH around - moments or things you can now do freely and happily. flowers

Been there and done that. What everyone says about the solicitors is important but first thing you need to do is call a friend you can confide in and take time for you. You hold it together for the kids etc but no matter how mutual and necessary this is it’s still the end of something huge and you will need time to grieve. Let yourself have that time. Don’t leave it until you crack and don’t do i round the kids. Make you time now.

The first year for me was hell but that was nearly 5 years ago now. I’ve now got a gorgeous new guy who I love very much and treats me very well. Chin up. You can do this x

Thank you all, it's much appreciated. I have got a solicitor's appt in the first week of Jan. And I've sorted out child benefit and council tax, little steps but it does feel good.

I'm feeling really sad that I told my closest group of friends by email and I've only heard back from a couple of them. I know it's unreasonable of me and I expect it's a mixture of them not knowing what to say plus Xmas busyness, but I can't imagine not sending them at least a supportive message in the same circumstances. I can feel my hermit tendencies taking over, I would be having a duvet day if it weren't for the children.

I'm also feeling scared because I'm not earning and will struggle to do so before DS starts school in Sept because of limited pre-school childcare, so that's 8 months of getting by.

My H is also starting to get really aggressive about access, but I really struggle with him still coming round to the house to do 2 week night bedtimes with the children. But I think if I try to stop him then he will kick off. I think the children will be able to stay over at a new flat he's getting in about a month's time, but I still instinctively think they are too young for mid-week sleepovers at his (they are only 3 and 5yo).

Sorry, this has turned into a dump of all my worries. Thank you for the support and advice. I'm going to try to park all of this and take some time for family fun, time for the DCs to post their Santa letters (so late!) and decorate the Christmas cake. to you all.

newbie My DC are identical ages - my husband also doing three bath and beds and will have them sundays after Xmas. It is hard.

I’m sorry about your friends - I guess the reality is people do just have busy lives. They have probably thought of you but just not found the time to express what they want to say.

I’d be happy to be a virtual friend

Totally agree with crumpets advice.

I am a very practical person and I've spent my time looking at those aspects - putting together spreadsheets of the outgoings and plans going forward and drawing up lists of things to do.

Dh just got the keys to his rental place yesterday and the plan is to have Christmas and then tell kids between Christmas and New Year. His place is literally half a mile from where we live now so hopeful that the kids will feel comfortable about going round and spending as much time with him as possible.

He has already been spending nights away at his brothers and will be at his new place tonight and then Boxing Day and we've just told the kids he is round his mates. Kids are older (16 and 11) so less dependant and don't really seem to suspect anything as far as I can tell. Eldest very much has his own life and is very busy and generally I'm the one who is in house for them when they leave for school/come home etc so in terms of day to day routine things shouldn't change too much.

It's been a rollercoaster but I know it's the right decision as neither of us have been happy for some time (dh initiated this and I know I would never have done but now it's happened I genuinely feel as if he's done me a massive favour). I'm cautiously optimistic about the future, looking forward to living alone (with dc obviously) for the first time in my life (we got together while we were young). In general I am quite a loner, not a big one for massive social gatherings and happy just pottering around and spending time with close family and a couple of good friends.

In the last couple of weeks I've been spending a lot of time doing things in the house, painting, tidying (admittedly doing some things that I wanted to do but dh didn't!!). I am hoping I can stay in the house at least until eldest finishes his exams next summer, fortunately the relationship with dh is ok and he wants to do everything he can so that we can stay here too but we will just have to see how things work out - we have some joint debt that would be wiped out by selling but then basically we'd both be starting again with nothing and Id have no deposit to buy so more than likely would just be renting.

I hope everyone else isn't finding this time of year too hard.

Also newbie3 I didn't think your post was pathetic at all, you sound very brave to me. I have gone from being a sobbing wreck about a month ago to finally starting to feel positive. And I am very lucky really, basically the split is very amicable and even though there have been tough times (and I'm sure there will be more to come once we've told the kids) I am just trying to focus on my "new life" and there is a small part of me that is excited at the prospect.