Kids don't want to see dad

[Deswal]

Hi, i am at the starting stages of divorce. My husband has ignored solicitor letters and mediation letters. He is sat in the house (which is owned jointly) whilst me and the kids are at my parents'.
He refuses to provide financial support and is not contributing to the mortgage payment.
I have been over to the house to collect letters etc and he hasn't been cleaning at all - the bathrooms are in a terrible way too.
He has now asked to have the kids on random days and he will message totally out of the blue. My eldest (8) gets upset when i even mention he goes over to see his dad and is flat out refusing now.
What do i do? I am at the starting stages of mediation and don't want it to look like i'm stopping him from seeing the kids. I was hoping to resolve this mess before christmas, but due to his lack of cooperation, it is taking so much longer than i had expected.
Is anyone in or been in a similar situation?
He refuses to talk to me and all contact is done via text message so it is very hard to have any normal kind of conversation either.

If the children are refusing to go then tell him by text that the children do not want to see him.
They cannot be forced to see him especially if it causing them distress.

What a complete bastard to have his children have to leave home and for him to both not pay the mortgage and then to keep the place like a pigsty.

You need to be careful as far as your child is concerned. Get it logged with your solicitor that your son doesn't want to see him.

It doesn't sound like he is going to mediate. I'd suggest issuing proceedings ASAP. Get application in for maintenance pending suit.

Suggest that your son talks to someone at school about how he is feeling. Get it logged. If he doesn't want to go then don't send him. Tell him the reasons.

You and him have separated, he isn't divorcing the children, just you.

Encourage your child to see his Dad. Your divorce proceedings and how much money you aim to get out of him during it, is completely separate to his relationship with his kids.

If he was the resident parent, I'm sure they'd try to prove their loyalty to him and say they didn't want to see you too.

Encourage your child, make your communication with your ex about your children not about finances and assets you want to take during divorce.

Both of your relationship with the children should come first above anything else.

He's very clearly expecting you to come back. you need to see a solicitor and start the ball rolling on the divorce and maintenance.

Thanks so much for your replies. I will get it logged with the solicitor tomorrow.
I am finding things very difficult at the moment - i kick started things in september hoping that i could at least be in my house with the kids for christmas, but as everyone keeps saying, "he's playing a game."
If it wasn't for my parents, i would seriously be on the streets.
When this all started, i literally had £5/6 in my bank account - i asked him for money for the kids' school uniforms and he flat out refused that too.

Can a family member go with the kids?

Hi, i have been encouraging my eldest at every chance i get, but i feel like i'm the only one making the effort. He hasn't attended parents evening, school nativity etc.
The reason i felt i had to get some advice here is because it has been nearly 4 months and it has become so bad that my eldest cries and gets distraught if i even mention going over. The house is in an incredibly bad state too so it is difficult.

Have you not contacted the Child Maintenance Service for an assessment?

I would definitely try and encourage, but not force your son to see him. I went through this with my 10 yr old - he was angry with his dad, and refusing to see him, then fighting with his dad and breaking stuff when he did go - and constantly ringing me in the middle of the night to go and collect him.
His dad decided this was all too much hassle, and now only sees them once a month for a couple of hours, which break my sons heart. I guess what i'm trying to say is that your son probably won't always feel like this, so as long as you're encouraging him to go and listening when he doesn't want to, then that's the most you can do for now.
I would second the PP who suggested getting someone at school for your son to talk to. My son starting seeing the school counsellor shortly after his dad left and it has really helped him enormously.
Btw - your Ex sounds like a complete and utter twat - be proud of yourself for walking away, and know that things will get better, but it will take time.
xx

Tell your STBH that he needs to sort himself out, as it's so bad that his DC do not want to see him. You can't fix him, he has to do it himself.

The family home seems to be a trigger for your DC? Perhaps you could suggest seeing him with the DC, not in the family home, but somewhere neutral, the playground, a restaurant or similar. I think it would help your DC if you were both present, if you can pull it off?