In disbelief...

[allypally11]

My ex partner is a drug dealer, and a heavy drug user. During my pregnancy he became abusive, mentally and twice physically during the pregnancy.

Evidence I have is his toxicology report - shows heavy drug use to lighter most recent (he delayed the drug test by 2 - 3 months as well!) and he told my midwife he was a drug dealer (she is head of midwives) which is in her statement. Also evidence: he used to call the hospital, any maternal department and say I was crazy and should be locked up. He called me a vessel for carrying his child and that he will take her from me. I have this on text messages. And more.

Yet I got an email from my solicitor today that stated the judge wanted to give parental responsibility and allow contact? What the actual f? I've had social services involved, an independent domestic violence advisor...what is going on. I've left the UK to be safe from him and his suppliers AND I have a non molestation against him. I cannot even get my head around this.

I have so much more. The fact I offered mediation to his family throughout my pregnancy, and again to his mother after - no response. I met with her and she said when he was arrested he told everyone it was because I harmed the baby....
She said so many things that were lies she was told by her son, and how he was going to court to get my daughter because I was an unfit mum. I recorded the whole thing without his mother knowing so I have as much evidence because this is madness yet no one wants to sit down and hear it all and keep my child safe.
I made a mistake with him, but I don't want her to suffer my mistake.

During the pregnancy before I admitted I was in an abusive relationship I asked to have my baby adopted so that she could be safe (there is evidence of this) and yet no one seems to see that I've been concerned since falling pregnant and no one advised me on what to do just said "it would work out" - well I don't want "it will work out" I want "your daughter will be safe".

So far she is happy, learning and we are our own amazing family and I haven't looked back. I'll keep fighting for her but when I hear ridiculous stuff like this from the lawyer its like someone has punched me in the chest. How much more evidence can stare them in the face before they take me seriously?

I don't want to be in the position where they say "we made a mistake" and my daughter is hurt, or worse. Ever. I've never loved anyone more than I do her and I find it hard that a bunch of strangers listen to his lies and could put her in danger even though I present facts and evidence. I'm so saddened by this all.

Can you challenge the parental responsibility decision by asking for DNA? I wouldn't have thought the court would want to award PR when there's a question over paternity.

I have no idea, I didn't really push as I don't mind not knowing. Gives me this warm hope it's him.

I find this a bit short sighted. It may well become obvious that your friend is or isn't the father at a later date. If he isn't going to love your DD because she isn't biological his then surely it's better to know now and not later. Surely it would be better for your DD to know who her bio Dad is. I also don't understand why you wouldn't push a test to rule out your ex. If he isn't the Dad then all the problems are solved 🤷🏻‍♀️
Do you think the real reason that you and your friend are not pushing for a paternity test is because there is only a tiny chance he is the father?

Its not been awarded yet, lawyer said it will be. March 18th and 19th are the days for the "trial" (I don't get why it's two days.

There's also been drug dealing. And previous issues with police with him and one of his ex's where she felt unsafe.

I've been asking for this DNA test for months from my lawyer. Nothing has been done yet.

He loves her regardless but I think it would make everyone sad. I don't know his true reasons for not wanting it, I am not him. I am merely speculating on what he has told me.
I have been asking for a DNA test for a long time. I unfortunately believe he may be.

I spent two nights with my friend. I find it unlikely he is the father but he's been a better one regardless.

I feel so sorry for my DD. And so guilty. I just couldn't go through with an abortion and now I wonder if it was the right thing to do. She probably has a junkie drug dealer father and I have to live with that guilt. Was I selfish in keeping her with the situation I was in. When I was pregnant I was so scared he'd harm us I begged for adoption. Midwife said social will keep us safe. Now I'm looking at this situation angry that my daughter wasn't given a chance at a normal happy upbringing, instead I've left the country I know as home, I am scared for her safety, her future, her happiness. I've put my MBBS on hold and have to consider doing it in a foreign country but will the ex try to stop me? I just wish we were able to disappear.

Now I am in Poland I don't know how we would go about a paternity test. I sure as hell am not taking my daughter to the UK until we have guaranteed safety. I feel a police alarm on my phone isn't cutting it, I can't leave the house without looking over my shoulder.

I have no idea, I didn't really push as I don't mind not knowing.

Well if he is the father, problem solved. If he isn't then just quietly throw the DNA test away. But it might solve your problem. But you 'don't mind not knowing.' Despite the fact he's a violent drug user.

Ok.

I don't mind not knowing despite the fact he's a violent drug user because he's not going anywhere near my child regardless what court orders he takes. I will protect my child with my life and if I have to do community service, pay fines or go prison for her, I would!

I keep saying I've wanted to do a DNA test in the UK but my lawyer hasn't brought it up in court and I don't know why. That way I don't have to force my friend to do it. I keep asking him here and there.

I will have to say it myself in court if that's the case but we are abroad so I don't know how they will go about it.

You can do it yourself privately. The fact that he refuses to would make me question his place in her life if he has the ability to possibly solve this but just doesn't want to.

I will protect my child with my life and if I have to do community service, pay fines or go prison for her, I would!

Who would get custody of her while you were in prison?

But how would I make sure it would be seen by the courts as an official record? Would a Dr know where to get one? I can get a GP appointment here and have them do a test with ID etc.

Well hopefully my mother, social services have said they would never put her in his care. Its very rare courts put mothers in prison for ignoring court orders, I've only heard one woman going many years ago for 3 months max. If my mother was taking care of her I'd go chill in prison for 3 months but I'd prefer community service for 18 years, I do charity work anyway and have always been involved with something be it homeless charity, gardening for disabled children and helping communities look after the elderly.

The court will have their own procedures in place for testing I think. You need to speak to your solicitor about disputing paternity and get advice about whether there's anything you should do before the hearing or whether you'd be better off asking for testing at the hearing itself. I don't see how they can go ahead with granting PR if there's a question over whether he is actually the father though.

She is really...testing my nerves. I can never get hold of her (the solicitor) and I've asked her multiple times if I can have a test done, then when I left the UK can I get the test done in Europe with an accredited lab via a doctor and she just never gets back to me about it or talks about something else.

I'm so tired of this all and I have a feeling it will continue for years and years.

Ally just get the test done locally with your friends DNA, once you know who the father is then that changes everything.
If it’s the druggy then you know the long term fight you have.
If it’s your friend then great, keep pushing the uk solicitor for an official dna test, the court proceedings are over as the dna is negative.

I agree FLS. The whole thing sounds off. Does the Court even know that the child is overseas? Because if so, what is the point of litigation when the competent court is elsewhere? The Hague requirement is "rights of custody" rather than Parental Responsibility, so if the child was removed from England after the likely father issued his application, he would still have Hague standing, but he needs to have applied for the child's return, and I can't see what the English court is doing hearing it without a return scheduled.

No one even bothered asking me if he was definitely the father, I just had court papers against me so I went along to the hearings without speaking as the barrister does it all, I said to the barrister that we need to confirm hes the father and she said okay. She just turns up to my hearings but the solicitor does the footwork.

The one before was a junior and she was amazing! Always got everything done, listened to me, called me regularly. This one is 2 months late renewing my legal aid...

I was told by my solicitor my daughter has UK jurisdiction because she was born there, everyone has me down as British (idk they just don't ask if I'm British or not just put it down...?!) even though I keep trying to correct them I am not I was just born in the UK that didn't entitle me to British Citizenship just been existing in the UK lol.

The courts time has been wasted soooo much with ex failing to do drug tests and using every excuse and me being dragged around courts and some not having protective measures where my ex and his mackenzie friend were staring at me through a door. Its been horrid.

Courts do know the child is overseas, its why I didn't turn up to one of the hearings. Ex hasn't applied for anything and I had started initiating my move in March after my grandmother had two strokes. That was before the court papers came in June I think it was, the 22nd I got the court papers. I have evidence of starting our passports in March just I couldn't leave sooner as I wanted to finish the section 7 report for the courts then I left.

With he Hague standing, from what lawyers here tell me, if he applies Poland is notorious for being slow and she is now a habitual resident and national of Poland so they will be fighting to have jurisdiction here where they are not keen on drug dealers and drug users to be involved.

I am in Poland looking after my grandmother and I had envisioned coming back to the UK if possible, but my lawyer said to apply for permission to relocate which I don't know how I'd go about coming back to the UK when grandmama you know, passes at some point :/

I fear that move may put a block on me coming back to the UK even though it's the only thing I have known. I'd manage in Europe though just would prefer to be in London with my parents.

Then even if I get everything sorted in Poland he could just take me to court again in the UK its just tiring I hope he finds a new gf and impregnantes her as he's slow as hell, he'll forget about us quickly.

I just want to do the 1 paternity test so it will have to be UK court approved so I shall wait until then. Or email the court and ask the judge what I can do to not waste more time? Perhaps there are labs or can be sent to a doctor and ex goes to his dr and we do it that way. I can't afford 2 paternity tests I'm not shitting money I'm begging it from family. Any more spending and I will have to sell my butt on a street corner to pay for all of this haha - got to have a sense of humour still eh.

pregnant women have tests every week or two so drugs would have come up something else that isn't true. There are many holes lies in your story OP...

My ex claimed I was a drug user and mentally unstable so my midwife had me do additional tests through the pregnancy and I was seen by antenatal psychiatrists at the hospital due to this. Every allegation of his was taken seriously through my pregnancy and I did nothing but prove them all wrong. Every time he called the hospital saying his bull shit how I should be locked up and that I was losing the plot I had a midwife call me and request I come for an extra appointment. I basically lived at that hospital due to this.
I don't know if posting factual evidence taking out my daughters name and my own would somehow affect my court case because I have nothing to hide.

@FLS

Don't worry, I have been reading up on past cases with the Hague since my Solicitor was all "YOU'VE ABDUCTED A CHILD". Now she said she wants me to get the permission from courts to leave when we are next in court. Then I don't know how going back to the UK would look once my grandmama passes as I am only here due to her not being able to live alone.

Seriously this solicitor is hard work I can't even get through to her.

I'm no expert FLS, but PR isn't a relevant concept under Hague. The convention talks about rights of custody, (differentiated from rights of access) but that can include rights to make decisions about (eg) religion or health, so if the father here were seeking PR before removal, which seems to be the case, then he might well come within Hague.

Although there doesn't seem to be a Hague application, so who knows what's going on here and why the court has accepted jurisdiction.

Nope and he was informed I had left the country so he seems to have been in every right to apply via the Hague. He was not represented by a lawyer so it is completely possible he is just unaware, or he doesn't want the costs.

My only protection is that I started arrangements to leave in March (embassy correspondence) and have a doctors letter that my grandmother cannot live alone so he cannot claim that it was my aim to abduct.

My aunt was flying back and forth every weekend and used all her holiday, as I earn the least out of the whole family it made sense for me to help my grandmother with my aunt and father (grandmothers children) helping my daughter and I financially.

I am assuming the court accepted jurisdiction because I fly back for the hearings?

It seems getting a dna test yourself is the best way forward and would negate all drama if druggie isn’t the dad....

Lawyer finally agreed to ask the courts for a DNA test today so I am waiting on which company to use so it is accepted by the courts and if they want it to be druggy or my friend to take the test.

If its my friend then we will have to pay, if its court ordered for the druggy then legal aid pays. Either way idm, but I don't want to pay for one if I have to do another anyway for the court to respect it.

That's a good step forward OP, I will keep everything crossed it's your friend who's DD's dad

I hope so too. Probably find out end of Feb though, with Christmas, New Year, before the courts get back to us and figuring out which company.

Thank you though :) I hope so too.

The fact is a DNA test could change everything. Not only that it would end a long, expensive legal battle if it proves your ex is not the father. Surely your lawyer and the courts should be advised right at the start that there is doubt who the father is. You are withholding information that could be important.

Just saw your update, hopefully the DNA result is in your favour.

I mentioned I wasn't sure he was the father a long, long time ago.

I was scared to mention it in court in case the ex went crazy at me, even with the non molestation in place. A piece of paper isn't going to stop him if hes angry and "seeing red" as he puts it. The second I left the country months ago I said we need a DNA test because I knew even if ex got angry that I slept with someone else - he can't hurt me as I am not in the UK. So I realise I did delay it for perhaps 2 months and didn't mention it but I truly did not feel safe, and with reason - I have his threats on messaging anyway.

I hope so too, it would be a blessing to have her have an amazing father like my friend. Either way she has him though, which I can only be thankful for.