After 8 years of putting up with various addictions (drugs, porn/sex/masturbation, gambling), shitty behaviour (dating profiles, anger issues, escapism, inability to adult) I've decided that enough is enough, and I've told him that we are separating.
We have two kids, DS 10 (who has ADHD) and DD 8, as well as two dogs, two cats and three chooks. We have a great house in a great area close to the kids' school. We've paid off about 30% of the mortgage, although as my dad lent us some money for the deposit, we'd have to pay him back a reasonable chunk from the equity if/when we sell.
H works overseas on a FIFO contract, where he works 3 weeks on (12 hours a day 7 days a week with one RDO per swing), but then has 3 weeks off. He was overseas when I initiated the separation, which wasn't ideal, but I couldn't keep pretending any more. He earns really good money, but hates his job as it's long good and boring. I work full time locally, and earn an ok wage, and enjoy my job. We actually work exactly the same number of hours when averaged over 6 weeks.
H hasn't taken it very well, was in denial for a fair time, and still thinks we should try again. He has undiagnosed mental health issues, most likely mild bipolar (that's what the GP thought, but can't be properly diagnosed without a psychiatrist); he isn't great at managing it out reaching out for help, which is why we're in this position in the first place. If he gets diagnosed with bipolar, he will most likely lose his job due to its nature. I also have a predilection to depression and anxiety, but I try and keep this in check with exercise.
So the plan is for me to move into the spare room when he gets back from overseas (just before Christmas) as he has repeatedly stated he won't move out. We're going to try and keep up appearances for the kids over Christmas, and tell them once he gets back from his next swing in early Feb. We're going to try separating under one roof as this seems to make the best sense given his work away half the time, and lack of money to pay for a second home/rental. Having said that, I am keeping my eyes open for a temporary way to not be at home when he is, such as renting a room locally through AirBnB, or similar.
I was hoping in the long term that my family might be able to help me buy out H's equity so the kids don't have to move, but after a conversation with my dad where the first thing he said after I said we were separating was "don't forget you owe me money if you sell the house", I'm guessing that any assistance, financial or otherwise will not be forthcoming. So long term options will most likely be me and H selling the family home and buying two separate houses. H wants 50% custody at least., but being honest, I don't think that will necessarily be the best for the kids, given his previous behaviours.
I haven't sought legal advice yet, but I will.
I'm well established into the emotional rollercoaster, and experienced several highs and lows already. I know I have mountains of shit to wade through before I get to a good place again. I have a good supportive GP, I've been visiting a relationship counsellor by myself, and I have good friends who can offer emotional support and advice. What I don't have is any physical/ logistical support. I live in Brisbane, Australia, but all my family are in the UK, so I have nobody to help out with the kids, other than asking for favours from friends.
My typical day when H is away is up at 5.30, take the dogs for a run (also helps my metal health), back home, get kids ready for school (they pretty much suck at doing stuff for themselves), make their packed lunches, feed cats, feed chickens, drop kids off at before school care at around 7.15, cycle or train to work, work 8 hour day, cycle or train home, pick kids up from after school care just before 6, drop kids at home, take dogs for 10 minute walk, get dinner on, feed dogs, feed cats, dinner served around 7, kids take forever to eat, usually done by 8 (I'll go shopping a couple off times a week between 7.30 and 8.30, leaving kids at home), tidy up, kids in bed by 8.30 to 9, I collapse on the sofa, then I'm in bed by 10. Some evenings we have scouts or hockey as well. It is exhausting, and I don't know what I can do to make it easier. We have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight to clean bathroom and kitchen, vacuum and mop floors etc. I try and get the kids a bit more involved, but they have a long day too, and are pretty exhausted both in the morning and evening.
So anyway, there you have it. I don't even know if there's a reason to say all this other than self pity, and for someone to tell me it will get better. Right now I'm panicking that I've fucked everybody's lives up, that I'll be uprooting the kids from the family home that they love, all for my selfishness of not being able to put up with my husband being a dickhead any more.
If you got this far, have a gold star. Thanks.