Panicking

[Ilovecrumpets]

My husband told me last night he doesn’t love me and isn’t willing to try to improve things and left to stay with a friend.

Things haven’t been great for a while but he wouldn’t really engage to change things. I have supported him for the last 7 years whilst he followed his dream.

He has said he will want the kids 50/50. We will have to sell our house as we live in London, I don’t even know what I would be able to afford. I have no savings or family near by. We are currently just affording a nanny ( lucky I know) but will have to look for other childcare. I have two DC 2 and 6.

I’m so heartbroken for my DC and I can’t bear the thought of not being with them.

I don’t know what to do - I just feel sick and in a panic. I’ve got to get up and act normally for my DC.

I remember those feelings all to well.

You need legal advice as soon as possible.
Just because he wants 50/50 split doesn't mean you have to agree to it.

And do not agree to do anything with the house until you've had advice. If you have no savings this will be your biggest bargaining chip in terms of agreeing finances. My divorce was reasonably amicable, but once the house had been sold without a consent order in place the financial goal posts started moving.

Today you need to focus on you and your kids. Take them out somewhere and make some memories, keep busy and keep calm.

Thank you hold

Currently going through this.

Do not agree to anything without legal advise. Stbx tried to get me to agree stuff that would have left me with nothing.

What are your current childcare arrangements now? What are yours and his work hours?

Currently we are lucky and have a nanny - 7.30 - 6.30 mon to weds and shorter thirs. I work 4 days and wfh on the Thursday - but an hour commmute. I am the one that usually does nanny handover. I am also the higher earner. His hours are longer as starting out on a career.

Eldest in school and youngest 3 soon. School doesn’t have a breakfast club and after school clubs end at 5. I just worry about so much upheaval for them - not just the separation but having to move from house to small flat, plus change in childcare. I guess I could maybe talk to my work and try and find before school morning care and then finish at 4. I will have to go back to 5 days.

I know I am priveleged to have the options I do at the moment. I was sole cater to the kids for half the year until recently due to him following his dream. I had PND and could afford childcare so lost lots of my friends. If I could I’d move back next to my family and old friends but I know I can’t because the kids need to see him.

Sorry that should have read ‘carer’ and couldn’t afford ‘babysitting’ not child care.

I spent my savings when I had PND getting some help with the kids because I was on my own and couldn’t cope. So I have nothing now.

I feel for you so much. This period of shock and uncertainty is the very worst. Do not accept 50/50. You can fight this. He can’t dictate to you the terms you part on, he has just hit you with all of this and you need time to process what is happening and to find a way that will take you through.

Mumsnet was a lifeline when this happened to me. There are so many of us who have lived through this shock and fear and despair. Sending you strength. This next bit is going to be so tough but you WILL come through it.

Thank you intheair I do feel better just for posting and for the kind responses. I do feel quite shaky and almost like I am in shock.

I’m sorry for everyone who has been through this.

There are many families who go through this. Take heart in that most of us are far happier now than we were married. This is the worst that you are going to feel, it may last a while, but it gets easier.

Thanks hold. I’m finding it hard not to cry when I look at my kids and think that I won’t be with them every day. I feel like I’ve let them down so badly.

Wait.. slow down. It might not be that bad. Could you pay the mortgage by yourself? If so you might not need to move.

Then, if you can’t affors to pay the mortgage, or a nanny which allows you to work then it might be a necessary decision to move back to your friends and family, unless your ex will actually do half the day to day childcare?

It also sounds like your used to being on your own while your ex chased his dream- you sound strong, you will be able to do this & your children will adapt and cope xox

Sorry for posting again - my husband came back yesterday. He won’t tell me what is happening, I’ve asked him when he is going to have his ‘time away’ and he says he doesn’t know. Given he has said he doesn’t want to try and see if things can be sorted I’m finding it unbearable. He said some horrible things to be that now I feel self conscious in my own home. It is like he can’t follow through on his decision - I’m actually wondering if he is trying to push me to do something so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

I think my kids can sense something is up as they are both being very clingy to me. I keep trying to think of my life going forwards but it is like I can’t even see it - we have been together 17 years. I can’t see how I can give my kids a life as a single parent in London with no family help. It just feels like it will be a constant struggle. But he will never agree to leave London and I don’t want my kids to never see their dad.

I feel like a child - I just want to grab my kids and go home to my mum and sister.

It’s ok, you’ll be ok. Keep posting and you’ll get lots of support on here. It’s important to find someone IRL to talk to. When you feel ready though. My counsellor said that I was better able to help my children as I’d had time to prepare myself. This is clearly a huge shock for you. His reasons can’t be good. Sorry but prepare yourself for him to have someone else in the wings. Hang in there. You’ll be ok. You don’t have a choice. Read some old posts on here and you’ll feel stronger. Good luck 💐

My husband has been away with work a couple of days but is back today. It’s making me feel really sick to my stomach. My mum is also coming to stay for the weekend - she knows. I’m just dreading the weekend so much. It’s not been so bad the last few days, I’ve gone into work then just me and the kids. Set up solicitors appointments etc.

How are you? I’ve been thinking about you, this is the time of year it happened to me and it’s exhausting and so hard. If you come back to this thread let us know how you are xx

Hi intheair thank you for checking in - that is very kind. I found the support here very helpful, and have posted on some other threads.

It’s hard to say how things are - my husband is now definitely moving out in January. I’m trying to put on a good Christmas for the kids. It’s hard but I have to do it for them - I’m so worried about them. I’ve had to stop thinking too much about the future - I’d like to try and stay in the house for 6 months to a year so trying to work out if possible.

I’m still very up and down and my heart breaks for my kids. I have noticed however when he isn’t around ( a lot now as he has given up any pretence of being reliable for the kids, just goes out all the time) I am more relaxed and the house and the kids are calmer/more peaceful. I hadn’t quite realised how dominating he was over us all or how unpleasant he had become to me. The weirdest thing is he is now acting as if we can be good friends - sends me random friendly texts all the time, tries to sit and watch tv with me, lets me know where he is - all things I have asked for for years. It’s hurtful as it as if everything meant nothing and he just has moved on.

I hope you are now in a good place!

This is the hardest part, that you’re going through now. I’m sorry it’s lasting so long for you. Once he’s gone it will feel a relief. It did for me. He moved out on Boxing Day, which was horrific but it was done.

You will find strength in the children. Good on you for keeping December lovely for them, I was determined to do that too. I am making it such a focus now, relieved I’m now two years on. And am doing ok! Sometimes I still feel devastated but increasingly things feel positive and good - the divorce is through and the kids are fine.

Keep posting whenever it helps. It’s so helpful to have someone to listen and I’m here and understand so much.

Thank you intheair