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To those already divorced/separated - how do you cope with not being with you children all the time?

10 replies

ConfusedBiscuit · 15/11/2017 12:39

I'm really struggling with this at the moment.

I have no choice but to leave my marriage, it cannot continue. I don't know what the outcome would be from the divorce re custody, but I'm just not sure how I would cope if I can only see my children 50% of the time for instance.

I know I need to put their needs first and that they need to spend time with their father. I just didn't expect to be separated from them at this stage in their lives. Can anyone with experience tell me what this is actually like?. If it is something you get used to?.

OP posts:
ConfusedBiscuit · 15/11/2017 12:41

Sorry for maddening typo in subject - I wish we could edit posts.

OP posts:
mrssapphirebright · 15/11/2017 13:34

I'm 6 years post divorce and my do are teens now. Have 60/40 4 nights me, 3 him and eow access with Exh. We usually split school holidays 50/50 too. We work it round both of our jobs which helps.

In it gonna lie, the early days are rough. And I'm still not the same 6 years later. You don't feel like a proper family anymore and sometimes don't feel like a proper mum. You have to give yourself a stern talking to in the moments you feel sorry for yourself and miss them.

I have a good amicable relationship with exh and he only lives round the corner. I speak to my dc every day I don't see them. Now they are teens it's more fluid, but even when we first divorced we were both flexible.

I am remarried too, but sometimes still miss the crazy when they aren't here. I work full time and we have 2 dogs so I'm always busy.

I use my child free weekend to sleep, so chores and spend quality time with dh. I see them most school days as they have to walk past mine on the way to school so even the school nights they are with their dad I see them for 5. They have their own moniles now so I can find them whenever I want.

ConfusedBiscuit · 15/11/2017 17:04

Thanks for your honest reply Sapphire.

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Onlymeeeeee · 16/11/2017 07:21

My stbExH made a lot of noise about "joint custody" but in reality enjoys the single life too much to want to give up time to see his children at weekends so he has them on a Wednesday only. This might change once the court get him to move out but right now i would see a weekend away from my children as an opportunity to self care. I could nap, read, run, swim without them. It would also be cheaper as he'd feed them!
I think what I'm trying to say is look for the silver lining?
I love my children dearly but I am realistic that time away from them can help me be better when I am with them.

Unsurewhattod0 · 16/11/2017 10:39

I see my kids 3 days per week. I focus on quality time not quantity. One thing you must do is not to interfere with how the ex partner parents the kids when they are with them (unless it's dangerous), it can be hard to let go of the control but you must for their sake and your own sanity. Do not be tempted to micro manage, comment or set any conditions. You'll only build resentment from your ex. Keeping to an agreed routine is key to a smooth co-parenting relationship and most importantly.....never ever use the kids as weapons or spies against your ex, kids are smart and will click on fast and will end up resenting you for it.

WasDoingFine · 16/11/2017 17:22

How old are they?

Mine are 14yrs and 10yrs. We separated 5 months ago.

MirandaWest · 16/11/2017 17:27

I split up with XH 6.5 years ago. DC are 13 and 12 and basically with XH every other weekend and a night or two in the week. I see them more as they generally come here after school.

I am also remarried - DSS is older and left home so there are times when there are no DC here. Sometimes I still hate it. Generally I just get on with it and it is good sometimes to have time either on my own or with DH.

But overall it is better than being with XH.

ConfusedBiscuit · 16/11/2017 18:34

They are 9 year old twins.

I know what you mean about finding the silver lining. I work away from home sometimes so am used to this and can cope with having a certain amount of time child free.

I suspect my OH will also push hard on custody, just to spite me as much as anything else. He does so many activities/hobbies in the weekends and evenings that I’m not sure how it would actually work out in reality.

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Onlymeeeeee · 17/11/2017 12:23

@confusedbiscuit he may well push hard until he realises that having the children means well, having the children, and then he'll be back pedalling hard to only have them when it suits. My stbExH has gone back to his teenage years and would rather spend his time off work drinking and slobbing on his mates sofa, he's not seen his children for 8 weekends except the fact he lives in the same house

WasDoingFine · 17/11/2017 13:27

To be honest l don't find it that awful when my boys are away. I use that opportunity to catch up at home and see friends.

I'd really like to start a new hobby but l just don't know what.

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