I know there are no magic answers. But I sort of hope writing this all out will help me process things.
I have been with my husband for nearly 15 years, married for just over 11. We have always had an issue with rows - we can both be fiery and I get very defensive very easily. But, whilst we always acknowledged that we needed to be better at communicating, we thought that at least it meant we weren't bottling things up. And we loved each other. We were so close, always cuddling up and affectionate. Sex life went a bit after we had our first child (now 8 1/2) but still attracted to each other. We lost a son 5 1/2 years ago, and both felt that we became closer. Whilst I was off work then, we moved house and planned to extend, with an annex for my mum to live in. We had another child (now 3 1/2) and things were really good.
He is very charming (sales) and is a good listener. He has always been friendly with the women at work, but I was never worried (apart from thinking they might try something, but I trusted him implicitly). Recently, we have seen friends' marriages break up, and it was down to lack of communication, which we didn't think was an issue.
About 18 months ago, he started to lose weight, eating differently and running/cycling. He seemed to change a lot, but we still had lots of fun and enjoyed spending time together. I struggled a little that he wanted to spend so much of his free time without me, but I didn't begrudge him wanting to change, I was pleased he was being healthier and he was happy.
Over the summer I started to hear a lot about a girl at his work, from our daughters rather than him (they would often go into work with him on his day off if he had to drop ppw or sign docs) and then my eldest mentioned that they had spent a Sunday together (when I was working). I asked him what was going on, and if he had anything to tell me. He said that he was unhappy in the relationship. That he had been for 6 years, that he had been tempted to cheat on me but hadn't.
We stopped the extension build (which was due to start the following week) and talked about what to do. He almost moved out, but we both said we wanted to save the relationship and try counselling. So he stayed and we started to get plans in place to see a therapist, but had to wait a few weeks for an appointment.
One evening, I was watching TV and the main character found out her husband was cheating, and it made me so uncomfortable. It felt really familiar. The next morning, I found his phone and read his messages to the girl at work. He was talking about dreaming about her the night before. I confronted him, and he admitted that since the previous conversation, he had slept with her a couple of times. He said he would move out. I spent the day with a friend, and when I got home, I said that he could stay. That I still wanted to be with him, and still wanted to try therapy. But he said he wanted to live alone. He said he had finished it with the girl (A*, she is 23).
We did a few weeks of therapy, talking about what the issues were and we were supposed to have a session on what we thought needed to change. At the beginning of the session he said he thought it was too far gone. That we had too much to change, and by continuing the process, it risked hurting each other more, upsetting the children and he didn't think it would work anyway.
That was about a month ago. Since then, I feel I've totally unraveled. He is now seeing A again. I know they've been sleeping together. I don't know when it started again. I saw them last week, walking round the shops together, holding hands.
I miss him so much. I haven't been apart from him for more than a few nights since I was 18. I'm 33 now, and he is 39.
I thought this might be some kind of mid life crises, I know he has been changing a lot over the last year or so, and maybe he needed to change more than just his diet. I know he said he felt unhappy for 6 years, but clearly something changed recently. Up until a few months ago he was posting about how much he loved me on facebook etc.
I can't stop crying, my mind turns over and over what he said, and what I said. What he might be saying to her. How I can get him back. What I can do to show him he should be with me.
I don't know what to do.