I talked to my husband (soon to be ex) in January last year about wanting to separate - we had been unhappy for years and whilst I'd tried to communicate to him about it, turns out he just wasn't listening. He took the separation really hard and hasn't really processed his grief.
Although he was SAHD (in name only - didn't enrich the children's lives or care for house), he moved out (his choice). I bought the house off him; he's had around 55% equity from the house; gives me no maintenance and has supported childcare - largely on his terms - to allow me to keep working by having them one (and since May this year, some weeks 2 nights) overnight a week.
He has had them for 8 weekend nights - 7 of those were arranged with less than 24 hours' notice. I could go on about his behaviour and his rants at me for ending the relationship with 'no warning' but they won't add to the context!
In August, he confronted me and said he thought I was seeing someone (I am, have been since beginning March -over a year since we separated); he told me that he's been seeing someone since August (4 months after we separated).
In September, I told him my new partner had picked me and our girls (age 10 and 6) up from the airport because the taxi had let me down. I also told him, that, after they'd met my friend (who they've heard me talk about over the previous 6 months) I said he'd asked me out on a date. I told him how the 10 year old reacted to this news (my Mum died when I was 12, so I had some experience to draw on from a parent starting dating) and how I was intending to support her and move at a really slow pace of introductions.
That night, around 11pm,I got a series of angry, venting texts about how wrong it was of me. This continued for weeks; I kept trying to ask to talk face to face, but he insisted on texting. This wasn't helpful and I kept cutting them short because they were searching/demanding and I found them abusive and, towards the end, quite scary (regarding his state of mind). I also got the locks changed on my house, because I was worried about him (he has history of anger/rage).
At the beginning of October, I invited my partner to have a 'fun day' with my children and me, I let my 10 year old choose what we did - she chose to stay at home. So we went for a dog walk; had some lunch; played a board game and he left. 6 year old really likes him; 10 year old needs much more time.
Ex demanded that I give him assurances my partner will never spend the night in the house while the girls are here. I refused to give such assurance, but said it wouldn't happen until I'm satisifed it's an appropriate time.
Cue more texts in the early hours. We met face to face, had a really reasonable conversation for 2.5 hours. Then at 4am I got more texts (he smokes weed heavily, so I assume he gets stoned, paranoid and vents) saying he's actually not happy and can't believe I allowed my partner to spend time with us after he told me his concerns (which, understandably are around another man being around his children - I get that - but primarily are around another man forming attachments with his children and vice versa). He's asked me to not let him spend more time with us.
I think it's unreasonable of him to ask; I've explained I have no problem with him introducing his gf (he seems to have taken the martyr stance and says that he will keep this part of his life separate until both children are old enough to understand); I've explained that more, responsible, warm and loving people in our children's lives can be a good thing
His concerns are: the speed of my relationship (now 8 months in); the fact that I seem to be thinking things through from my perspective and not taking into account his concerns and that he's asked me not to have contact with my partner with my children and that he thinks I'm going to go ahead and do it anyway, regardless of his fears (being replaced in their lives). To be fair, I do think I'm going to go ahead.
I know legally he has no right to keep trying to control me in this way; if he has legitimate welfare concerns, that's a different matter. I've been trying to keep things amicable (ish) to get the divorce sorted (I want a clean break consent order)
He's despairing that I have acted the way I have; I'm despairing that he's trying to control my relationship so much (with a vague link to children's wellbeing, which is my primary concern anyway).
My friends have said it's just none of his business and I need to keep moving on. But I needed some impartial input - am I being unreasonable?
Sorry for the ramble, I've tried to be concise, but there's so much I've left out, believe it or not!!!!