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Any experience of this living arrangement after separation??

7 replies

lovecamping · 26/10/2017 11:35

dh and I are in process of seperating. He has suggested we share the kids 60/40 (as he works away) which is fine by me. Kids are in their teens now. Idea is kids stay in the house whilst he & I both move out. We stay in house when it's our turn to be with kids.

However dh also suggests we buy a 2 bed flat together and share that too. We would never see each as literally we r ships that pass in the night.

I'm v hesitant, but he thinks it could work. I don't really want to move out of this house as I'm the one putting the work into the house & garden (and it wasn't me that broke our marriage).

I really need to hear other people's experiences because if it's better for the kids, I'll give it a go. Or do I fight for the house. I really don't want things to get messy.
Thanks for reading :)

OP posts:
HoneyWheeler · 26/10/2017 11:51

I haven’t been in this situation, however when my parents separated (I was 18) my Mum felt it was really important to have her own space - it helped her set new boundaries and provided clarity for her. I would probably feel the same in that situation and would like my own space to being to move forward.

Viserion · 26/10/2017 12:11

My immediate thought was what happens if either of you meet someone else?

Day to day -
Food - what if one of you ends up doing all the shopping and then the other eats it?
How often would you swap? Wouldn't you feel like you were permanently living out of a suitcase?
Do you even have enough bedrooms to have one each in the house? Or would you constantly be switching bed linen? Who does the cleaning?
Permanently sharing a bathroom with someone you no longer have a relationship with, rooting through your stuff?
Wouldn't one or other keep popping back to the other location to collect clothes or to borrow household items?
Who takes the lead on repairs, decoration, replacing things etc? Who is responsible if the washing machine packs up?
There would be no privacy.

Just thinking of the potential clashes on a superficial level makes my head spin? I can't see how it could be workable on a long term basis.

lovecamping · 26/10/2017 12:50

thank you 🤗 I was beginning to feel like I was going crazy - he kept telling me it's the best thing for the kids & better financially for us both.
Thank you Viserion, for the list of questions. I would have never put it so articulately.

OP posts:
tonga · 26/10/2017 20:36

My ex suggested this as someone recommended it to him. Think it’s American in origin. Anyway I can see some benefits to kids and we had a lovely house that he couldn’t bear to leave. But I’m so glad we did. I think it’s important to show the kids (and other people actually, even yourselves) that there’s no turning back and everyone is having a fresh start. The food/maintenance/untidiness thing would have driven me completely mad too. It’s a bit grim to think of a family home almost decaying around you as the years go by.
Good luck x

nottoallyenjoyingit · 27/10/2017 20:22

ITs called birdnesting
We’ve effectively been doing it the last 15 months- I asked my dick of a stbxh to move out last August when I found out about his multiple affairs but he’s still in the house (spare room) and showing no great sign of moving out- he doesn’t have to until the divorce is finalised and given that he is currently not signing any forms because he is burying his head in the sand- that’s not going to happen any time soon.
I would advise against it- for all the reasons above. Also I don’t trust him at all and I leave him in my house and it makes me feel physically unwell.
I guess it might work for some people but not for me.
Good luck in whatever you choose xx

babybarrister · 27/10/2017 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ferriswheel · 27/10/2017 22:59

I had to live with my stbxh for nearly 8 months.

The situation you describe is awful. It makes me shudder. You are basically keeping all the terrible aspects of your relationship and not benefiting from actually being in a relationship.

Imagine going back to the shared flat for your shift and there's no milk, the bins over flooding and the washing machine needs emptied. Omg I'm getting the rage for you.

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