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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband just gone and I don't know why.

28 replies

whyishedoingthistome · 16/10/2017 07:37

Hello
My husband always told me I was his reason for living. He was so affectionate and caring, so lovely. We had a wonderful life, children great home, happiness. I really thought he loved me - he told me often enough. I adore him. But out of the blue he now no longer feels anything for me, he has moved out and wants a new life without me in it. Our children (grown up but living at home) are as devastated and bewildered as me. He has turned into a complete stranger. He comes back for a couple of hours each day to sort out the house so it can be sold but every time I see him it's like a stab through the heart. I feel I have been completed betrayed and am so utterly disappointed that he has turned on me like this. He was my best friend and I devoted my whole life - 25 years to him. And now he can't even be bothered to read my texts! He has moved on and is clearly perfectly content with what he has done as he's posting messages on facebook and photos on instagram as if nothing has changed for him. I feel completely alone. I am dreading meeting anyone I know because I will just cry in front of them. Everytime I see happy couples it is like an icepick in me as that was how we were (or so I thought) a short while ago. He is adamant that it is over and in his words, it took him some time but 'the penny finally dropped' and he realised he no longer loves me. He won't say why. I haven't done anything to upset him and I am still the woman I always was (but older). I am in my 50s now. I am in tatters. I can't even end it though because of my children but I don't know how I can go on. It is absolute hell and I never thought I would be in this position, discarded after all these years. I don't know why I'm writing this really. He's doesn't want me any more so there's nothing else to say is there. I just feel devastated.

OP posts:
ofudginghell · 16/10/2017 07:49

So sorry op Sad
There are lots of brilliant threads in relationships section that the ladies on here post support In.
They give out the best advice and are an amazing virtual support group.

Do you think there could be someone else involved?
Sounds very odd to just up and leave without any hint of any issues.

How old are your dc?

MrsBertBibby · 16/10/2017 08:00

He comes back to prepare your home (And the children's home) for sale?

Fuck that shit. There's a whole world of sorting out to be done before you start on the teaspoons.

Install some bolts and tell him where to go.

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2017 08:10

I’m sorry op, I think you need to focus on the practicalities. Have you seen a solicitor? Make sure you understand the divorce process and what you are entitled to. Start to prepare for your own future and stop focusing on what might have been,

I’m going to say this gently, and hopefully it will make you angry not sadder, but are you sure there isn’t another woman? Men seldom leave for no reason like this.

Ps don’t lock him out, that could be seen as being unreasonable,

brilliantslight · 16/10/2017 08:16

Flowers So sorry Op that is awful. Be kind to yourself. Do you have any support? I think if he has someone else you need to protect yourself and see a solicitor.

MrsExpo · 16/10/2017 08:24

I'm so sorry that this has happened and can fully understand how devastated you must be. But ..... Please gather some strength and see a good solicitor immediately. You need to know exactly where you stand legally. Do you work and have an income of your own? Has he just arbitrarily announced that the house will be sold or have you agreed on this?

As others have said ... are you sure there's no one else involved?

Original poster
whyishedoingthistome · 16/10/2017 08:33

Thank you all for taking the time to read and for posting.
I too suspect someone else as why would you turn your whole life upside down for no reason? He denies this and is adamant there is no-one else but I just can't see that he would suddenly fall out of love with me if nothing else has changed. I can't afford to stay in our house if it is just me even though I work full time. We would have to sell. Our lives have been entwined for over two decades so sorting out the finances is going to be difficult but I know it needs doing. It's just so hard to address such matters as that is admitting it is over and I can't face that. I keep hoping he's going to come back saying he's made a terrible mistake.

OP posts:
frenchfancy · 16/10/2017 08:39

Definitely see a solicitor. I think him coming back every day is making it worse for you, I would check with the solicitor whether you can prevent this.

Don't let him control this. He can chose to leave, but you can chose the rest of your life.

crimsonlake · 16/10/2017 09:34

I am very sorry for you, now you are playing catch up as he will have planned this for quite some time. I n your highly emotional state it is very hard to consider the legalities of this but as others have said it is best to at least seek some legal advice, some solicitors do an initial free half hour.
In the mean time try and protect yourself financially and start playing detective. Go through all your joint financial stuff you can lay your hands on and make copies of everything and I mean everything. You need to protect yourself here as he will be 10 steps ahead of you.
Also take a look at the goverment funded divorce website Wikivorce it is full of fantastic advice and support. I used this to help me through my divorce and it helped me self represent in court 5 times.
Look after yourself and try to eat something, I hope you have good support around you.

StewPots · 16/10/2017 10:10

Oh OP... Flowersfor you.Please get legal advice today. I know it's all so raw right now but practically you need to protect yourself, your DC and your assets.

There's also a wealth of great support and information on the relationship boards here and on the internet. I know because I've been there myself.

Take care OP, be kind to yourself.

butterfly56 · 16/10/2017 22:56

So sorry you are going through this OP.
Sounds very much like OW involved as he cannot take the time to tell you what the problem is and he's "moved on".
I would try and leave the house when he comes round because it is a really gut wrenching feeling having to see him on a daily basis.
I feel for you as I have been in your situation and it's really so horrible I would not wish it on anyone.
The problem is that if he did come back the trust has gone and the relationship is never the same.
Flowers Flowers Flowers

Startoftheyear2017 · 17/10/2017 07:59

Hello Why, there are so many of us going through this. I had been married for 21 years and together for 25 years when my idiot STBXH did almost the same to me. Mumsnet has been a huge help to me. Lots of wise women with wise advice. But you also need support in real life. Please reach out for help from close friends and family if you can. Go and see your GP. I take anti-depressants and they've helped me cope. Everything is solvable. You have a broken heart but it sounds like you have no guilt and you have been a good wife/partner. Your DH is behaving badly but that's his choice. You have to hold on to what you know is true. Be kind to yourself and don't assume it will work out for him. See a solicitor as well. Just to give you some control. Life is hard every day, but you owe it to yourself and your DC to stand up, brush yourself down and keep on keeping on. Good luck.

ofudginghell · 18/10/2017 10:54

How are things going op?

AnnaThursday · 18/10/2017 11:53

So sorry, op Flowers
Like someone upthread said you’re playing catch-up, he’s not your friend, has spent a lot of time planning this. You'll get your wind back and come
through this, op and Mnetters will support you. You can do this op.

Original poster
whyishedoingthistome · 18/10/2017 15:52

Hi everyone and thank you again for your help.
I'm still reeling and just trying to keep it together for my children, even though they are not youngsters it is still a horrible shock for them and they don't need to see me in a state. I'm just trying to get through each day at the moment and not able to face making any plans or decisions. It's all I can do to get myself dressed in the morning to be honest. Still can't understand how someone who loved me one minute, is now willing to cause so much suffering and just turn his back and walk away.

OP posts:
scootinFun · 18/10/2017 15:56

Hugs. Please see a solicitor and make sure he doesn’t take you for a ride while you’re blindsided and vulnerable.

BackInTheRoom · 06/11/2017 14:09

@whyishedoingthistome it happened to me too, he upped and left one afternoon just like that! It turned out he had an OW. Hate to say it, they usually do. I hope it's not the same in your case OP💐

Hermonie2016 · 07/11/2017 18:27

Sorry to hear tour stories.Have you read "runaway husbands" really helpful book as it deals with situations where your husband appears to have changed over night .The author went through a similar experience.

BackInTheRoom · 08/11/2017 10:46

@Hermonie2016

I've read Runaway Husbands....like reading about my own situation....

I think I saw you talk about John Gottman on another post Hermonie? I've also read one of his books too. Tbh after reading about relationships, I'm not sure I want to entertain another one now?🤔

WellWhoKnew · 08/11/2017 10:59

Hi. Another one whose husband just upsticks and off-fucked one day. Was an incredibly traumatic experience. In the divorce, I learnt he had a whole other life going on I'd had no idea about.

You're not gonna "get over" this in an instant, but do anything and everything you can to look after yourself. You're probably not eating much so take some vitamin tablets with soup/ice cream or whatever you can find that's palatable.

Around four or six months later you might get the first wave of depression. Get some therapy via the Nhs or private. It'll keep you sane.

Others have mentioned runaway husbands - it was the only self help book I found useful. Others spent too much time focusing on them. They are fine. We are not.

I found friends in the most weird and wonderful way, including here on MN. You might think your life is over right now, but it gets easier and better. Promise.

BackInTheRoom · 08/11/2017 12:19

@WellWhoKnew How long were you married for? Was there an OW?

WellWhoKnew · 08/11/2017 12:23

15 years. Several of the paid for variety.

BackInTheRoom · 08/11/2017 14:38

@WellWhoKnew 😕

BackInTheRoom · 28/11/2017 17:46

@whyishedoingthistome How are you OP?

Original poster
whyishedoingthistome · 28/11/2017 18:36

@Bibbidee, thank you for thinking of me.
I am still in exactly the same position, if not worse as I seem to be crying more. Maybe it's these horrible dark nights, I don't know. Nothing has moved on. I am still in this house with nothing resolved. He is living elsewhere. He won't talk about anything, but also won't agree to take steps to separate our lives. I don't know where to start. It's a living hell. I know everyone says time heals, but it's not helping. I can't face any more time like this to be honest. I don't want to join groups and make new friends. I can't do that. It is absolute torment. But thanks for thinking of me x

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 28/11/2017 19:36

@whyishedoingthistome sounds like you're grieving and shutting yourself away trying to cope. It's shit, it happened to me. He drove off after telling me he loved me but was not in love with me. That afternoon was hideous. 3 weeks after d-day the OW was revealed. Tbh I'm still traumatised by it over a year on. My ex won't have anything to do with me whatsoever, he won't even discuss the kids. My family is shattered. Life does get easier, you start to realise what shits they are for treating you like that and you get stronger. I know what you're going through and I'm here for you xxx

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