I am separating from my husband of 20 years and although it has been the most horrible rollercoaster for me for the past 7 years (actually all our marriage but more felt these past 7 yrs) I still have such strong feelings for him and I am struggling to accept what is happening.
The request has always come from him and it all was evident to me 6 months after our last son was born. We had always had fights and great moments together as a family but during my last pregnancy I could feel his coldness, irritation and distance from me growing. He didn't sleep with me since I was 5 months pregnant and my vulnerability and emotional need to be with him during this time just increased his frustration towards me.
After our son was born one day while watching tv he just told me he had had a fling of a weekend with somebody nearly two years before.
I was completely devastated. For this declaration of course but mainly for the way he said it to me...cold and unapologetic..he told me it was only that time but that he didn't want to do it again and would promise be faithful under certain conditions only.
The conditions were: I should pay more attention to him and not so much the kids. I should try different sexual experiences with him (threesomes to begin with)
I should make time to go away with him more often and party more
I can not explain the turmoil number 2 caused in me. I could happily agree on the others, forget about my pain from his cheating (which later I discovered happened more than once by his own admission) and try, but number 2 I just didn't know what to do.
It was non negotiable for him. He told me I was boring and needed to up my game with him. He told me it was my option and that I should be honest with him and myself if I wanted to do this but that also I should know that is what he wanted. Full period. Basically "think about it, see if you can, if not, is ok but it is pretty much over or I continue having something on the side"
I consider myself a strong, emotionally intelligent woman. I also know deep in my heart I have loved this man, partied with him and have been his partner for all our marriage. For me really, he was my one and only. His ultimatum hurt me lots on top of his cheating but I felt I had to try.
In exchange he promised to not cheat again and work for me as well...treat me better (he has ALWAYS been verbally abusive..calling me bitch and others and easily raising his voice at me) and form an honest, open, committed relationship. He didn't and couldn't have a traditional marriage where their needs are disconnected and doesn't have fun. He dreamed of a total, free, fun, connected marriage between two individuals. Family is nice but the couple itself was first. That is what he wanted for us and so far I was lacking in that picture. Great woman but lacking....
After so much thinking and internal battles and confusion and self doubt I agreed to have our first threesome...booked hotel, girl and drinks.
To my surprise it went so well. We both my husband and I were very loving towards each other and his attention was totally on me. I felt playful, in control and sexy. I should just mention it was a soft threesome. More playful than not.
For a couple of days it was great but then on a holiday soon after he started to get irritated with me again. All my pain, insecurities about us and me in particular flourishing again. His explanation? He didnt like the fact I would not talk more about it (we HAD talked about it for a couple of days after, smirking and thinking how funny it was that I was, and not the other woman, in control of the situation) I went from feeling like a queen in his eyes to again the boring wife that lacks so much.
What can I say...from here it went further to swinging parties which were interesting to see and lightly and contently to participate to weird encounter with other couples.
Now, I always knew swinging was not my thing. ALWAYS. But then again I accepted to explore it because I felt I had no option, because I felt I had to be more interesting to him. I was afraid to say no. I thought I could manage it by putting some rules.
I would NOT sleep with somebody else's husband. We could play around, I could play around with the girl (which is fine by me) and that it would be just a couple of times a year.
He agreed. We went to some parties. Had a good time, I flirted more than him , danced, kissed with others...all in the name of having a light experience. I was ok with that. I can truly and honestly say that I showed a good time and people liked me but I always kept certain distance. I didnt like any guy and only wanted sex with my husband. We, both, were less participant and social than the rest who seem to mingle more easily. My husband felt a mixture of guilt, over excitement and frustration at these events that he lashed on me.
Some parties he pushed me and made me feel like I was lacking. Of course I was. I was not sleeping with others which made it difficult for him to interact with these women as it has to be a couples thing. I, in some occasions felt so hurt.From my part I would sometimes bring the whole scene down afterwards and this deeply affected him and his self confidence.
Resentments grew from both of us. From his side because I didnt plan these occasions more often, because my heart wasn't in it, because once it happened I didnt really talked about it much, because I would mention there were no men I liked.
From my part resentment grew from his changing his mind. Suddenly threesomes were not that appealing and very expensive and he wanted me to find a girl out of nowhere to have fun. He said over and over I was boring, not open, didnt have a spark and I simply wasn't the person he wanted. While sometimes and during some of these events he would treat me like his only woman and made me feel like a queen soon after he would be again frustrated because I wouldn't pursuit it more. He wanted it to come from me. I wanted it to come from him and me be the follower. I was doing it more for him but trying hard to keep my limits for my own good and of the marriage.
So many times we talked it over and tried to come to an agreement that I honestly believe failed because we both at the end tried to accommodate to the other's needs in this alternate world without really wanting the best for the other. I felt I was giving so much of me and he felt he was restraining so much for me.
You would imagine the strain this has brought to our marriage. In between we would have really nice times and awful painful, confusing ones.
The separation was brought up by him several times over the past 7 years and me promising to change this and that and always achieving only half of it. I can honestly say it has affected my health too.
I can not help but think that if it all had been proposed to me in a nicer, more caring, more understanding way it would have been such an amazing thing. Because I know I have a bit of a naughty side in me. I know I am willing to go the extra mile (with limits) with this guy that I still consider a great catch and I know I can take and I know I want to be with him. But I believe we both went into this with serious doubts. Him, doubts that I was the woman up for this, that I had what he wanted and me doubts of myself, that I came short to him, not enough.
Many other things have happened..so many..good and bad.
Remember no.1? On that one I think I have failed more than not. I am the more controlling parent with our boys and have made my mistakes and I recognise it. I am trying to work on that but at the end a little disagreement we had recently was the end of the straw for him.
He had already given me an ultimatum. I had a year. A year to prove and work for him. A year because during that time he would try and put finances in order to be ready for a possible separation when time came.
A year.
Two months later he wants a separation and we are living under the same roof as strangers.
I am exhausted too. I feel like a failed, like I didn't, like I gave myself and more, like I should have done better, like I lost a great chance at a great relationship, that I gave him a great relationship, that I accepted bad treatment from him, that I made many mistakes. But I am much calmer now than all the other times I chased after him and begged him not to go. I have this peace that if I ever made him feel bad it wasn't really my intention. That I was loyal and faithful to him. That I gave him a stable, loving home throughout all the changes we.went through. That I really really tried hard to give him what he wanted without loosing myself. That I kept myself pretty and in good shape. That whenever he called me to join him with his friends at a bar I rushed to get ready and met him there..I loved that of him. That I would dance and have fun many times with him.
That I so many times felt so lucky to be with him.
It breaks my heart when he tells me now I never worked hard for him. That all I did was under my conditions. I feel in some way it had to be. It had to be under both our conditions.
Now, all is so uncertain and hard. I am numb and trying to look forward