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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Boyfriends ex is getting nasty

26 replies

Ozzybonbon · 30/09/2017 11:20

Hello,I'm hoping someone can shed some light on this situation as I am a complete 'virgin' in this topic,

My boyfriend has been separated from his wife now 3 years this December.
I met him only 3 and a half months ago but we would like to start looking to the future as a couple and start planning things.
He had previously (about a month ago) asked her for a divorce which she raised hell about,making lots of threats.
They have had nothing to do with each other for well over two years and she actually initiated the conversation about selling their house so she could move to London (before he had asked for a divorce),which he was happy to do.
She has now been in touch with him again via text asking for his address etc so she can send him divorce papers citing him as having him committed adultery(I understand this is one of the 5 reasons you give)....but I'm absolutely fuming about this because it's been well over two years and I'm sure it's not classed as adultery after this two year period.
She claims she wants a quick divorce now and that they should get it over and done with so in that case why does she not just sign the papers amicably??.
I'm not happy about this adultery thing as we haven't done anything wrong and after 2 years apart you can both sign the papers without citing any differences.
She has also given him a list of things he'd better not try to do (as in threats towards him if he try's to fight her) which has naturally got my back up again.He says let her do it as he will do his own papers to her citing her as abusive(physically and verbally (with proof).....Can she put down adultery if it's been OVER 2 years separation??
She has also messaged me a couple of months ago,again with veiled threats.
She is now saying that he won't. E seeing a penny from the house even though he has proof that he paid 10'of thousands for the mortgage including large lump sums from his military service.
I just want to support him the best I can without interfering but I am so angry and I don't want to be.
Also there are no children involved...Thankyou

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 30/09/2017 11:24

The best you can do is keep well out of it.

And yes, It's still adultery no matter how long they'd been separated.

Your partner should see a solicitor, and get it sorted. No input needed from you.

alltouchedout · 30/09/2017 11:26

What does it matter what reason is given for the divorce?

Original poster
Ozzybonbon · 30/09/2017 11:34

Like I said she has also contacted me with veiled threats which I didn't appreciate yet didn't respond to.Im not vindictive like that and was purely just looking for some insight.
Of course it's down to him but we are together and I want to educate myself in his rights too so I can support him as of course it will effect me too.
He has seen a solicitor but that was before when he rang her and asked if they could do it all amicably which she didn't respond well to which I get.

OP posts:
tomatoplantproject · 30/09/2017 11:34

Technically yes, he is committing adultery. It matters not a jot the reasons for the divorce - the most important thing is that it happens - particularly if there are no children involved.

He needs to be speaking to a solicitor about the process and the financials. There is a whole process to go through to divide the marital assets, and as much as she won't like it, each party has rights.

You should not be getting involved. The absolutely best way that you can support him is by not speaking with her or taking this on as your problem. If you are this angry and involved you will inflame the situation rather than helping them come to a resolution.

Wheelerdeeler · 30/09/2017 11:36

3 and a half months the and you are way too involved in his divorce proceedings. Nothing to do with you at all. He's an adult. Between him and his wife.

tomatoplantproject · 30/09/2017 11:37

And you're also way too invested after only 3 months together.

Are you absolutely sure he's been honest with you and they've been properly separated after all this time? It might be the reason why she's behaving the way she is.

Original poster
Ozzybonbon · 30/09/2017 11:39

I appreciate all the advise.
I haven't spoken to her nor do I plan to,she messaged me and like I said I didn't respond.
But like I said before I'm not 'getting involved' as it's his divorce,I am aware of that but I just want to learn how to "support" him whichever route he chooses as he does discuss it with me.

OP posts:
KindleBueno · 30/09/2017 11:39

Sorry love but after only 14 weeks you need to keep your beak out.

PringlesPirate · 30/09/2017 11:40

If I were you, I’d either back right off or call it a day with this relationship. At least, til after he’s properly divorced

Original poster
Ozzybonbon · 30/09/2017 11:46

Wow...and yes I absolutely do know that he's been separated that long.
As for judging how 'invested I should be' after a short period is irrelevant I think.
I'm not 16 and neither is he and we both know what we want.
I apologise if this seems to have 'irked' some people I was really just wanting some friendly advise on how to support someone I love and care about and who I see being threatened when there's no apparent need.
I am not getting involved in his divorce it's merely to help me understand what he might need from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ozzybonbon · 30/09/2017 11:48

Kindlebueno,..really no need to be so abrupt.
14 weeks is irrelevant

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 30/09/2017 11:49

But that's not what you asked about. Your level of involvement/interest is completely out of step with the length of time ypu have known him.

AlternativeTentacle · 30/09/2017 11:49

It is not irrelevant. This is his mess to sort out not yours.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 30/09/2017 11:54

It’s none of your business. Really it isn’t.

MiniAlphaBravo · 30/09/2017 11:54

Surely 14 weeks is really very relevant as you seem to be far too involved in this (getting your back up etc) when it's not your concern. I wouldn't have got together with a man who wasn't actually divorced personally as it is technically adultery and more importantly will be a lot of stress on him to get the divorce. I would advise that you keep out of the technicalities and be there to listen to him when he needs to vent.

Santawontbelong · 30/09/2017 11:56

If your knickers are in such a knot at this early stage I would suggest you walk away now.
Divorces are bad enough when they are your own -

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 12:04

Firstly, if the ex is contacting the OP then it is relevant to her. OP, ignore her, don't engage and block her number.

Secondly, the man has been separated for three years. She doesn't need to sight adultery for the reason for the divorce, they can get a no fault divorce after two years so this seems to be just spiteful on her part.

Lastly, if you want to be involved in supporting him tell him to find a solicitor to handle the divorce and the separation of finances etc properly. if they were married then her threats of him not seeing any of the money from the house are just that. He will be entitled to 50% of the equity

Tell him that it's far too early into your relationship to start talking about his divorce etc and that he should just tell her that all communication will be handled through his solicitor from now on.

And bear in mind that fourteen weeks is still a very new relationship. You might think you know where the future is at at this point but anything can change. Don't in mesh yourself too far into his life at this point, just enjoy the beginnings of a new relationship for what they are, and don't be afraid to walk away if things get too heavy.

Bearing in mind that as there are no children in the equation you really don't need to be involved in the divorce side of his separation etc. He's separated, after the divorce they'll be able to get a clean break and that will be that.

Original poster
Ozzybonbon · 30/09/2017 12:07

Why is it??...I asked if it was legitimate to name the divorce papers under adultery after a separation of over 2 years and purely to understand how to support him.
I didnt ask for him to get a divorce he decided that for himself and as for being invested in someone for a short time and wanting to support them,(again I haven't done or said anything to her or him about what either should do) I have merely talked to him about it as he's talked to me.
I have not dragged this man away from his wife like a Scarlett woman I thought I could just ask for 'friendly' advise on the matter.Clearly not the case.

OP posts:
TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 12:13

As for judging the OP for committing adultery because he's not divorced, there are plenty of women on MN who are in relationships with and even have more children with men after having separated from their husbands and with divorces going through. And plenty of encouragement for women to get out there and start dating after a separation once they feel ready, so let's not start playing the adultery moral card shall we?

They'd been separated for three years. I think after three years it's a pretty fair assumption that they're not likely to get back together if they've had no contact and there are no children in the picture. Marriage isn't this holy grail which should be honoured at all costs even when the relationship has broken down irrevocably - by that point it's a piece of paper the dissolution of which affords each party certain financial rights.

Afternooncatnap · 30/09/2017 12:34

Op ignore the harsh comments. It does involve you because you are in a relationship with him. You have every right to take an interest as your relationship can never truly go anywhere until the divorce is complete.

She may belive that she can take a bigger cut of the assets if he has broken the marriage contract through infedelity. I'm not sure if that is true so you will need to check with a solicitor. If it doesn't make a difference what the reason is, then just let her have it.

I have been in your shoes and it is difficult but try to just be a sholder to cry on and give rational impartial advise.

AdalindSchade · 30/09/2017 12:37

Honestly you just need to stay out of it. Neither of them needs to cite any reasons so it doesn’t matter what she puts on the papers. The courts will decide how the finances are split. Just listen if he wants to offload but otherwise keep well out.

tomatoplantproject · 30/09/2017 12:39

Look - getting divorced is a hideously difficult thing to do. It sounds like she's terribly upset about it, and he will somehow need to negotiate his way through that emotion, whilst processing his own feelings. He really needs someone very balanced with a sensible perspective to be bouncing information and ideas off, who knows and is experienced in the workings of the law. From the way you're writing and with the best will in the world you are not equipped to be that person.

You're already painting her in a very negative light and are using emotive language, especially for someone who has only known him for 14 weeks. You should be in the really happy honeymoon period rather than getting into the details of his divorce. The absolutely best thing you can do for him is to back off and give him the space to sort this out himself with his solicitor.

Hence getting the same advice.

hasitcometothis33 · 30/09/2017 12:43

Plenty of bitter divorces on this thread :)

Sounds like a unpleasant situation OP. I’m sure your support is making it easier for your partner.

WellWhoKnew · 30/09/2017 12:46

He's not getting divorced for adultery, he's being divorced for his unreasonable behaviour, and the requirement is that she proves to the court the marriage had irretrievably broken down.

Shagging someone else would qualify as proof.

Divorce is a complicated business. I'd certainly not get involved with it. It is a hideous, painful and exhausting process.

If you want to support your boyfriend of fourteen weeks, you'd not get involved at all, and ignore any communication from his wife.

RavingRoo · 30/09/2017 15:21

I agree you’re far too into this. Take a step back. If she wants to put down adultry let her - the reason for the divorce doesn’t come into it when it’s decided the split of the house. If they own the property jointly, then without kids, they each would expect 50/50.

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