Dealing with a pain in the arse ex wife

[greenman99]

My ex-wife and I separated 3 years ago, divorced for almost 2 years. We have 3 children together aged 12, 10 and 6. She was cheating on me with a work colleague. Just a month after separating she got pregnant and moved in with the man. She has had another baby just a couple of months. Our children spend half the time with me in the long-time family home and half the time with her (& partner & half siblings) in her house nearby.

Generally the kids are happy and seem to have dealt well with all that has happened over the last few years but sometimes I find it very difficult to deal with my ex wife.

Since we separated we have been able to raise our children in the way we think is best. I try to make sure they eat healthily, get outdoors, participate in school clubs, stay off phones & tablets as much as possible etc. Whereas my ex –wife doesn’t do these things because she doesn’t view them as important.

I’ve discussed it many times with her but she just doesn’t care about our children being healthy. So I don’t bother even trying with her now. I’m OK with that but I have found that getting the kids to eat new and healthy food just makes them think of me as the ‘bad guy’ making them eat things they don’t want to try (at first!) and encouraging them to participate in activities which they’ll enjoy is only they tried it! I’m hanging onto the belief that they’ll realise I did the right thing when they hit 25 

At times my daughter has tantrums – stamping her feet, rolling around, wailing etc. Like a toddler rather than a 10 year old. They always happen when she’s been reprimanded for something but she always turns them into her wanting her mother. She mostly then rings her mother and cries down the phone saying she wants her and I don’t understand her etc.

This came to a head earlier in the year and my ex-wife said that she thought our daughter should spend more time with her. She’d already discussed it with our daughter and sons and they were OK with it. Apart from being hugely pi55ed off with for talking to our kids about it first I said that I disagreed with the idea. My point was that whilst our daughter might be in her house more she wouldn’t actually spend any more quality time with her as she has a toddler and a baby to look after and perhaps pour daughter just missed spending quality time with her. My ex-wife of course dismissed this and said the only solution is for our children to spend more time at her house.

My ex-wife has developed a narrative that always seems to paint me a the bad guy and her the saint. I’ve never told our children why we really separated. Her version is that we just argued too much! She tells our children that I earn more than her and her partner so can buy more stuff! She says (to our children) it upsets her that I’m not friendly to her partner. And that some of our mutual friends are no longer ‘nice’ to her. She talks to the kids about things before we have agreed on it then presents it as a fait accompli – “I talked to the children and they were horrified that they might not continue with the current arrangements at Christmas time”.

How do I deal this without getting supremely frustrated by it all. I don’t want to constantly have this conflict in my life.

Thanks

lonecatwithkitten interestingly just 2 weeks ago I met with a therapist as a precursor to my daughter having some sessions. My daughter said she'd give it a try. However they need both parents permission and my ex wife wanted to talk to our daughter about it. Once my daughter was at her mother's house and it was discussed she changed her mind. My ex wife said that because she only ever had tantrums with me so the problem was with me, not oir daughter.

I found out later that my ex wife had told our daughter that only people with psychological problem have therapy!

So it's not happening now. It's disappointing. I just wanted her to be able to process her emotions better and communicate why she was having tantrums.

nashvillequeen thanks 😀 I did think it strange I was accused of only giving my opinion. It is my post after all!

I remember sitting opposite my pregnant wife and her new partner and she said I had to accept some responsibility for what has happened. As if I'd made her cheat on me, make her have sex with him and get pregnant!

I think it's not necessarily black and white. Different parenting styles - I have this with my ex, plus my partner and his ex parent in very different ways.

It's often to do with upbringing, social upbringing too can play a part.

I think you have 2 separate issues here - your issues over the breakup is one, and your issues around parenting are the other.

I don't think anyone would take kindly to being told their parenting is 'wrong' - not that, I'm sure, you've said that explicitly to her. She will, however feel it I'm sure.

Maybe there's a midway point? There will be elements of both your parenting that are good, and don't forget kids will always embellish the truth about their other homes - mine certainly do!

I'm the strict parent too, and Ex plays a bit of a I'm the best game by indulging him. But I have DS 90% of the time so it's easier.

I do think 50/50 is particularly open to tensions, and kids playing parents off. I've seen it with my step kids, who stayed more with the less strict parent, even moving in. My DP tied himself in knots trying to be favourite. However two older children were very immature as a result, and struggle with having to cooperate etc. So I'm kind of with you.

However, I realised that I was never having fun with mynDS, having to compensate for his indulgent father. So decided to loosen up a bit, do nice things. Maybe you could do more of that Op? You need to reign it back a bit, gain their trust again.