Completely desperate and scaed of divorce

[theabear]

Hi everyone
I need some friendly advice please.. I am in a pretty desperate situation. I have been married for 14 years and we have two girls aged 10 and 7. My husband is verbally abusive and has been for the whole time we have been married. He goes through phases of being OK but will suddenly and without warning revert to his abusive behaviour. I have to say immediately that I don't think he would ever use physical violence. He was in the army for many years and came out with severe PTSD (this was about 20 years ago, he is 47 now and I am 40). He was diagnosed with severe depression about 10 years ago and has acute OCD. Seeing a crumb on the floor will set him off on one of his verbally abusive episodes describing our house as a "shit hole" and saying I don't care. He refuses all medication and treatment. We currently live in Spain and have done for 4 years. We came out here for a fresh start as we hoped it would help him but it has just continued to get worse. During this time he has been unable to work due to severe depression so I have been the sole earner, some days working between 12 and 16 hours per day and working 7 days a week. I have no friends either here or in the UK as his abusive behaviour has driven them all away and I don't have time to socialise due to my long working hours. It is also affecting our girls, the youngest is starting to copy his behaviour and the school have complained about behavioural problems and disruption. I also have no family as my parents are both dead and were both only children so no aunts and uncles either. I literally am alone other than my girls and him.
The bottom line is for years I have been too scared to get a divorce as I don't want to be alone. but things have reached a point now where I cannot tolerate his behaviour any longer. I desperately want to leave him but I have no where to go. I'd like to come back to the UK but it would be a case of sticking a pin in the map. I have no where to go to. Another reason I have been reluctant to leave is due to our house. I bought the house we are currently in outright with money I inherited. But there is no way I can buy him out of the house as I don't have any savings and he will refuse to leave it or allow me to sell it (in Spain the house is in both our names and even if it wasn't, as my husband he is legally entitled to half. He would also have to give consent for it to be sold which I know he won't do).He is penniless and has no means to buy me out. We also own another house in Spain which we rent out and that is mortgaged, with the tenant's rent paying the mortgage with very little left over. My husband has not contributed anything financially to our household for 4 years now I have paid for everything, including our car, but I am not sure what difference that would make in a divorce settlement.
Basically I am now torn between trying to carry on a situation where I am verbally abused daily and my kids are suffering and trying to make a break back to the UK, but where I have no where to go to!
Sorry for the length of this thread, but I am completely desolate and have no where to turn to.

Didn't want to read and run as what you are going through sounds horrendous. It definitely sounds like starting your life afresh without him would be the right course of action here.

I'm afraid I don't have personal experience of your situation, but have you sought any legal advice? I would think getting a solicitor would be step one so that you can figure a way to seperate yourself from him financially, as at the moment you sound very trapped. If you are unable to sell the house without his consent and you are sure he won't give it, is there any way you could legally evict him on the grounds of his abusive behaviour? Or could you contact something along the lines of Women's Aid in Spain - or even contact them in the UK as that is where you are seeking to move back to? There must be some way somehow to disentangle yourself from your abusive DH, it is a matter of figuring out how. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like hell.

I don't know what the process would be in spain but I read somewhere on MN the other day that in the uk there is a process you can do if you are divorcing and have children that means you, as the main caree of the children, would get sole use of the house until the children are grown at which point you have to sell the house and then divide the proceeds - though as he has contributed nothing it isn't ideal. I can't remember what it is called but might be worth looking into. You would still be in spain but at least he would be gone.