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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Post separation blues

7 replies

Whoopeewanda · 13/09/2017 22:57

4 months on from my split, which I wanted having spent two years of intense trying to save our marriage. On paper he's my ideal man but post children it just didn't seem to work and we just couldn't work even though I could still see he was a good guy, we just couldn't connect and things had got worse and worse.
But what's eating me up night after night now is that, one month later he was seeing someone. I sensed then it was serious and he's gone on to be more serious. There was no relationship prior to the split I'm pretty sure but now he's totally besotted with her. He still sees the children but has to see her even then. So much so that the kids have met and been told about her much too soon for my liking.
I just can't believe it, I made it so easy for him, he treated me with disrespect and denial of any problems and made out they were all mine when I am pretty easy going and understanding and while I'm still adjusting and setting up home for my dcs he's found the love of his life.
I know you think I'm exaggerating and he's on the rebound but I know him and he's been very honest with me now. He isn't getting at me, he says, he thought I would be ok with it given that I moved out and believes I should move on too.
And why aren't I? Well I was married to him, still am for 10years with 3 dcs. I'm still grieving. My family don't even understand and still sympathise with him and have left me to it as it annoys me hearing their reaction and lack of understanding.
On a good moment I think that could be me with a love of my life, but mostly I am desperately sad and teary. I'm not sure what I expect on here. People have told me it will pass and things will get better and I know it will but I can't help thinking life will be much more of a struggle from now on.

OP posts:
Shandybass · 15/09/2017 23:37

Well nil response wasn't what I was expecting. Even mn has deserted me clearly.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 16/09/2017 08:21

Have you name changed? You'd get more traffic in Relationships I think.

This sounds like a horrible situation for you, but just confirms you were right to leave him. My DH's ex went from supposedly being distraught that he was unhappy enough to want to leave her (sounds similar to what you have described actually) to having her new bloke move in in 4 months, which was a bit baffling for DH, but confirmed for him that things had definitely not been right between them.

Their DS has dealt with the whole thing amazingly well, and several years on has a good relationship with all the adults in his life. ExW is still with the "new" bloke, so strange and good things really do happen aftert unpleasant ones.

None of this is any help to you, apart from to say it's completely OK and normal to feel upset and conflicted, and to be grieving for the dead relationship. Just didn't want to read and run.

Shandybass · 16/09/2017 20:54

Thank you Wiseup. You sound like a lovely person. I wish dh well I really do. I don't like his choice of ow and I worry she is turning him against me and the kids and I just don't get it what he sees in her. I'm a nice person she isn't but she has got him hook line and sinker in love. I guess it makes me question my whole marriage and him ever being that way with me. It's crap it really is. And the worst thing is I just can't seem to lift my spirits despite seeing this was the right thing and so the future looks very bleak. And the people I thought cared for me have really let me down and just kept away like I'm just an awkwardness ti them

spottybotty1 · 17/09/2017 22:03

Hi I'm in the same situation we have been split a year now, he found a new partner very quickly and has gone full head in into it. I know the girl, she is one of my friends! She's nice though so that's good for the children. His behaviour has remained EXACTLY the same with her i.e. Self centred and power hungry ( I think he just wants to make me pay for leaving him).
It's like a bloody showmance around our town( he has lived here all his life!sobrhe while town have sided with him. Nightmare it really is so I do feel your pain. It's fine to grieve it's natural, again keep remembering why you left him and now she has to deal with his issues. The honeymoon period doesn't last firever( that's what I keep telling myself)Smile

Shandybass · 18/09/2017 23:42

Thank you botty. She is quite obsessive and possessive and he is very dead pan or was with me, he seems very conscious of her feelings now and reassuring in a way he never was with me even early on, but then I was quite carefree then and trusting.
I don't want him back, but the guy he's able to be with her is all I ever wanted. Guess some things aren't to be and maybe there is someone else out there for me, but that's going to take a long time.
At the moment I'm just getting through the days and if there's one day I haven't cried then that's progress

spottybotty1 · 19/09/2017 13:35

Maybe me doing the same, holidays,days out even looking after her children( he didn't mine!).time does heel it, lean in MN and your friends x

Shandybass · 19/09/2017 23:00

Thanks botty. Unfortunately my family are more distant than usual even though they're local, my friends have peeled away and I've not been feeling social even to pick up the phone. Even on mn I've only had your response here, and none on the thread I've been on for years about leaving otherwise ok marriages. I do have 3 good friends who have been there for me and I am eternally grateful to them.
It just seems like by stepping out of my marriage all the rest of my life and people have walked away or worse looked the other way.
Sorry to be so down but 6 months on and life just keeps getting worse not better.

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