Devastated, wife doesn't want me

[Daddyto2]

I know there's lots of threads about this, but I have no one to talk to.... My wife has just told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore... Been married 4 years have 2 beautiful children.. Everything she wanted.. we have a 3 year old, when she came along everything was fine..I admit parenthood came more naturally to my wife than me but I made it my life to be there,we both work full time and I try to help 50/50 with everything, I do all the cooking she does the washing etc, everything was great.
we got caught out 18 months after our 1St child and she got pregnant again... Initially it was a shock and we were upset as it felt too close and too soon...our little boy came along and it was not such an easy ride...with sleeping, crying etc, he has always been Very clingy to his mom from day one and would cry whenever I had him...I struggled and spent a lot of time upset and frustrated, my wife obvs is totally in love with our little boy and that's when our issues started... I felt like she'd lost all interest in me. Started becoming distant.. We Started arguing over the silly day to day stuff... But I love her and we always tried to rectify things and I've tried to be the best husband and father I can be... We've never had any time to ourselves in the last 2 years, but spent all our free time together doing things with the kids.
whenever I've suggested having some time for just us two she's not seemed that interested... I've had my times when ive felt like since the children.. I'm no longer wanted and it's got me down, I've also let our financial difficulties get me down a lot as I feel like it's my responsibility to keep us going and my wife and kids are provided for but I thought it was just a rough patch we're working to get out of and I thought things are getting better now the kids are toddlers and we're able to get out and do mores stuff, have a bit more us time etc, had plans of buying a house and getting us out of renting...
A few nights ago I asked my wife what's up, she's been doing increasingly more things without me lately.. Days out, nights out etc... I asked why she doesn't want to do something with me,a date night etc...
She told me she doesn't want to, and that right now she feels that she doesn't want me anymore and wants to separate... I'm devastated... She says I'm not the person I was when we got together, but also she's changed, her feelings towards me changed since our little boy came along... And it hasn't got any better for her for the last 18 months, she says she loves me but isn't in love with me, and that she feels she can't be a mum and give the kids 100% and be a wife Aswell... I'm heartbroken and can't bear the thought of not being there every night and morning for the kids...they are my life now...I may have struggled with being a parent.. But I try so hard... Maybe I should have got help with my moods and feeling down earlier.. I don't know....

I feel angry.. Cos people go through things,drunk,drug,gambling addiction, cheating etc .. And they work it out and come out of the other side of it... I've done nothing and feel I'm getting punished for just not being goof enough..she's not willing to try... She days she can't help how she feels, and thinks it's gone too far for us to get help...she's made her mind up...she says she wants to do it now before it gets to a stage we hate each other, and wants to be able to look after the kids together and be friends still...
I can't afford to move out and she's said she doesn't want me to move out for the kids... I'm a mess...I feel sick and numb, can't stop crying, I love my kids with all my heart and I love her and want to stay with her... But I can't make it work if she doesn't want to try... I feel lost and I don't know what to do.

This is sad. Often i read these threads posted by a man in your situation and can see that he has been the cause of his wife's resentment but unless you are shirking responsibility you sound very understanding.
I wonder if you could tell her you hear what she's saying but to hold off on making a decision for a year until at least one of dc at school.
Things get easier then.

I don't shirk anything, unless I'm at work I'm at home with the kids and there for her.. I don't go out to the pub. I don't go off round mates houses, I help put the kids to bed every night. I take them on my own to give her time to herself, ... I try.. But she just says her feelings have changed since the kids..they're all that matter to her now and she wants us to separate now before the kids are much older... She did say if her feelings changed we'd get back together...but that means I'm just in this limbo of feeling sick and numb, and devastated

I'm so sorry. X

Go to solicitor and talk through the options- she may be entitled to benefits. You can still see lots of the DCs. Look into what accommodation you can afford , she might have to move too. If you start the ball rolling it might make her realise how complicated life will become, and make sure she really wants to go through with this.

Thanks but neither of us want to go down that sort of route at the mo, as she's said there's no reason we can't be adult about it and still be friends and look after the kids together etc... And neither of us can afford to go down that route, as it is we have a joint account we both put into and all bills etc come of that and we share other stuff like groceries. Clothes for the kids etc... I just want her to at least give us a chance at working it out

I'm sorry mate I know what you are going through. When you say nights out what do you mean.has she met someone else during those nights out.sorry to be so blunt but the things shes saying to you point in that direction. I'm probably wrong but it's happened to me and guess what she had feelings for someone else.if you want to chat mate please contact me it helps and it helped me a lot

Staying in the same house together when you have such different wants/needs will be very hard. Basically she's saying she still wants you there for practical support, but nothing else. That's an au pair she's thinking of, not a partner.

Get some advice from CAB or solicitors and see what your options are, but face facts - this is likely the beginning of the end, whether you want it to be or not.

Maybe she could move out,as it's her that has a change of heart. Dont assume it has to be you, and that the kids stay with her.

Try really hard not to let resentment (which is natural) make it more painful than it has to be. It's really hard to do, but it'll be better for everyone (especially the DCs).

Sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone.

My wife said same to me and said when are you moving out.I'm going nowhere I said and I don't have to sell until we're divorced which will take 2 years of seperation. She stayed in the house for 3 months it was he'll for me anyway.she went out a lot with her male friend and people from work as they work in the same place.we had a big bust up and she said she's moving to a room in the same shared house as him but it's my fault because we clashed when living together blah blah.that was 5 weeks ago and looking back I've realised how desperate and clingy she is.think she also seems to resent that I'm doing ok.tells my son when she visits that house seems tidier now she's left and is surprised I'm on top of things .I always done my share anyway.I resent her because in 2 years me and my son will lose our home what she does and who with is of no concern to me I deserve better .that's how my mindset is as soon as you feel sorry for yourself you start to sink

Thanks.. I don't think she is seeing anyone as 90% of our free time has always been together with the kids, I've asked her if it's that she's getting attention elsewhere.. She says no... She says she feels she can't be a mom and give the kids 100% and be a wife Aswell... If she was wanting to get rid so she can be free to see someone else I'd have thought she'd want me out of the house asap.... My parents have our kids 4 days a week while we're at work and she's said she loves my mom n dad to bits and hopes they won't turn nasty with her and that they'll still want the kids and will speak to her

Try really hard not to let it turn nasty - your parents may feel they can't look after the kids if it puts them in the middle of a nasty split.

Be careful here too - this time of the evening is when the ... "Less balanced" posters come out. It'll be your fault, you'll be a coward, abuser and a cunt. Disregard them.

Is her name Claire by any chance? This 4 year thing seems very very frighteningly familiar.

I doubt there's anyone else- she doesn't have time or headspace for it!
It is all encompassing having a Velcro baby, and I understand how it feels to her. I'm sorry, but the best thing you can do right now is give her space (mentally I mean, as I realise physically neither of you can leave) and try and keep things as usual for the children.

I think she has met someone at work - sorry

She's met someone.
7 years ago I was you.
Exh said feelings had changed but wanted us still to be a family so no formal split necessary. I said no way to this that if he could be a husband to me he had to leave.
Turned out he was having an affair & just didn't want to be seems as the 'bad guy' who left his kids.

Do yourself a favour & get some headspace - maybe a couple of days away by yourself - I guarantee things will become clearer.

I'm in the same boat and know exactly how you feel

My wife of 7 years (partner of 14) told me she 4 weeks ago that she wants a separation (doesn't love me anymore)

It's very difficult as we also have 2 kids (2 and 5). Again we haven't spent much time together as a couple since the kids came along.

I go day to day not knowing what to do.

She's found a new place and moves out this week.

Good luck, just thought I'd let you know that you're not alone

One day at a time.all in the same boat here I think .wife left 5 weeks ago after saying her feelings have changed etc.told people she's moved to a shared house with girl from work almost true it's actually a man from work.so deceitful but doesn't surprise me she never likes to look bad.miss her everyday but it will get better for all of us.

There is no way she can expect you to carry on as if nothing is happening. Basically she doesn't love you but she wants you at her beck and call to do all the donkey wrk at home and keep up appearances . Make an appointment at the solicitors to get some legal advice about this situation . The appointment is not to start divorce proceedings but just to give you guidance . It may also give her a big hard shake and make her realise that actually this is serious and she can't be throwing around all the shots . Stop being her doormat and stand up for yourself and your children . She sounds a selfish bitch who doesn't know when she has a good man. You sound the perfect dad and husband . I'm sure you will have some bad habits but haven't told us so I don't think your a saint but I do think of all you are saying is true then she is one selfish person and you are allowing her to take advantage of your good nature . If she truly doesn't love you and wants to split then she should leave and claim housing benefit and set up on her own ! You must speak to a solicitor asap ( it may make her see sense just telling her you have booked an appt) good luck mate

Hate to say it, but feel she has someone else on the horizon. I wish I had someone like you

This thread is heartbreaking. I'm sorry to say it, but despite her saying it's not the case, it sounds very much like she has someone else.