advice around contcat and maintenance etc

[astraea]

Hi

Long story and lots of questions so please bear with me!

So, I separated from my husband of 20 years about 22 months ago after I discovered he had been having an affair with a work colleague for a year behind my back. We have 5 children together, they are aged 22, 20, 19, 13 and 4.

To be honest it was a chance to get out of the marriage as I had not been happy for years, he was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, I was not allowed to go on nights out with friends, wear make up to work etc, not a nice man.

I have moved on, I am in a new relationship, been with him for 10 months now, my younger 2 kids adore him, he is kind and sweet and the total opposite to my ex. I'm very happy. We have recently been thinking about him moving in with me. I have spoken to my younger 2 kids and they both said they would love it. My older kids however, not so much!. My oldest DD still lives at home. She has a BF who stays over most of the time and she has just finished uni and is not working atm. She is very against him moving in. Says its far too soon and she does not want him to live at our home. She gets on really well with DP, they have a lot of fun together, but she is adamant that I am completely out of order for considering him moving in (I have told her we were thinking later on this year maybe, we will have been together for over a year). I want him to move in, and financially it makes a lot of sense. AIBU for telling her that although I am listening to her opinion, I am the adult and as long as my younger 2 are happy with it then I will make that decision. She is 22, she can move out into her own place if she does not like it??

Now onto my ex!!

Contact - My ex has regular contact with the kids, I have no issue with him having them and have never stopped him. My ex works nights and is contracted to 3 nights a week but then he takes overtime as and when it comes up. This means that there is absolutely no consistency for the kids, he has them different days every week and different amounts every week (he varies between having them one night and 4). My youngest starts school in September and I have tried speaking to him about this, he says I ABU because its his job and he has to take the extra hours when he can get them. My opinion is that the children need a routine and its not fair on them. It also makes life extremely difficult for me as I work full time and I never know when he is having them until the Monday of that week so usually have to sort childcare etc out at last minute.

He also on a few occasions has text me the week before saying "sorry cant have them at all next week I'm going away for a week", however when I have asked him weeks and weeks in advance if he can have them for a few days so I can attend something he has messed me about until it was too late to book it.

Is court the only way to get a solid plan in place? would this even work? he has all the power over what happens with the kids because he knows I need help with childcare etc and I have just had enough!

Last thing for now! the divorce. I desperately want to get divorced but I cannot afford the £450 court fee. Is there any way around this? I get a very small amount of tax credits for childcare but this is all as I am earning "too much" to claim any help even though I am barely scraping by!.

Thanks in advance for any help and support.

Can't offer much advice i'm afraid but just wanted to say that I know how hard it is re the inconsistent contact as i'm in the same boat. My STBXH walked out in April and has only been able to give me a few days notice of when he can have them each week (because of his shifts), leaving childcare impossible to arrange. Prior to moving out he was given his shifts 6 weeks in advance.

He was having them twice a week for a few hours after school, but has recently said he can only see them once a month - he's doing this to punish me (for asking for maintenance!!) because he knows i'll struggle with childcare. He's also said he can only give me a few days notice for his monthly contact days.
I've written to him, stating that i will do everything i can to facilitate his requests for contact, however if the children have parties or other activities planned on that day then he needs to accommodate these, and if we have already made plans that cannot easily be changed then they will not be cancelled. I also asked him to consider mediation so that we can come up with contact arrangements that work better for everyone - his response was "threaten me like that again and i'll speak to my solicitor". He is oblivious to the way his actions are affecting our children.
I've considered stopping all contact with the children, so that he would then have to go to court to get a contact order in place which would hopefully then mean that it would be more structured. BUT this would hurt the children because they want to see him more, not less.

Are you getting any maintenance from him? It's expensive bringing up children - I made a list of everything i spend on them throughout the year, and asked him for half that amount. He refused and said if i wanted maintenance i'd have to go through the Child Maintenance Service. So I did - they calculated the amount based on his earnings and he's ended up having to pay nearly twice the amount i'd asked him for - it was a really easy process and fairly quick too as i knew all his contact details etc.

Does your Ex want a divorce too? Would he issue proceedings to save you the court costs - I'm guessing not if he's not being reasonable about other things. There are a couple of calculators online that will give you an idea of what reduction you will get based on your earnings. Mine was reduced by about £100 i think. I'm at the stage of just waiting for my decree Nisi to be pronounced in about 6 weeks - and to be honest it's going to be worth every last penny. I got a 0% credit card to put all court costs etc on - but obviously don't do that if you won't be able to afford to repay it.

Sorry if that hasn't been much help - hope someone comes along with some actual advice.

HML
x

I too know where you are coming from with inconsistent contact due to my exes shift work. I try to be as accommodating as I can because of an easy life and to benefit my daughter seeing her dad (although the tears when she leaves me are difficult to stomach - she's nearly 3).
Its worked so far but she starts nursery three days a week next month and I work 20 hours a week, with one day off plus weekends. I don't want my time off to be without her. So I'm not sure how we are going to go forward from this. We only really communicate by text, he did the dirty to me immediately after she was born, but I've been the one who has tried my best to make this work. Its very difficult, I do sympathise.
Re. Divorce, I too put the fees on a 0% cc and paid them off when our house sale finalised. It is expensive and legal aid doesn't exist anymore (unless you have been abused).
I know you can do 'quickie' divorces online, if there's nothing too complicated to arrange and you can also DIY them, but I'm not sure the costs of that.