How to go about funding all this?

[whatnextforme]

DH and I are now at the point of separating. It has been coming a long time, and I cannot go on any longer living such an unhappy life.

Main reasons - I raised some SG concerns around him re one of our younger DC, now investigated and closed. A lot of gaslighting, always saying things and then denying he had said them. Nasty behaviour towards one of my elder DC (20), meaning they do not want to be at home any longer. Also, he is a SAHP, I work FT but he spends most of the day during term time watching films and sport. He won't cook the evening meal, and does minimal cleaning.

So, I've had enough. We've been married 9 years, together 11. I owned the house before we met (funded by late DH, also have an income from him). DH had nothing when he moved in with me, and has not worked for 8 years, so I fund everything.

I recently asked him to move out, and he refused, saying this was his home and he isn't going anywhere. I offered to rent somewhere for him, and pay all monthly expenses, he refused, stating again he wasn't moving out, and I would have to. He has now agreed to move out if I buy him somewhere. This will involve me completely remortgaging my house, so I can raise enough to buy him a small place, and the mortgage I would have paid off in 3 years I will now be paying past retirement age.

I really don't know how this should work. Do I /can i just give him the money to go and buy somewhere, or do I ensure that both our names are on the new place? Has anyone been in this situation?

I appreciate that I am responsible for providing for him, but I want to protect myself as much as possible, even though this marriage is going to have cost me so much

You need an extremely good family solicitor. I would not do anything until you have seen one.

I appreciate that I am responsible for providing for him Actually it is not your responsibility to provide for him.
The marriage has failed and many people both men and women have to find work once they separate.
He can find work and get a job and he would be expected to do so given that he is not of retirement age.

Courts look very unfavourably on SAHPs who don't have good reasons for not finding work once a relationship breaks down.

My ex had to find work.

You owe him nothing, he is a cocklodger. Go and get an hours appointment with a really good divorce solicitor who will give you advise on where to go next and what you must legally give him.
I was in much the same situation, I had to give my ex a couple of thousand and he had to leave the home.
Don't give him a penny more than you legally have to. There is NO reason why a healthy grown man cannot take care of himself.

Definitely don't do anything unless it's been signed off.

First step is to determine if you will divorce and then instigate proceedings.

You can agree a settlement with him but get it checked over my a solicitor.
Starting point might be 50:50 on assets but depends on how childcare will work.
You don't need to pay him anything other than cms so check out what is due.Spoual maintenance could be posdible but depends on your income level.

He will be encouraged to work if possible so should then be eligible for tax credits.
Ist all your assets and see a solicitor, first half hour may even be free.

I found a very hot solicitor - specialist in divorce and paid £100 for the first hour, he normally charges £250 an hour but I just needed some advice. It was worth every penny if you can do that.

Whether morally OP owes her DH anything or not is beside the point. I agree you need a solicitor and everything tied up legally. Because if you do make an informal agreement who's to say he'll even stick to it.