Still not over him

[SR83]

It's been a year since Iv split up with my ex. It was the most passionate intense exciting fun relationship Iv ever been in. It lasted 5 years off and on. Due to different things we could never live together as all we did was argue, I felt he was irresponsible with important matters and I have a young daughter who has to come first. It finally gotten to the stage I accepted I could never settle down with this man although he is fun and passionate he lacks the stability and security I need - I felt I couldn't be vulnerable with him as I was always the stronger one.

As I say it's been over a year and we still meet up every other week to see each other, we both love each other and have an incredible passion but he's just one of these Peter Pan guys who's dosnt want to grow up.

My question is why can't I let go when I know I don't want to settle down with him ?

Any perspective is greatly appreciated as I have bored my friends to tears talking about him
Thanks

Why can't you let go.low self esteem and fear of being alone.be totally honest with yourself and if you still can't let go then this could be your life until you gain enough confidence to realise you are worth more

Iam alone though most of the time, I only see him twice a month and the rest of the time we don't text or talk - one of us will be out and drunk text and this is how it happens

Rosey - when I read that you still see him, I thought "Aha.... there's your reason."

You have to go on a HE-tox, my dear to get him out of your system. No contact. That means not seeing him, talking to him or even listening to his voice on your voicemail.

Why don't you try it for 30 days? If you can stick to 30 days of NC you will be amazed how much better you feel. It might even spur you on to go NC for longer.

He isn't giving you any commitment or meeting your needs, yet he is conveniently keeping you roped in by throwing some tantalising scraps of time and attention your way. Sorry to say it, but it suits him to have you on the backburner.

Why would you want to put yourself through this indefinitely? Better an agonising end than endless agony.

Years ago I had a ex I couldn't forget. That's because we were still in touch sporadically - it is like picking at a scab - the wound never heals properly. I finally realised this and cut him off completely and it's the best thing I ever did.

With the benefit of distance and silence, I see him in MUCH less romantic terms.

It's all about disassociating yourself and the process of detachment takes time. When you start to detach from him physically - not seeing him, cutting contact (including not texting him) - your emotions will start to follow.

Trust me, I've been through this process of detachment loads of times

I'm not saying you should become his enemy overnight, but you can't be friends with someone you still have strong feelings for. That's not to say you can't be friends again in time but right now you need a clean break so you can get the healing process under way.

You'll never meet a partner capable of supporting you and your daughter if you keep hanging on to your pointless past partner. I'm assuming he's not the father?

You say he's Peter Pan. Good insight. Now look hard at your own motivations.

The only way to do it is to cut contact completely. I find it really hard to walk away from things even if I know they are bad for me but you just have to dig deep and go through the heroin withdrawal. I find it helps to think of yourself like an addict - you can't have a little of what you're addicted to. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and that's why you're not even allowed a sip of wine at xmas. So, stick to that model and do the hard work. It will be worth it in the end.

well said tootruetoyou. Spot on