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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Not sure I am reacting normally

21 replies

NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 08:44

I don't know if this is the correct place but I wanted to ask what others thought who have experience of Divorce.

In June (day before 15th wedding anni) I found evidence that my husband had been having an affair. He told me he hadn't loved me for years and always knew he would leave at some point but just didn't know when.

I asked him to work it out with counselling etc but he refused. He said it was over and he moved into rented accommodation.

Two months later he is now officially with her. The children (then aged 10 and 13yrs) have met her - I wasn't consulted about this.

But.... I really don't care and that's what concerns me.

I haven't been happy for years either. I cant remember the last time I truly felt loved and cared for by him.

I am not bothered that he has gone or that he is with her. I am not bothered that the children go to his house for the weekend. I am not even bothered that they have met her and are spending time in her company.

But everyone is telling me that I should be. That I should be bitter and angry and refusing the children access to her. But what good will that do? If they get on with her and like her, and if she is nice to them - isn't that better than me making life more difficult for them?

It was my sons birthday yesterday (he is now 14yrs) and I invited them both round to do his cake. It was refused but others have said that I am being to nice and accommodating to him and his "whore" - but I just feel that animosity is just unnecessary.

But now I am worried that I am not reacting normally, that i am going to have a massive mental breakdown at some point. I am on citalopram for anxiety and have been for years - maybe that is making me feel emotionally flat ?

I just don't know what to think. I am worried that I am coping too well.

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Secretsout · 18/08/2017 09:06

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to react. I'm almost at the end of an awful 9 month divorce process following a very long marriage. Years of EA, PA, FA and after every affair or bad behaviour I desperately wanted him back and he always came back (obviously) but once I'd decided to end it back in November, I was well and truly done. I've tried to be friendly and amicable but his behaviour has been appalling. Truly will never look back. I am so so happy to be free of him.

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Gorgosparta · 18/08/2017 09:10

It could be that it could hit you further down the line.

Or it could be that you felt it was over long ago and came to terms with it gradually.

Tbh, as much as i dislike cheating, if you can move on and keep a decent parental relationship with them both, its better for the kids.

There is no right or wrong way to feel.

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wilkos · 18/08/2017 09:17

I had a very messy break up with my ex, he stole from me and left us penniless nearly causing me to have a breakdown. However, because of the kids I have always tried to be civil despite his sometimes shitty behaviour, and 5 years down the line we get on great.

Other (smug married ) people are astonished I am not full of bitterness and rage, I think it would make them feel better in a way - like as a punishment for daring to leave my unhappy marriage (when they don't have the guts to ahem )

It's very odd. When my ex recently had a baby with his new wife one of my friends told me I was 'sick' for being delighted about it!

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 09:24

It does seem that other people are far more angry about it all then I am. I have had moments of being upset...but literally moments. Normally when I have been speaking to my lovely inlaws and they tell me how much they love me still! And I have had moments of anger at him - but that will be in relation to something happening eg being accused of trying to financially rip him off as I wouldn't sign his seperation agreement that would have left me penniless.

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 09:26

I don't feel lonely because he was out every evening running and biking. Plus he did that every Saturday and Sunday morning till 2pm too, so I'm quite used to being alone

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 09:27

But I do feel emotìonally flat and have done for so long. Is that the citalopram though....maybe I need to come off it so I can "feel" again

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Penfold007 · 18/08/2017 09:41

Sounds like you had both realised the relationship had ended many years ago and rather than there being a formal ending you both fell into a pattern of house sharing and coparenting.
The marriage is now formally open and you may have no 'grieving' to do, however, your comments re having no say in DC meeting OW, his now living with her and 'whore' would suggest otherwise. You might benefit from talking to someone

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abigailgabble · 18/08/2017 10:02

i used to take citalopram for anxiety and it worked very, very well. perhaps having your emotions dampened is helping you right now. or perhaps you just don't care because you knew it wasn't right anyway. either way it's no bad thing surely? you don't have to react the way other people think you should. it's much better for your children this way anyway.

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 10:05

I haven't called her a whore - that's what my friends are calling her. I don't feel any animosity towards her . I have contacted her to say that I hope we can get along for the sake of the children.

The boy's were introduced to her within 4 weeks of us seperating. STBX didn't tell me it was going to happen but I wasn't bothered by it. They are not living together yet but I'm sure they will be by the end of the year

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NotTheCoolMum · 18/08/2017 10:08

People react differently to life events. It is not one size fits all. So friends are telling you they would be raging? So what. It's not their life is it.

Personally I'm more of a calm/distant type so I probably would react like you OP. And if I had a friend flying into rages I would be trying to calm her down.

There's definitely a difference between suddenly having a seemingly happy lovey dovey marriage destroyed versus a fairly lonely one that had limped on for years.

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 10:15

Maybe that's it. Maybe I checked out years ago - although I constantly tried to make him happy. And so because I has checked out technically already, us officially splitting up hasn't really affected me too much.

I hated the way he he spoke to me but if I ever raised it he would say "You know where the door is". We have had seperate bedrooms for years and had no sexual relationship for that length too.

Friends and family have since told me how they thought he was awful to me so I know I haven't imagined how he's been treating me all these years.

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Racmactac · 18/08/2017 10:16

Well I think you are taking a great approach, maybe it will hit you later down the line maybe it won't.

You are putting your children first and that is the sign of a wonderful mother. Keep doing what you are doing and stop worrying about how everyone else thinks you should react.

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pingu73 · 18/08/2017 10:20

It will be very interesting when you find someone new. Let's see how he copes with moving on. Don't come off antidepressants certainly without speaking to your gp and doing that right now maybe not great timing.
Can you book yourself some time away even just a few days to give you some time for yourself?
People deal with things so differently

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 10:28

I am going away over the BH as it's his weekend to have them.

I think I've tried for so long to not rock the boat, and to let him do what he wants (including spending loads of time with her as she was his training partner) as I was so afraid of causing him to get cross with me and for it to drive a wedge between us further......that I'm still in that mind set of keeping him happy.

I realky don't know what to think

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pingu73 · 18/08/2017 10:45

I would just take it each day at a time I know that's a cliche but don't over analyse too much the main think today is that your not falling apart. Get the formal stuff done and then see how you feel.
My advice if he's being a bit argumentative over finance etc is carry out all communication via email then you have evidence if he is being unreasonable.
I know your quite chilled about things but don't be a door mat either get what your entitled to but keep your dignity.
How do you feel being on your own now? You will eventually learn to embrace it and find the person you are without living in his shadow xx

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 12:30

Again I feel fine being alone
We have led pretty much separate lives for so long. I do worry about the future in the context of affording stuff in old age but not about not having a significant other.

One of the things he said that he was fed up with was that I don't "do" anything except one hobby on one day of the week whilst the children are in school. Well.... I couldn't do anything else as he was out every evening so I had to be home and as I shifts l can't commit to a daytime hobby as l might not be able to go.

I have got stuck in a rut and become boring to him.

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 18/08/2017 20:56

as l work shifts...

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Viking64 · 18/08/2017 21:28

My story completely. Wife left month ago moved into room in house where male friend is living.clearly they will end up together but if they do or not it's irrelevant. I have been low but worse before she left.90% of the time I'm good but have thought should I feel worse.I think our marriage was limping along and she decided to finish it.but I would say there are ways of doing it but her way wasn't it.but she wouldn't have left to be on her own but overall I am better than I thought I would be

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butterfly56 · 18/08/2017 23:24

You're right to not waste your energy on thinking about him. It's time to put yourself first and do exactly what you want without any criticism from the boring stbxh!!
I was in a similar frame of mind when my ex H left after 18years whilst he was having an affair could not care less if I tried.
Didn't feel anything really except relief that I no longer had to put up with his insults, snide comments and overall childish behaviour.
I love being on my own and being able to close the door and not have to worry about walking on eggshells.

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 19/08/2017 16:13

Yes - It is so nice to not be worrying about upsetting him anymore.

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NotSureIfiAmWell · 24/08/2017 07:30

I am worried about the future financially though

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