What is the future of co-parenting like? Will my kids ever be happy again?

[couchtospecialk]

I'm absolutely broken at having to get divorced. The heartbreak is overwhelming but my main upset is that we will have to tell our DDs (8&6) and I've read all sorts of hideous things about the devastating effect that divorce has on a child.

Please talk to me about what it was like sharing the news with your DCs. Also in what way has your divorce affected them months/years down the line?

God yes Carrie you've every right to be angry. He's being awful to you all out of spite and lack of manning up for what he's done (by the sounds of it. Don't know the guy). I was working towards a future I thought I would have with him, supported him to achieve his career success absorbing family pressures and now he's fucked it all up. I should be raging but I actually think I'm in denial. Haven't really connected with the anger yet and I know I must and will at some stage. I hope it's not post-divorce and I realise I should've got more. I just want it to be fair so we can both be happy but he will have to live with the consequences of his actions for the rest of his life. Really can't make head of tail of what I'm feeling at the moment though. It's only day 5 and my emotions change from minute to minute. At least I'm eating today.

Knackeredchef - incredible that you spent Christmas together wow. I will hold onto what your counsellor said about the other crap doing the damage to kids.

Pavoreal - I'm focussed on the fact that I have no choice but to divorce him. It would send such a terrible message to our DDs that it's ok to stay with someone who humiliated and belittled you. It's so amazing how you have two happy homes for your kids. That is exactly where I want to get to. Part of me thinks it's naive but your post gives me hope.

Doglikeafox - some of your childhood experiences sound awful and I guess I will let off steam in front of the kids at some stage. At least you could feel your parents' intentions. I want to be able to see him at family gatherings and it not be wierd.

Sorry if I've gone off piste with this...

It's interesting what you say about full entitlement. And I may well be flamed for this. You should absolutely fight for/demand what you think you're reasonably entitled to (which can sometimes be different to what a shit hot lawyer could get for you).
For example, I own a house with my partner. I contributed nothing to the purchase. If we split I would not claim 50% of the house (but I could).
My DP's ex (cohabits) and receives spousal maintenance for life. She will never have to work again. It was a relatively short marriage (10yrs). My DP works really hard in a very stressful environment. His ex was legally entitled to the settlement that she got but I don't think it's great for either party OR the children.
Treating each other fairly and reasonably is at the heart of working together as parents. That said, it takes BOTH parties to be fair and reasonable (not just you!)
Also - the blended families that I know who work it well are both adults are financially independent and the children are well maintained by the non resident parent...

It would send such a terrible message to our DDs that it's ok to stay with someone who humiliated and belittled you.

This x 100 couch, well done you.

2 happy homes in all probability won't happen overnight, it took a huge adjustment period of time on his side and subsequently the first couple of years were rocky for me. As heidi says, it takes both parties to be fair, I hope this can happen for you.

Hi Heidi- I'd for further than that and say it's misleading, and potentially harmful, to refer to it as an 'entitlement' at all. There is so much discretion in family law that I don't believe there's any such thing- just what the parties involved (and their legal representation) manage to get for themselves, and/or what the particular court wants to give them.

I'd go* further- sorry

Thanks everyone It's helpful to hear different opinions on this. Heidiwine my name is one the mortgage but I haven't contributed to it financially. I've paid for other things and supported H in his career aims. It would feel wrong to take 50% although I have to weigh this up with the fact I'll be a lone parent to 2 girls. Just want to keep an open dialogue as much as possible in this godawful mess.

OP you may not have contributed financially but you have children (I don't). That makes for a whole different ball game. You seem so very reasonable, I hope you and your STBEx can manage to stay reasonable through all this.

Another poster here to reassure you that the children can and do come out of divorce happy and well adjusted.

Like others, I stayed in my emotionally abusive marriage for about 5 years too long for fear of leaving. Financially I knew I would be ok in the long run as I was the main earner (massive problem right there are he never had a steady job) but didn't want to upset the children.

3 and a half years ago, I just snapped and walked out, took the children to my mum's and left. I left the house we owned (though upon which i had paid all mortgage payments) and all my possessions. Never went back. My only priority from that point on was to ensure that the dc's were happy and came first. We told them we were splitting together. Told them we didn't love each other anymore but we still loved them. (ie did not tell them the real reasons I had left). DS was 10 at the time and dd was 6. DS took it pretty much in his stride although was obviously devastated at first. DD took a little more time to come round and would refuse to go to her dad's and was very emotionally unsettled for about 6 months. But, with consistency and love from both of us she adjusted to the situation and is fine.

I have not once bad mouthed him to the children. He has many faults as a partner and a father and still fucks up being a father sometimes (forgetting to go to dd's sports day when he said he was going and I couldn't, didn't arrange for anyone to go because i thought he was....he was asleep....) but he does see a lot of them and they love him. He pays very little maintenance and I pay for everything for the children. As they get older they notice this but I do not pass comment.

The trigger I think was realising that I was not modelling a healthy relationship for the children. I underestimated how often they saw him shout at me/insult me, heard me cry, saw how unhappy I was. A dear friend pointed this out to me and I realised that staying for them was not the right thing for them, quite the opposite. Within a couple of months, ds even said how much happier I seemed.

Fast forward to now and I have an amazing new partner who is literally the complete opposite. I am modelling a healthy relationship, i have lost weight, got fit and am literally a different person and the dc's are happy. They see lots of their dad and have a great relationship with new partner and his dc's.

Financially, please ensure you take everything to which you are entitled. I was the main earner so I got stung a little here as he got to keep the house but I got to keep my pension. The house hurt as there was equity and I still cannot get my name off the mortgage due to his poor credit rating. Plus i paid every single payment, paid all the bills, everything. You must make sure you do this for the sake of your future and children.

And fwiw....I call mine twatface. Good luck!

Op, it wouldn't be wrong to take more than 50% , its your right! You have children to house and he only paid the mortgage because you enabled him to work. You are entitled to more and that is your right! He has probably more earning power than you also? Take more.

I think all the advice you have been given relates to all aspects of divorcing. If you are positive to the children and can be amicable with your ex then they will equipt with the skills to process what's happening. If you go into it obviously bereft, slating him and forseeing and excusing bad behaviour.it will be awful.

I can only speak from experience and mine wasn't too bad but I found just being factual to the children worked well. I always spoke positively about their dad and I am always civil to him. I don't play games or change access. I have two sons with aspergers though so I know this works in my favour. They asked questions and they continue to ask if things need to be changed.

Be realistic. If he wasn't a great dad pre divorce or hands on he is unlikely to be after. Shit with money- always will be. Set down maintenance and expectations.

Eight years after we chat and recently he gave me a hug pre serious hospital appointment. He does have an awful habit of having a poo whenever he comes round for D3 but you can't have it all....,, :)

I left my XH when DD was 4 and he was devastated but now a few years on she is doing well and we coparent together very successfully. I feel incredibly guilty as I have a new partner and he doesn't yet - I saw us as very much as best friends but to him I was very much his wife. We've had Christmas together with DD and had a good time and I'm actually a little sad it won't happen anymore as I've moved on. He's still my friend and I care for him deeply but I know I'm happier apart than if we were together.

I walked away with nothing financially as (in my head) it would make it easier on him. DD lives with us 50:50 so no maintenance to pay and we take turns in buying what she needs. We sometimes disagree on parenting decisions but DD is never Party to these discussions.

It is possible to divorce reasonably amicably but both parties have to want to do it and be selfless when it comes to the children.

Thank you all for your above. It's great to hear how you've all managed to successfully negotiate your divorces. I am bereft that STBXH is leaving and I might struggle to hide that from our DDs but must try. It's such early days for us though and there's a long road ahead. We're still civil and I hope we can keep that up. Thanks again xx

My phone was a poo emoji but I changed it in case the children saw.
This has made me sad as my husband and I can't even speak.... he is completely emotionally abusing me every day and the children are suffering but he can't see this. He has bought separate clothes for them at his house and I have to return them all, he took them on holiday last week in uk and didn't even tell me where they were going

I went for a straight 50:50 split of assets including his pension. After all he needs to get a house too and I didn't want my DDs staying with him in a hovel when they went to their Dads.

I tried not to bad mouth him but can't say I was 100% successful with that. However one thing I made sure was that I never bad mouthed his new wife. She wasn't OW and I knew my DDs would be spending time with her and so I got to know her and let the girls know I liked her. It sort of gave them permission to like her and avoid them having any split loyalties.

It also meant that I was able to speak to her rather than my ExH if I had any worries about DDs and get a sensible response rather than sarcastic dismissals from him

The only things my DDs now say if that the worst part about having divorced parents is the inconvenience of having two homes.