What should I do? Can anyone help?

[Sadmumxthree]

I married young to a man who as he was older seemed very sophisticated and mature. However I soon discovered that he was rather immature in a lot of ways. I realise now that he is emotionally distant not just with me but with his children too, this is worse as they've got older. We have little in common and barely talk. There is always an atmosphere in the house as he irritates me a lot mainly because he is so boring and set in his ways. And I probably irritate him just as much. I know I sound like a bitch and fundamentally he isn't a bad person but he has zero get up and go and has minimum interest in me or his children. He won't take any major decisions so I have all the stress of that. He took early retirement as he was planning to start his own business but I realise now that was all pie in the sky. I meanwhile work full time and I'm beginning to think I've wasted my life. I had a troubled upbringing with a violent parent and I've always been anxious and prone to depression. This came to a head a couple of years ago when I was suicidal and went to the doctors. I was on anti depressants but came off them two months ago as they gave me terrible memory loss. Since then quite honestly I'm probably unbearable to live with. I'm really angry that I wasted my life on a marriage that's a sham and because of this I end up taking my temper out on the kids. I don't know what to do I think I'm going mad! I feel my children are disappointments as they're all like their father, no initiative, lazing about all day etc. I don't talk about my past with my children although my husband knows. Should I divorce him? I feel guilty about this but don't see how I can continue living this way. During an argument I told him I wanted us to split up but he said he would never leave the house.
What are my options
?

Hi Sadmum, to be honest it sounds like your depression is back and slowly taking its hold over you. There are over a dozen different anti-depressants on the market, all with varying side effects that range in severity from person to person. I would not give up on treatment altogether because one caused memory loss. I would get my GP to trial a few others until you find one that works for you. It can be tedious and a bumpy ride while you find the right one and the correct dose but it is worth it in the long term. If your GP isn't willing to be patient and invest the time to get it right then I'd change GPs as many times as necessary until I found one that did. As you know from previous experience, the consequences of not dealing with it can be fatal.

Some counseling would probably help you a lot also. Firstly on your own, but then together as a couple. If your husband said he will not leave the house then he must be prepared to make the effort to repair your marriage if he expects to stay. I would make that a condition.

Failing all that I'm not sure what your option is to get him out without knowing your circumstances. Does he have access to his super and the means to support himself if he's evicted? Do you still owe money on your mortgage? If not and he has no income, that may be grounds for him to insist he stays there while you rent elsewhere because you have a steady income. Failing that you could change the locks while he's out and then call the police on him when he goes ape shit and tries to break in, but I don't think your kids would like that option.

Regardless, moving out won't mean you lose your share of the house. Although I think divorce settlements are more in favour of whoever has dependent children in their care, so if you do move out and your children are under 18, be sure to take them with you! But best to seek legal advice. I hope things work out for your marriage though. All the best. X

Rosegold1
Thank you so much for replying, i understand what you're saying about the medication perhaps I should go back. I will certainly think about it. Thinking it over I know that if I won the lottery I would definitely buy a house for me and let my husband stay in ours. We have no mortgage, he doesn't work but has a small pension. I would even give him part of my winnings, I actually think he'd be more than happy with that. If my mum was alive I'd have moved in with her a long time ago. It's the upheaval and stress that ending the marriage will cause that I'm afraid of, I really don't feel I'm equal to it. My husband is so emotionally distant to me and the kids, one is 15 the others are over 18. inthink I realised quite a while ago that there wasn't really love there, perhaps he isn't capable of it. We were a bad match from the beginning. What's different now is that I feel I've become so different from who I used to be. I used to be fun now I'm as boring and dull as he is.
If I could get a divorce without bad feeling it would be great. Is that possible? If I said I was leaving and didn't want anything, or a share of the house etc I think her be okay. He'd get to look like the injured party and I'd be a bitch! Plus he wouldn't lose out financially. But it's a big step to take as I'd literally have nothing and have nowhere to go.
I don't really think the marriage is reparable as I don't think he can change who he is. Fundamentally he prefers his own company and doesn't want to emotionally engage with his family. When we married he retired and for the last few years he's been complaint of ill health. I would feel so bad and guilty if I left, made him sell the house and he ended up alone in a not very nice house. He clearly isn't happy either but I think he's happy enough being unhappy if you know what I mean? I'm rambling here but it's a way of clarifying my thoughts.

You do sound very unhappy deep inside and it breaks my heart. Listening more to your 'ramblings' perhaps you are correct about not being a good match.

I know quite a few women in their late 40's - early 50's who are divorcing their husbands because they've basically stayed in dysfunctional, loveless marriages for decades for the sake of their kids. Or they've been so focused on their kids and being a mother that they've neglected being a wife and partner, and when the kids leave home they look in the mirror and see a shell staring back at them and don't even know who they are anymore. They look at their husbands and realise they don't even recognise each other anymore and have nothing in common.

All I know is you only live once, being on your own is actually pretty great, even better if you get a dog, and even better if it's a miniature schnauzer, you'll never look back! Lol.

You sound very kind and genuine despite all of this and I admire your generosity and not wanting to hurt him. Or that could just be an indication of how terribly desperate you are to be free, if you're prepared to walk away with nothing. I don't envy you. X